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View Full Version : cooling passions and stilling hearts. (some suggestive writing1st para)



Sir.
January 9th, 2011, 09:42 PM
As he walked over a surge of lust rolled out across me, a wave of hot human desire. He sat down oppositte me, the clean glowing features of his handsome face growing animated with his speach, his lips moving, and tongue dancing behind them. Each chiselled feature promising a thousand things, every movement of his carefully crafted mouth creating infinite possibilities.I was swimming in the deep pools of his eyes and holding myself in his strong arms already.

Then I felt a rush, a cold harsh burn as the wave of lust was beaten back by a firey flick of his tongue, the biting words stinging against my ears, his ignorance spilling fourth from his inviting lips. Tempering myself with the understanding that his unknowning ignorance was nothing in comparision to the filfth that might be spat out at me, should he be enlightened of Ďwhatí he was revealling his veiws too.

I watched the Olympian face grow contorted as the bile, slander and dirt flowed freely from his poision lips. Occasionally nodding, restraining the ever growing desires now growing in my heart of hearts. A horrific parade of brutalitity sprang from the darker depths of my own invention, sences of biblical punishment spread out before me like pages in a comic. I chuckled at the irony.

He puased, looked right at me, with those magnetic eyes, carrying such cool charismatic charm in place of peerphaps a more fitting pear of black viper like pebbles. He smiled, he mustíve decided that there was also some irony in the Dark Age attitudes he was so freely sharing with me.

As dissapointment lay to rest the attractions my deluded eyes had percieved, disgust swam before my eyes and exchanged the warm wave of lustful wants with the cool waters of disdain. Previous erotic imaginings were destroyed, the spring form which they had too easily sprung from capped with the relisation that in truth they had been little better than barbaric bestiality.

I had finished my lunch, it was an excuse to go there was no reason for him to leave with me, we had only just met. None the less as I stood he folllowed, like a abandoned pet he had adopted me as his companion in ignorance, my own fualt for tolerating his ever worsening savage attitude to all he didnít try to understand. He said the food was dirty. Didnít like the foreign food. Looking at the tray I saw he hadnít touched a single morsel. He slipped in that moment further in my estimation; afterall even a dog would eat the food given to it by its betters.

Following me like a quiet child would his confident freind, he attachted himself to me. The pathetically instant attachment he had shown, revealed just how long it had been since anyone had tolerated him sitting even near them. This thought sent a pleasant feeling round me, I smiled as we put the trays on the trolley. Obviously he had no problem with Ďthe dirty foriengersí cleaning his plate.

The smile hadnít been like my luagh, he hadnít been talking and he wanted to know what was entertaining, what was it I was thinking. Like a child on the edge of the group obstanitely demmanding that the joke be told again.

It may have been that when I turned round he backed away becuase I simply looked at him, saying nothing. It may have been the frozen gaze of repulsion that I bore down on him.

Or more likely it was the fact that Iíd never put my knife back on my tray and when Iíd turned round to face him, Iíd used his persistant proximity, the false intimacy he had inflicted upon me. To gut him, like a fish.

The trickling flow of his blood across the back of my hand, broadened the smile on my face, refreshed me with the understanding that Iíd just cut another small part of the cancer that had infected the world out of existance.

I leant him against the nearby wall. I liberated his wallet and his car from his body. Then I left the cafe, walked out to the carpark and felt the release of the pleasent breeze and unjudgemental sun on my now beaming face.

christianncg
January 9th, 2011, 09:53 PM
Amazing. although i had to read over it again to understood what just went on, it was amazing. the ending shocked me, which is something that doesnt happen often in books, and i would love to hear more of it, to see what she does next, who her next victims are, etc.

Sir.
January 10th, 2011, 06:31 PM
you have just made my day :), which parts provoked the re read?

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 10th, 2011, 07:45 PM
That was a fantastic read. Personally I had no need to re-read it, though I did need to pause and think about it for a second. There's nothing wrong with that though, it just means that you've shocked the reader.

Cambyses
January 10th, 2011, 08:06 PM
Shocking ending. I'm not quite sure why she did though. I feel like I have been plopped right into the middle of a story.

"I had finished my lunch, it was an excuse to go there was no reason for him to leave with me, we had only just met." You might want to change this sentence around; it didn't sound right to me. There were a few spelling errors, nothing major. Overall, a good read and I would like to know more of what happened before and next and a bit more about the characters and setting.

Cambyses
January 10th, 2011, 08:07 PM
Shocking ending. I'm not quite sure why she did though. I feel like I have been plopped right into the middle of a story.

"I had finished my lunch, it was an excuse to go there was no reason for him to leave with me, we had only just met." You might want to change this sentence around; it didn't sound right to me. There were a few spelling errors, nothing major. Overall, a good read and I would like to know more of what happened before and next and a bit more about the characters and setting.

Sir.
January 10th, 2011, 08:51 PM
OK compliments, without a complaint about grammar in sight, YAY 8)

The Storyline , well totally honest she didn't have one until you guys started to compliment it. Now I feel the need to give her a background... some ideas about immigration circling. maybe Illegal, eastern european, then that provides the neat racism/ discrimination explanation for her bitter violence. something about learning to fake and accent,

any thoughts ??

InsanityStrickenWriter
January 11th, 2011, 01:11 AM
OK compliments, without a complaint about grammar in sight, YAY 8)

The Storyline , well totally honest she didn't have one until you guys started to compliment it. Now I feel the need to give her a background... some ideas about immigration circling. maybe Illegal, eastern european, then that provides the neat racism/ discrimination explanation for her bitter violence. something about learning to fake and accent,

any thoughts ??

Personally, the joy of reading from this character's perspective was that she is so...unhinged. She went from one extreme to another in a short space of time and shocked the reader as she did so. Perhaps you should continue her story but with very little detail on where all the emotion stems from. Anything from the plot that tries to rationalise her actions(such as her being an illegal immigrant) might take away some of the fun of it.

Plus, I quite like the idea of changing the theme from racism to something that emphasises the woman's madness. Eg. When she switches attitudes to him, it is because of something very minor and unimportant such as his body language or a bad look she believes he gave her. Or, alternitively, switch roles. She becomes the racist, the man becomes foreign. She could notice it as soon as he starts speaking with an accent. She could end up committing a string of murders or somethng. End of the day, however you choose to continue with her will probably be an interesting read.

Sir.
January 11th, 2011, 10:24 AM
Although the unhinged nature of the character is enjoyable (especially to write) I don't want the audience to dislike her. In some way she needs to be felt sorry for which is why I'd like to rationalise her.

alternately the idea of a two speaker murder story, one killer one dectective probbably provides a neat basis for this character and a sarcasdtic policeman might counterbalance the slightly worrying aspects of the character.

Johnathanrs
January 11th, 2011, 01:47 PM
As he walked over a surge of lust rolled out across me, a wave of hot human desire. He sat down oppositte me, the clean glowing features of his handsome face growing animated with his speach, his lips moving, and tongue dancing behind them. Each chiselled feature promising a thousand things, every movement of his carefully crafted mouth creating infinite possibilities.I was swimming in the deep pools of his eyes and holding myself in his strong arms already.

Then I felt a rush, a cold harsh burn as the wave of lust was beaten back by a firey flick of his tongue, the biting words stinging against my ears, his ignorance spilling fourth from his inviting lips. Tempering myself with the understanding that his unknowning ignorance was nothing in comparision to the filfth that might be spat out at me, should he be enlightened of ‘what’ he was revealling his veiws too.

I watched the Olympian face grow contorted as the bile, slander and dirt flowed freely from his poision lips. Occasionally nodding, restraining the ever growing desires now growing in my heart of hearts. A horrific parade of brutalitity sprang from the darker depths of my own invention, sences of biblical punishment spread out before me like pages in a comic. I chuckled at the irony.

He puased, looked right at me, with those magnetic eyes, carrying such cool charismatic charm in place of peerphaps a more fitting pear of black viper like pebbles. He smiled, he must’ve decided that there was also some irony in the Dark Age attitudes he was so freely sharing with me.

As dissapointment lay to rest the attractions my deluded eyes had percieved, disgust swam before my eyes and exchanged the warm wave of lustful wants with the cool waters of disdain. Previous erotic imaginings were destroyed, the spring form which they had too easily sprung from capped with the relisation that in truth they had been little better than barbaric bestiality.

I had finished my lunch, it was an excuse to go there was no reason for him to leave with me, we had only just met. None the less as I stood he folllowed, like a abandoned pet he had adopted me as his companion in ignorance, my own fualt for tolerating his ever worsening savage attitude to all he didn’t try to understand. He said the food was dirty. Didn’t like the foreign food. Looking at the tray I saw he hadn’t touched a single morsel. He slipped in that moment further in my estimation; afterall even a dog would eat the food given to it by its betters.

Following me like a quiet child would his confident freind, he attachted himself to me. The pathetically instant attachment he had shown, revealed just how long it had been since anyone had tolerated him sitting even near them. This thought sent a pleasant feeling round me, I smiled as we put the trays on the trolley. Obviously he had no problem with ‘the dirty foriengers’ cleaning his plate.

The smile hadn’t been like my luagh, he hadn’t been talking and he wanted to know what was entertaining, what was it I was thinking. Like a child on the edge of the group obstanitely demmanding that the joke be told again.

It may have been that when I turned round he backed away becuase I simply looked at him, saying nothing. It may have been the frozen gaze of repulsion that I bore down on him.

Or more likely it was the fact that I’d never put my knife back on my tray and when I’d turned round to face him, I’d used his persistant proximity, the false intimacy he had inflicted upon me. To gut him, like a fish.

The trickling flow of his blood across the back of my hand, broadened the smile on my face, refreshed me with the understanding that I’d just cut another small part of the cancer that had infected the world out of existance.

I leant him against the nearby wall. I liberated his wallet and his car from his body. Then I left the cafe, walked out to the carpark and felt the release of the pleasent breeze and unjudgemental sun on my now beaming face.

Make sure to run your piece through spell-check, you would notice a lot of these mistakes if you did. Few parts I didn't understand, I highlighted a few consisting of confusing story telling, or descriptions, or grammar, exc. I skimmed, so I prob missed a few. Remember, if you are talking in this persons perspective, you don't need to keep saying, "I see" because it's odvious. You are writing in first person past tense, so no need to type that.

**A note I forgot which I think is important: I should give you a example.
A example, "Looking at the tray I saw he hadn’t touched a single morsel." My example: Looking at the tray, he hadn't touched a single morsel. or Looking at the tray, not a single morsel had been touched. (Hope this helps better.) (A lot of sentences like this that could be worked better for flow purposes.)(Remember, you are writing in first tense, so comments like "I saw" aren't needed because you are writing in this characters prespective."

Your overall story is good, it's a good start. Everyone loves characters who are not of the norm, because they are entertaining to read or watch. Keep at it.

fossiliferous_g
January 12th, 2011, 05:18 PM
What a great read! I'm not going to complain about the spelling errors, it's hard not to fudge things a little when you're on a roll and the story is flowing. Honestly, when I started reading, I thought our main character was a man and this was going down a completely different road, but by the end, I was surprised that she was so ruthless. I'll be honest when I say, i don't care what her back story is at this point, I don't even care what kind of crap her counterpart was spewing. What seemed important was her attitude in the beginning and the transition to the end - very crafty! Have you ever tried writing flash fiction?

Sir.
January 13th, 2011, 10:43 AM
thanks very much,
( In truth I was a little pleased with the spelling etc. as is much better than normal)

well actually when it was being written the character was a man and the peice was following said different road, however deliberate ambiguity left it up to a reader to choose, the general result it seems was that the character switched genders

now what is this 'flash fiction' you speak of ?

phill.owens
January 13th, 2011, 08:06 PM
I love the descriptiveness of this, it really gets me inside the narrator's head and I absolutely love that. It really gives this a sense of reality and puts me in the middle of the story, I could almost see his face morphing and feel the hatred for him. It actually reminds me of something that deals with schizophrenia, in which people's facial features seem to contort and change into how the sufferer feels about the person. It's also already been stated, but double check the spelling of your words, even if you use spell check, it tends to miss a few things. By the way, nice twist on the ending, love it. My advice would be to expound on motives or the lack of, such as was it just for the material possessions or is there something deeper and troubling with the narrator? But really, amazing start to what could be some killer psychological horror.

oarfish
January 15th, 2011, 09:31 PM
You misspelled "existence"

Sir.
January 15th, 2011, 10:48 PM
vary kend fo yuo ot piont ti tuo

DimWest
January 15th, 2011, 11:06 PM
Your use of the language is excellent, and I love that you didn't use dialogue to specify what made her hatred of a man she just met so intense. Your method of describing things is great. I was especially impressed by these: "the spring form which they had too easily sprung from capped with the relisation that in truth they had been little better than barbaric bestiality", "unjudgemental sun on my now beaming face", and "A horrific parade of brutalitity sprang from the darker depths of my own invention, sences of biblical punishment spread out before me like pages in a comic".

I really hope you don't try and rationalize her actions. Some mysteries are better left unsolved, as the saying goes. I would prefer it to remain a mystery.

Sir.
January 16th, 2011, 07:16 PM
Thanks DimWest I really don't know what to say.

Rocio44
January 20th, 2011, 09:23 PM
Great descriptions! I'm intrigued and would love to know more about why she did it?

Tripp
January 23rd, 2011, 06:11 PM
I like the sense of humor about your misspellings. Ha!

The story was great. It was a quick read with an unexpected ending. And, like most have already pointed out, your main character's progressing change was perfect from "chiseled feature[s]" becoming an "Olympian face grow[ing] contorted." Beware ignorant people speaking your mind! Ha!

Sir.
January 23rd, 2011, 08:18 PM
so glad someone appreciates the sense of humor about my spellings, suspected I had crossed a line...
Thanks again guys for all the support and positive comments, working on a sort of foil for the character. an alternate view point in the same style - bear with me people, I will actually get somewhere with this one :)