View Full Version : "Daydreamer, Stargazer, Night prowler" - first paragraph from a new writer/ member.

January 6th, 2011, 01:57 AM
The dry, pale winds caused Angelus’s jacket to flicker violently. the orange, tainted sky mimicked the look as well as the nature of an angry ocean, violently kicking back and forth, with a lost charm and a free willed motion that entrenched his soul. Or where his soul would have been. From time to time he would come here to wash the stains left on his conscience, and allow himself to regain his composure, if there ever was such a thing to him. Staying on earth for more than a week at a time was impossible for him, mainly because the constant impulse to kill his peers at school was extremely hard to control, and although he was specifically brought up to live among them, his mind was still that of an adolescent demon: an overpowering blood lust coupled with a sex drive to match, and although he was the only of his kind to have the capacity of emotions, he was never taught what they meant or how to control them. Because of this, he would often find himself falling in love with everyone he met, and jumping in and out of relationships without pain or problem. It wasn’t much of a life to look forward to, but it was a life that he didn’t have the luxury of choosing either, so he lived it with a degree of laziness and uncaring knowing that it wouldn’t change the oh so inevitable future he was waiting for to be acted upon... but at the moment none of the over thought mattered, so he allowed himself to fall back onto the scorched ashy ground he sat in. he liked this place... the silence, lack of humanity as well as a color palette consisting of various shades of red, orange and black, which oddly enough, produced a balanced sense of well being, more specifically the feeling of neutrality. Not a good neutrality, but not a bad one either. just one that allowed him to exist, and nothing more.

Just beyond the dark, fiery skyline, he could hear the rapid incineration of already charred ground, a generally accepted warning sign that the dawn was approaching, something that was a very unpleasant experience in the underworld. without giving it a second thought, he quickly left to find himself in the comfort of his own mind, where his body lay sleeping snugly under the covers, and his eyes were heavy with sleep deprivation...


Waking up was one of the harder things to do during his day, due to the nearly unbearable feeling of guilt and depression that resided in his heart. His demonic mind set had developed a method to deal with these feelings, but it took a large amount of concentration to do so, and because of this, every morning he would end up falling to his knees and in some cases crying due to this immense amount of built-up pain. After regaining control of his emotions, he casually walked to the bathroom and went about his normal routines before saying good-bye and heading off to school.

Throughout his life, school had many different meanings and feelings associated with it. during his elementary school years, school meant being picked on, and rejected for not wanting to talk to anyone, as well as going through the day trying to control his emotions, knowing that if he slipped for even an instant and let his anger out, people would die. There was only one instance where he was incapable of controlling it, and an entire classroom full of Children had to pay for it. In fifth grade, one of the well known bullies of the class decided to test Angelus to see if he would break. Unfortunately for him, he did, and in one synchronous motion thirty two children and two adults were ripped apart from the base of their spine. Angelus, at the time drenched in blood, walked through the mess spread all over the floor and sat in the middle of the room, and tried gather as much as of his fragmented mind would allow. Ever since that day, he decided to learn the capabilities of his powers, and eventually learn his way around his own mind for the sake of anyone he was going to meet. as time passed by, he became more mature and fluid in understanding and balancing his emotions, as well as his unnatural abilities too. Angelus eventually started talking to people, and discovering how to socialize, leading all the way up to current times: Portraying a self image that appeared as an average teen underneath an extremely sociopathic base due to the excessive but necessary control he practiced, with a tortured core that demanded the death of everyone he knew or saw, whether he hated them or not. Relationships were either fake or shortlived, and none of the ones he got into were considered actual relationships to him. they just seemed like really bad imitations of what one should be, and although the sex was great to him, he would gladly trade it for real love...


Upon arriving to the school, he allowed himself to loosen up on his emotional restrains just enough to talk and communicate with others, though most of the time he listened to music to drown out the voices of other people. He even devoted a good amount of time in increasing his vocabulary, to make it that he could get his point across in a smaller amount of words, something that he took a good amount of pride in. when it came to friendships, he tried to keep a fair amount of patience with everyone he met, or knew. his image of a personality had no problem getting along with people, but it was something along the lines of a repainted old house: on the outside was a wonderful and vibrant looking home, but the foundation and structure of the home have a good chance of falling apart if given the right circumstances. It was only a matter of time...

As he sat down in the lunchroom during breakfast to listen to his music, the welcome face of Raven greeted him with an odd assurance that his day was going to go moderately well. Although they never really spoke that often, and the only time they did speak was when she was working with him in a partnership, she was one of the few people that appealed to his true self, something that he usually tried to forget while at school. Raven was very unique in the way she dressed, in that she consistently wore darker colors like red and black, with some blue every now and again. Her sense of style revolved around a Gothic Punk type of things. From what Angelus knew, she had a troubled past as well as a very hungry appetite for sex, which was more of a bonus to him now that he had most of his sex drive under control. She was cheeky at times, but it was always perfect timing when she was in a good mood. Her smile was something that made him feel warm at his core, depending on who she was smiling at. Her voice sounded more innocent than seductive, with a frail tone that hinted at many hardships through the course of her childhood years. With a unique, curvacious body that was matched by none and a generally cold attitude to the majority of the student population (including him) she was beautiful in every sense of the word.

“Your never going to be with her, Angelus. Your better off not dwelling on it, you know.” a familiar voice said.

Unknowing that he had been starring at Raven’s back for about a minute, Angelus shifted his gaze to his right, seeing a smiling Jasmine pulling up a chair beside him. “I wouldn’t call it dwelling... It’s more along the lines of daydreaming, honestly” he responded, letting out a sigh afterwards.

She giggled her usual way that she did, which cause Angelus to smile. Jasmine was a innocent girl who, despite her many addictions to a variety of substances, as well as the need to share her many sexual fantasies that her and her girlfriend had, was one of the few people in his school to posses a good heart. She had an odd figure, but a lovely smile and a laugh that was infectious.

“Oh really? What of this daydream? Did you have sex?” she asked him with a
childish curiosity.

“That’s one of the words it’s known by.” he replied coldly.

“Glad to see your in a good mood.” She said sarcastically.

“You know me best, dear.” he said with a grin, then followed that with a kiss on her cheek. She giggled once more and hugged him tightly before they both departed to their classes.


Upon arriving to his Chemistry class, Angelus sat down while trying to avoid starring at Raven, who sat to his left. This was one of the times where he wish he was still that psychopathic little boy, because back then none of this would of mattered to him. Especially Raven, who as of now was breaking down his wall that he worked meticulously to put up. Each and every move that she did, whether it be taking out her notebook, or getting out of her chair was flawless and robust, but not overdoing it at all.

“Are you going to do any work?” Raven asked coldly.

Falling victim to more of his daydreams, his mind came back to reality and he responded with an equally cold tone to try to mask his inattentiveness. “No, Im not. Nor do I plan on it.”

He started on his work while her facial expression changed from uninterested to Frustrated. “I don’t need smart-assed comments from you, Angelus.”

“Then don’t ask stupid questions.” A chill went down his spine after he spoke. He could cut the newly formed tension with a knife if he had one. There were two general rules that were accepted at his school: Don’t cut in line, and don’t talk back to Raven. Although he didn’t care much for the rules set by the student population, he knew it would end up being more of a hassle than normally expected.

“What did you jus...”
Angelus didn’t wait for her to finish. he put in his headphones, knowing damn well what was coming next would change his perception of her, or worse, possibly break his emotional control. It’s not that he was concerned for everyones safety, he just enjoyed the emotional neutrality, as well as the soothing feeling of being able to separate himself from everyone else. Keeping his emotions in check was something that enabled him the ability to see things from multiple perspectives, rather than just the usual one, so he valued it more then the happiness of others. Even Ravens happiness.

After finishing his work, he peered over to Raven’s side of the desk to see if she had returned back to her work, which to his astonishment, she had. From the position of her arms, he could tell that she was using some sort of device, probably a phone if he had to guess. He was mildly glad that she was at least attempting to act like it was over, although he had a feeling she was the type of person to enact on silent revenge, and ignore him for the rest of the day,, or if she was persistent enough, for the entire year. Even though they rarely spoke, he valued every word she had to say. Even the insults.

“I’m sorry. I should have been more considerate to you, and I was... lost in my own frustration. I know you don’t do anything to deserve it..” Raven spoke before she entrenched herself into her work. Although the apology seemed forced, Angelus saw that a part of her was trying to care, which to him meant just as much as actually caring due to the fact that he never really cared about much of anything.

“Its fine, if anything i was at fault. I need to loosen up a bit and get out more.” he smiled slightly to show that he took the incident with a light heart, and that he wasn’t as serious as he portrayed himself to be. She paused for a moment, then turned to face him, their eyes meeting almost instantly.

And then she smiled back at him. Not the nervous smile thats given to break tension, or the Sarcastic smile that was meant to piss off people, but the smile that showed that underneath the cold, pessimistic shell was a shadow of a heart. It may not have been a loving heart, or even a caring one for that matter, but the fact that she let him peek at it made him impulsively chuckle to let out the extra feeling from his being.

The four seconds that they gazed upon each others smiles seems more along the lines of about a minute, and without the bell ringing it would have been longer. He didn’t say goodbye, and neither did she. It wasn’t necessary, and that was something that they both knew at the time. After Angelus left the room, Jasmine tagged along to head to lunch with him, proudly skipping through the hallway.

feel free to comment and critique, but go easy :) this is a first for me.

January 6th, 2011, 03:51 AM
caused--> made, or better, 'his jacket flickered in the dry (pale?- i'd like to know what that means) wind'

orange, tainted sky= ocean? I suppose I haven't seen any ocean in a while but this is new.

allow himself to regain... just 'to regain', then 'if he'd ever had it' or something

he still had the mind of instead of his mind was still that

I don't see how not knowing how to control your emotions would mean you could jump in and out of relationships without pain or problem.

I don't like 'oh so inevitable future he was waiting for to be acted upon'--- this needs to be changed too.

for a good amount of time-- for a while, or something

I suppose it seems like an alright idea for a story, a demon living with people, though it's probably just a slight variation on the vampire living with people which is oh so popular right now (or 2 years ago I don't know). You'll have to do something original with it, I have no ideas, I've never read any vampire book. Right now the demon just seems like an average highschooler. I suppose it would be cliche to make him manipulative, but that's the best I've got. Or maybe go the opposite way, have him be really sensitive.

Sorry I really have no experience in the genre, I never even watched that Adam Sandler movie.

Some Call Me tim
January 6th, 2011, 07:31 PM
There is a lot of info dump here, with not much action. The only action here is that he is standing somewhere and the wind "flickered" his jacket. I recommend starting with some action, and work in the demon part slowly. Don't tell me right up front about his upgringing and his reason for being here. Let me, as the reader, figure these things out through dialog and action.

What is this nameless character doing? Where is he? What are his surroundings? Is there anyone else nearby? What are they doing? What is the relationship to the nameless main character? Show me these things through events and vivid descriptions. Telling me he is a demon with emotional disfunction who happens to be going to school for the moment, although interesting as an idea, needs to be shown to the reader in increments and with interesting actions to be really effect and emotive.

January 7th, 2011, 01:41 AM
Not really enough for me to comment towards story or content. Grammar wise I am quite bad at myself, but I notice you do a lot of run-on sentences. When you are able to, write a SS or a excerpt and i'll try again. =}

January 8th, 2011, 05:49 PM
My apologies for not coming back to this thread, or site. my mail inbox considered it to be spam. but anyways..
@darkonone yeah, that makes enough sense. i involved a little bit too much of my self in the paragraph, so it conflicted with who the character actually was, i.e controlling his emotions, then the relationship bit. just goes to show you i have a long way to go. the idea came in my head, and although it does sound alot like vampires and such, i tried to make it so it wouldnt in my outline of things.:)

@Some Call Me tim Yeah my college professor told me that just yesterday, so ive been working to try to make an outline rather then just write from my head, seeing as most of my story at the time (4 pages worth) was just descriptions of characters. i havent decided if this book will have more action or romance, or an odd combination of both, but it seems now that a rewrite may be necessary.

@Johnathanrs ill post the rest of the atrocity in a bit .

Celeste Barwick
January 8th, 2011, 07:28 PM
The dry, pale winds caused Angelus’s jacket to flicker violently.

I think that the first sentence is very important. The opening sentence that you used is close to being strong, but is a little broken. The word "pale" suggests something weak or feeble, but "violently" suggests the opposite. Maybe you could try something like this:

"Angelus's jacket flickered violently in the arid, merciless winds."

Also (and I mention this because I tend to do this myself), try substituting a period for a comma, if the period is unnecessary. This will help you avoid run on sentences. It will also make your sentences feel more powerful.

The dialog is good, very natural. The character development and their interaction with each other is also natural and believable. I like the concept of a demon living among us.

January 8th, 2011, 08:48 PM
I think that the first sentence is very important. The opening sentence that you used is close to being strong, but is a little broken. The word "pale" suggests something weak or feeble, but "violently" suggests the opposite. Maybe you could try something like this:

"Angelus's jacket flickered violently in the arid, merciless winds."

Also (and I mention this because I tend to do this myself), try substituting a period for a comma, if the period is unnecessary. This will help you avoid run on sentences. It will also make your sentences feel more powerful.

The dialog is good, very natural. The character development and their interaction with each other is also natural and believable. I like the concept of a demon living among us.

Thank you for that. :) and yeah, i need to brush up on my vocabulary. I wanted a book that depicted a little bit of me in my self as well as what i daydream about, and after im done with the first chapter, im going to revise it and make sure it says what i imagined in my head, and reword it to portray a more powerful image without the unnecessary commas.