PDA

View Full Version : Look Through Me - Part I/completely un-edited*



Kathryn Cull
January 10th, 2011, 04:37 AM
“Wake up…” the calm seductive voice of my haunter intruded on my dreams.
I rolled over, denying the voice.
“Wake up, puppet” The voice was becoming more impatient now.
“Damn you” I whispered, knowing my words had no effect on her.
“Wake up or I’ll…” I felt the cold air of her breath on my neck “I’ll kill you”
“You can’t even touch me” I said drowsily.
“Well, I’m not going to stop talking then.” She sounded indigent.
“I don’t care” I sighed as I rolled over.
Again I felt a cold rush of air on my face. “Open those beautiful eyes of yours” her breath was scented like sweet spearmint, willing me to look at her.
There was a cold stroke on my cheek, light as air. I moaned as I slowly blinked my eyes open. And there, kneeling right before my face was a set of wide black eyes. This would have frightened a normal person. But me…well let’s just say I was all too used to it. She smiled a wide smile that showed off her sharp fang like teeth. And as she stood she twirled, showing off her outfit. “Like it? I’m dressed for the occasion.”
She was wearing black fishnet leggings with her short black skirt and lacey top. And as she settled herself on the edge of my bed she tightened the thick black buckle on her chunky platform boots.
“Where are we going?” I yawned.
“Somewhere different” she whipped her head around to look at me, long white-blond hair showering over her shoulders.
“I have to be back by morning or my Mum will start worrying. And we don’t want a physiatrist again do we?” I sat up, watching her face twist in distaste at my words.
“What a horrible woman that was…” She trailed off, her eyes fogging as she remembered.
I shook my head. “Where are we going?”
“Tsk, tsk, impatient aren’t we? You’ll see when we get there. Now get up!” she slammed her hand down on my bed, her hand passing through the blankets and fading nearly invisible. “Get dressed and call me when you’re ready” and with that she flickered like a bad TV reception until she was gone.
I was alone. Slowly I pulled my blankets off my cold body and planted my feet on the ground. I tip toed on the carpet until I was at my dresser. I carefully picked my clothing choice according to what she was wearing, black tights, a short black dress and a lace trimmed velvet coat. I got dressed, quickly put on some eyeliner and pulled on my high heeled boots that I had tactfully hidden from my Mother under my bed last week. Then I settled myself back onto my bed, my eyes closed as I concentrated on calling her back mentally.
To begin with I visualized her; her hair, beautiful and healthy, her pale face, her wide black eyes and small red lips, even her thin body and pianist’s fingers. Then I mentally called out to her, pulling her through dimensions. The back of my head began to throb with the power of my concentration.
“I love those boots” her voice made me jump, my eyes fluttering open. “I’ll have to steal them sometime” She winked at me.
“Where are we going?” I asked again.
“I told you. You’ll see when we get there. Drink this,” she reached her hand behind her and like in a cartoon when a character can pull an item from an invisible pocket, she held a vile of red liquid out to me. I took the vile and unscrewed the lid. It smelled strongly like what I would imagine dust to taste like, dry and tingling in my throat. “Drink up.” She whispered, setting her thin fingers on the bottom of the vile as I cautiously held it to my lips, forcing the liquid down my throat.
It didn’t really have a taste. Thank God. The last vile she had gotten me to drink was so horrible that I was sick for the entire next day and that was not easy to cover up from my Mum.

christianncg
January 10th, 2011, 04:49 AM
Interesting.. I love the curiosity thats stirred up with this. i might review it in the morning though, haha im way to tired to think. but its good so far. lol i can still chat though..

Johnathanrs
January 10th, 2011, 02:51 PM
It's not bad, not enough to really judge anything.

A few points.

she was wearing, black tights, a short black dress and a lace trimmed velvet coat. I got dressed. Here you can't say you got dressed, but this is weird seeing how you went into so much detail regarding her clothes.


I would recommond not using, "like a cartoon" analogy. Something like, "like magic" would work better. Pretty much, just try to focus on with your picturing to the reader to keep things simple. One other note, you use italics too much in your dialogue. Italics are suppose to mean yelling. Is she really yelling that much, and why? I am not sure if you are trying to tell this in your story for your character. Just pointing it out, if she is, then it's fine, it is your character. So far, it is fine as a excerpt, still very short to base anything off of.

Kathryn Cull
January 14th, 2011, 10:55 PM
ARGEDY!! Im so sorry I was on internet probation..and I was at drama club...Ahh A headache, I'll send you a message about it >_<