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TaylorFlickins
January 9th, 2011, 08:46 PM
Just a short story I've been working on, here is the first part! If you guys like it I'll post more!
I let my twiggy arms wrap around her pudgy waist and burrowed my head into her broad chest.
"I'll miss you," I sputtered out between tears.
"You too my love.." she whispered back in her deep soothing voice. I could still detect the faint lingering of her Irish accent that she'd held onto since her arrival in America 23 Years ago.
She pulled me away and held me at arms length. Forcing a thin smile onto her wrinkled face, she handed me my faded tan bag. The saggy lether sack was limp with emptiness, filled with only my closest treasures, and what the orphange supplied. A picture of my parents on their wedding day, the crisp paper now singed on the edges. My small tube of sickly smelling burn ointment incase the scabs ever gave way. A few changes of clothes, all dull and wrinkled. This was all, these were the pieces of my life puzzle, but too many were missing.

Honest opinions please! Thanks :)

christianncg
January 9th, 2011, 08:55 PM
A nice little story it seems to be. :) the only thing i would suggest would be the ending, or towards the end i mean. Could be better worded, and a tad bit more descriptive when it comes to her crying, but that comes with good practice so I'm told. (I'm learning too.) Other than that, it has a lot potential:) Feel free to read my story "half-breed" and tell me what you think :)

Geometric Parable
January 9th, 2011, 09:16 PM
The ending is my favourite part. It's bittersweet the way you describe the characters trivial posessions, it gives a feeling of sentimentality - very characteristic of saying goodbye, and yet the last line captures that feeling one gets when they depart a loved place or say goodbye to someone; the regrets and the could-have-beens that go through the mind.

As for what im not very enthusiastic about, i have to agree in general with christianncg:
"I'll miss you," I sputtered out between tears.
The saggy lether sack was limp with emptiness
To be honest, I think these lines are fairly weak and distracted me from the rest of the story. They seem too basic or something, they dont capture much emotion with their particular wording. I'd say play around with other ways of saying what you want and asking yourself which is most powerful. :)