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View Full Version : "Half-breed" Second chapter, Fresh from mind.



christianncg
January 11th, 2011, 12:02 AM
" Upon arriving to his Chemistry class, Angelus sat down while trying to avoid staring at Raven, who sat on his left. Not every guy in school had such control, as was evident by everyone else's blatant looks. Each and every move that she did, whether it be taking out her notebook or getting out of her chair, was flawless and robust. Her lips were the perfect size, not too big but also not to small.

A voice abruptly cut into his thoughts.“Are you going to do any work?” Raven asked coldly.

Having fallen victim to one of his daydreams, his mind came back to reality and he responded with an equally cold tone to try to mask his inattentiveness. “No, I’m not.”

Knowing that the paper was due at the end of class, he decided to contradict himself and finish it up. Raven's facial expression changed from uninterested to Frustrated. “I don’t need smart-ass comments from you, Angelus.”

“Then don’t ask stupid questions.” A chill went down his spine after he spoke. He could cut the newly formed tension with a knife if he had one. There were two general rules that were accepted at his school: Don’t cut in line, and don’t talk back to Raven. Although he didn’t care much for the rules set by the student population, he knew it would end up being more of a hassle than normally expected.

“What did you jus...”
Angelus didn’t wait for her to finish. He turned up his music, knowing damn well that what would be coming had the potential to change his perception of her, or worse, possibly break his emotional control. It’s not that he was concerned for everyone’s safety, he just enjoyed the emotional neutrality, as well as the soothing feeling of being able to separate himself from everyone else. Keeping his emotions in check was something that enabled him to see things from multiple perspectives, rather than just the usual one. He valued it more than the happiness of others, even Ravens happiness.

After finishing his work, he peered over to Raven’s side of the desk to see if she had returned to her work: which, to his astonishment, she had. From the position of her arms, he could tell that she was using some sort of device, probably a phone if he had to guess. He was mildly relieved that she was at least attempting to act like it was over, although he had a feeling she was the type of person to enact on silent revenge, and ignore him for the rest of the day or -if she was persistent enough- for the entire year. Even though they rarely spoke, he valued every word she had to say. Even the insults.

“I’m sorry. I should have been more considerate to you, and I was... lost in my own frustration. I know you didn’t do anything to deserve it..” Raven spoke before entrenching herself in her work. Although the apology seemed forced, Angelus saw that a small part of her was trying to care, which to him meant just as much as actually caring due to the fact that he never really cared about much of anything.

“Its fine: if anything I was at fault. I need to loosen up a bit and get out more.” he spoke with a slight hint of sarcasm to show that he was attempting to lighten the mood, which apparently didn't help.

He didn’t say goodbye, and neither did she. It wasn’t necessary, and that was something that they both knew at the time. After Angelus left the room, Jasmine saw him through the crowd and tagged along to head to the front office with him.

“How was your first hour?” Angelus asked, making an attempt at conversing.

“It sucked.” she murmured with a sad tone in her voice, obviously reluctant to give any details.

“How so?” he asked, trying to sound somewhat sympathetic.

“Jackie broke up with me!” She blurted before latching on to him, only this time she buried her face into his shoulder, crying. Angelus didn't really understand what was so saddening about break-ups. From what he could tell it was just one continuous cycle of trading partners. At least that's what he observed from others.

Caught off guard, he regained his balance and stood there waiting for her to let go. He didn't like it when he was this physically close to someone, especially someone he was friends with. It made him feel uncomfortable and nervous. But since he knew Jasmine for about a year, he swallowed his insecurities, and returned the hug back. Her warmth helped get his mind off the fact that he had the strong urge to pry her off of him.

“It's ok now. Just... let it all out Jasmine.” he tried to think of what to say next, to no avail.

She let go of him, her arms quickly falling to the side. Angelus stuck his hands in his pockets, and began to walk away trying to avoid the unnecessary attention that was attracted to him. Just before he left, she grabbed his arm, causing him to stop and turn around. “Thank you. For the hug, I mean. You didn't have to, but it meant a lot to me that you did.” Her eyes were still red and swollen with tears, but a smile revealed itself through her face, like a yellow sun poking through the dark clouds after a heavy rain.

He didn't quite understand the reason why he had hugged her despite his displeasure in doing it.. in fact, the only thing he knew at the moment was that the feeling inside of him made him want to make her happy, to smile back to her and show her that she was much better than Jackie.

And he did just that. "

fresh chapter, tried to write as best as i could. Comments and critiques always welcome:)

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 11th, 2011, 01:29 AM
I liked this chapter. I tried to read the first chapter ealier but if I'm honest I just saw it as a wall of text and ran away lol. After reading this one I went back and read the first one. They're both great but this one reads easier. Only problem I can see is that there doesn't seem to be any signs of the underworld or his status as a 'half-breed', might be an idea to just drop a sentence or two relating to that. It isn't neccessary though.

christianncg
January 11th, 2011, 03:25 AM
haha Lol I'm the same way. :P but I'm learning patience with it. I'm glad you liked it, and Ill try to slip it in somewhere. it gets more exciting during the third chapter, involving the underworld and some of his unnatural abilities as well.

Johnathanrs
January 11th, 2011, 02:46 PM
" Upon arriving to his Chemistry class, Angelus sat down while trying to avoid staring at Raven, who sat on his left. Not every guy in school had such control, as was evident by everyone else's blatant looks. Each and every move that she did, whether it be taking out her notebook or getting out of her chair, was flawless and robust. Her lips were the perfect size, not too big but also..(This is weird how you cut off like this, because you are talking in a narration form. This style is fine for dialogue or character thought.)

“Are you going to do any work?” Raven asked coldly.

Having fallen victim to one of his daydreams, his mind came back to reality and he responded with an equally cold tone to try to mask his inattentiveness. “No, I’m not.”

Knowing that the paper was due at the end of class, he decided to contradict himself and finish it up. Raven's facial expression changed from uninterested to Frustrated. “I don’t need smart-ass comments from you, Angelus.”

“Then don’t ask stupid questions.” A chill went down his spine after he spoke. He could cut the newly formed tension with a knife if he had one. There were two general rules that were accepted at his school: Don’t cut in line, and don’t talk back to Raven. Although he didn’t care much for the rules set by the student population, he knew it would end up being more of a hassle than normally expected.

“What did you jus...”
Angelus didn’t wait for her to finish. He put in his headphones, knowing damn well that what would be coming next would change his perception of her, or worse, possibly break his emotional control. It’s not that he was concerned for everyone’s safety, he just enjoyed the emotional neutrality, as well as the soothing feeling of being able to separate himself from everyone else. Keeping his emotions in check was something that enabled him to see things from multiple perspectives, rather than just the usual one. He valued it more than the happiness of others, even Ravens happiness.

After finishing his work, he peered over to Raven’s side of the desk to see if she had returned to her work: which, to his astonishment, she had. From the position of her arms, he could tell that she was using some sort of device, probably a phone if he had to guess. He was mildly relieved that she was at least attempting to act like it was over, although he had a feeling she was the type of person to enact on silent revenge, and ignore him for the rest of the day or -if she was persistent enough- for the entire year. Even though they rarely spoke, he valued every word she had to say. Even the insults.

“I’m sorry. I should have been more considerate to you, and I was... lost in my own frustration. I know you didn’t do anything to deserve it..” Raven spoke before entrenching herself in her work. Although the apology seemed forced, Angelus saw that a small part of her was trying to care, which to him meant just as much as actually caring due to the fact that he never really cared about much of anything.

“Its fine: if anything I was at fault. I need to loosen up a bit and get out more.” he spoke with a slight hint of sarcasm to show that he was attempting to lighten the mood, which apparently didn't help.

He didn’t say goodbye, and neither did she. It wasn’t necessary, and that was something that they both knew at the time. After Angelus left the room, Jasmine saw him through the crowd and tagged along to head to the front office with him.

“How was your first hour?” Angelus asked, making an attempt at conversing.

“It sucked.” she murmured with a sad tone in her voice, obviously reluctant to give any details.

“How so?” he asked, trying to sound somewhat sympathetic.

“Jackie broke up with me!” She blurted before latching on to him, only this time she buried her face into his shoulder, crying. Angelus didn't really understand what was so saddening about break-ups. From what he could tell it was just one continuous cycle of trading partners. At least that's what he observed from others.

Caught off guard, he regained his balance and stood there waiting for her to let go. He didn't like it when he was this physically close to someone, especially someone he was friends with. It made him feel uncomfortable and nervous. But since he knew Jasmine for about a year, he swallowed his insecurities, and returned the hug back. Her warmth helped get his mind off the fact that he had the strong urge to pry her off of him.

“It's ok now. Just... let it all out Jasmine.” he tried to think of what to say next, to no avail.

She let go of him, her arms quickly falling to the side. Angelus stuck his hands in his pockets, and began to walk away trying to avoid the unnecessary attention being attracted to him. Just before he left, she grabbed his arm, causing him to stop and turn around. “Thank you. For the hug, I mean. You didn't have to, but it meant a lot to me that you did.” Her eyes were still red and swollen with tears, but a smile revealed itself through her face, like a yellow sun poking through the dark clouds after a heavy rain.

He didn't quite understand the reason why he had hugged her despite his displeasure in doing it.. in fact, the only thing he knew at the moment was that the feeling inside of him made him want to make her happy, to smile back to her and show her that she was much better than Jackie.

And he did just that. "

fresh chapter, tried to write as best as i could. Comments and critiques always welcome:)

Think your writing style is good, my only complaint is your first paragraph. It's weird how it ends to me, based on being in a narration form. Rest is small minor mistakes, which a editor will fix for you. Good job.

christianncg
January 11th, 2011, 04:34 PM
Yeah, some of the things you pointed out were edited by my teacher. i wasnt sure if he did it right, but i posted it anyways. thanks for the tips, and when i get to it ill change the mistakes back, and finish the first paragraph. Thanks for the critique:)

Kathryn Cull
January 13th, 2011, 06:41 AM
HEY YOU!
Hi.
How are ya?
AND I LIKE IT! I don't really know anything about the actual grammer and flow to a sentence structure, or enough to critique properly.
I really liked it because it sounded much like popular teen reads (that I dont often read lol) but I liked it. It felt definitely warmer, it came to life.
But I would simply add a bit more about the underworld, unless you have already planned to! Then I look forward to reading it!
talk to you tomorrow probably!

christianncg
January 13th, 2011, 06:45 AM
HELLO! :)
Im good, and just chilling yo! bout to hit the hay! hahaha
i do, in my third chapter at least. im not sure, but i wouldn't get used to the warm felling :) haha

Geometric Parable
January 13th, 2011, 02:14 PM
Hi, I liked this chapter. Has the influence of what you learned editing your first chapter had an influence on this one? Because I noticed your pacing has improved significantly!

I have to disagree with some of the others when they tell you to slip in something about the underworld. I'm not saying dont slip something in, by all means do it if it works; I just warn against putting in something for the sake of it. Every line should be there for a reason if you get me.

christianncg
January 13th, 2011, 02:47 PM
Yeah i was going to think it over and decided that it might be time for some action, hence my third chapter. glad you liked it :) and yeah, for the most part im trying to control the pacing, making sure that it doesn't just tell everything at once. i think im getting the hang of it though.

DarkMoonlight
April 10th, 2012, 10:04 AM
i will admit I didn't read the first chapter but i must say this is looking interesting, keep up the work and will hunt chapter one!!!

riverdog
April 16th, 2012, 09:36 PM
“How was your first hour?” Angelus asked, making an attempt at conversing.

“It sucked.” she murmured with a sad tone in her voice, obviously reluctant to give any details.

“How so?” he asked, trying to sound somewhat sympathetic.

Dont do this!!!!!!

He asked. She said. He said. Avoid dialogue description.