View Full Version : Fantasy/Steampunk excerpt novel based pratice

January 6th, 2011, 03:23 PM
Just practicing writing in hopes of writing a novel one day. I took a different approach for this piece. This is more of a practice on simply writing a story, hopefully it's not too over bearing? I went into a lot of description, because from my past criqitues I am told that I write too script like?

The backgrounds elements of this story is from my own ideas with themes in fantasy and steampunk. I am only posting part of the chapter because I was told posting too much becomes hard for the reader.
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A small light shone beneath a wool blanket, decorated in patterns of royal lineage far too luxurious for the common man. The blanket held markings that told a story of some sort, for he who destined to try, be the bravest of man. The words were etched into the cloths fabric, and there stood Captain Willow admiring it for all its glory.

He had stolen it! Well, stolen is such a harsh word, at least for Captain Willow's repute. He had borrowed or acquired it for the time being. “My beloved!” he said, as he stretched the fabric from one arm to the next. The gems sparkled as the light bounced of the numerous gems etched into the fabrics design. Diamonds, ruby’s, pearls, the very cloth itself was rumored to be made of a fine pure gold silk. He hadn't the faintest idea if it was true, but one thing was certain, this wonderful cloth was real and better yet—it was his!

Quite the fortune it was worth, at least, if that was what Captain Willow had in mind. However, his intentions laid elsewhere. Inside the cloths design, a mystery awaited all those who dare tried. The cloth gave clues, a rite of passage sort to speak, for whoever could solve this mystery was destined to rule the world. No, the Universe! Or so he was told.

He remembered the days of the Craxius, in our time this would be that of a orphanage—except it was far from that. The bleak days of suffering, the pain, all to familiar to Captain Willow. In those times, he was called, 'Little Willow.' How Lady Faris would line him up, a nudge past four am, to do manual choirs outside. Now this would be fine if simple labor all this be, but these choirs were not meant for a little boy. No, dare he say, not meant for any human. How many of his friends had fallen. There was no point to existence in those days, only survival. However, there was one light inside that hells hold. A library of untold wealth in knowledge. For outside his mind he was but a slave, but inside, he was bound only by the limits of his imagination.

The adventures of Captain Pergsby the great! The chronicles of Silva of the Gatsby! Oh how he could go on. All stories, and all true. Members of the Craxius were given permission by the ruling eminence himself: “Read you fools! You filthy gluttonous pigs! Maybe some knowledge will help you poor moronic buffoons!” How Willow didn't quite like that man, but he was not one to dare complain. Inside those scrolls, he had managed to find something that stood out. Many of the stories had a unreachable desire, quest, even the word obsession seemed right. They foretold of a ancient legend: unparalleled riches, knowledge beyond all, and something beyond all comprehension, for he who destined to try, be the bravest of man.

Those words gave him purpose, those scrolls gave him meaning, and his friends gave him passion. For he know had the ticket to his destiny. The only problem was, he had to decipher the riddle. Many patterns were etched into the fabrics design, underneath the slogan, “For He Who Destined To Try, Be The Bravest Of Man”. Captain Willow had a thought, could the slogan itself be a riddle of some sort? The words did stand out, it was the only recognizable symbols that he could understand. It was hard to properly analyze the patterns, they were designed in the knowledge of the Baxius. A ancient culture lost throughout the ages. In order to decipher the patterns, he would first have to travel to Brivendale. The land outside his realm of knowledge. It was quite the distance from here, sixty two days of travel by sea, and then another eighteen by horse.

Knock. Knock. Knock. A large banging interrupted Captain Willows train of thought. “Sir, are you awake?” Ah, it was the young lad Wallace. He recognized the voice immediately, “Yes, come in, come in,” he replied.

Wallace Le Frank entered through the rooms passageway. Wallace was the spitting image of a young gentleman. He wore a white dress shirt perfectly tucked into linen pants, beaded necklaces all shapes and colors around his neck. You could even see a formal Epee fencing sword to his side, the hilt was especially dazzling, it had a golden coat with designs of noble ancestry etched into it. But what made Wallace stand out was not his style, but his looks. Wallace Le Frank was blessed with flawless skin tone, a face fit for a god, and eyes so dreamy, they could swoon any woman on sight.

Wallace looked about for where the captain was. Captain Willow was in the back of the room, standing by a table and holding up a blanket that seemed to glisten as the light reflected off of it. The captain seemed to be analyzing the cloth, his inquisitive nature had always fascinated Wallace. At first, he had thought Captain Willow the strangest of man, but this, in time, grew on him and now one of his characteristics that he loved the most. “I just got news, the Steamer is about to make a stop, we should get off there Captain.” Wallace hadn't the frankest idea why he called him Captain, he wasn't a Captain of any sort, but when they first meet, he insisted that he call him that. “I see, well then we best depart then.” replied Captain Willow, folding the blanket by that point. It was then that Wallace recognized some markings on the cloth. One stood immediately to him, it was the mark of the House of Gallow. But it couldn't be, there was no way Captain Wallace had anything to do with the Royal House of Gallow, so why did he have a cloth that held that mark? Hmm, how curious, he thought, but knew it best not to probe. “I bet that cloth has something to do with this.” he whispered to himself, he had wondered why Captain Willow had set off to the lands of Brivendale.

The Lands of Brivendale was not for the feint of heart, it was a lawless region occupied within the boundaries of the Fixies. The race held a slight resemblance to that of humans, but only in few areas. They averaged four to five feet in size, and were known for the beauty of their art. He had never seen one in person before but had read many of a story regarding them. Due to the distance of Brivendale, the Fixie council barley involved itself with territorial disputes. Leaving it the hands of locals that lived within it's boundaries. Fixie's were known for customs very awkward to our own. Naturally, it made a huge contrast in how they governed their nation. Where humans' believe in order, Fixies believe in a natural balance of nature only involving if nature wills it. Due to this, the lands of Brivendale have been plagued with constant crime rates. This is why Wallace felt obliged to help Captain Willow on his quest, he couldn't dare let his friend go to such a dangerous area by himself.

The door shut behind them with a large gush of air. The hallways were well lit, windows seen throughout the side of the wall. Captain Willow and Wallace held their traveling bags with them as they departed down the northern end of the hall. Around a corner they went, coming to a stop at a large door which led into the main town area.

Steamers were widely used vessels for traveling in these parts, they averaged three to five miles both in width and diameter and could travel seas at incredible speeds. They were tugged by enormous beasts that attached themselves to the outside hull of the ship. Inside the center, huge towns could always be found lively as ever, with people and creatures of all types. The town was covered by a huge transparent dome that was many of inches thick. The outer realms, which circled the towns, held rooms for the passengers or permanent guests who actually lived there.

The wide doors automatically slid open, and a vibrant scene soon awaited them. Many people walked about in the wide streets, buildings, made of stone and clay were lined up for as far as the eye could see, each separated by dark alleyways where the bums usually laid. They were in a small market area, weapons, magical trinkets, cloths of all types, were being sold by merchants who had their own small little wooden booth. There seemed to be a small contest going on with random lots of people, they were throwing small blades of all types at a wooden plank. A few of the buildings in sight had signs ranging from weapon store to local brewery.

The two were heading towards the western section of the steamer, one of the departing sections. They passed a crowd of people who were hanging out by a oasis. Steamers had passengers of all types, for those that couldn't afford a room in the outer realms, they usually just stayed within the main city boundaries.

(Not all of chapter 1, just a part. I'm not really looking for plot based critiques, i'm mainly just looking for reviews on my writing in general for a novel based story.)

Richard :/
January 7th, 2011, 03:24 AM
I really enjoyed reading this, especially the parts where you used imagery. Your description of the cloth that Captain Willow possesses was excellent! There are a couple of grammatical inconsistencies as well as a few other things I found unusual(the ships are called "Steamers"; but, are pulled by huge beasts!..I would think they would run on steam haha :) ) Other than those few errors I think that this is a very interesting piece of writing.