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HippoHead
January 2nd, 2011, 02:03 AM
Has been a while since I've been here, but, well, here we go. This is an extract from a novel I'm working on, in which a plane crashes through from Earth into what the characters believe to be the gap between dimensions. This is its opening. Commenters get reviewed back, just tell me which piece of yours you would like me to read.




PORTAL

1
Flight 67 was suspended in the great, empty space that was the gap between dimensions. It did not have any visible means of accomplishing this, it simply hovered there as if elevated by way of invisible strings. This used to be a big issue; something that was questioned by all of the surviving passengers of this damned voyage, but not anymore. They had been here too long to focus on why this was the case; not that they had known how long they had been in this empty realm, only that it had been a long time. Time had no place in this dimension. It was ageless, and even their watches had stopped working. They were all synchronised in their redundancy. The ever-present white background outside the windows pressed in on them from all sides. They were all trapped in their metal box, spending their days simply sitting and turning slowly insane. And strange things were happening all around them; whether it was due to uncontrolled imagination or the twisted rule of this no-place was highly debateable, and there was no-one who had come to the decision as to which of these theories was less terrible to comprehend. There seemed to be no way of getting back to Earth, and they were still unsure as to how they had even ended up in this realm. The theorem that they had slipped through a gap in reality and ended up in between the wall between worlds was the most popular.

The strange things that were happening all around them were so varied that an example of one would be redundant. We shall instead start with the first oddity that unfolded on entering this realm; Drakeís mirrored image stepping into reality and corrupting his already poisoned mind.

Olly Buckle
January 2nd, 2011, 03:18 AM
1
Flight 67 was suspended in the great, empty space that was the gap between dimensions. It did not have any visible means of accomplishing this, it simply hovered there as if elevated by way of invisible strings. This used to be a big issue; something that was questioned by all of the surviving passengers of this damned voyage, but not anymore. They had been here too long to focus on why this was the case; not that they had knownknew how long they had been in this empty realm, only that it had been a long time. Time had no place in this dimension. It was ageless, and even their watches had stopped working. They were all synchronised in their redundancy. The ever-present white background outside the windows pressed in on them from all sides. They were all trapped in their metal box, spending their days simply sitting and turning slowly insane. And strange things were happening all around them; whether it was due to uncontrolled imagination or the twisted rule of this no-place was highly debateable, and there was no-one who had come to the decision as to which of these theories was less terrible to comprehend. There seemed to be no way of getting back to Earth, and they were still unsure as to how they had even ended up in this realm. The theorem that they had slipped through a gap in reality and ended up in between the wall between worlds was the most popular.

Read through leaving out everything I have highlighted, I think it still has the same meaning.

Coming to a decision implies multiple possibilities, therefore a decision, not the

They can't "spend their days" if there is no time, in fact it can not have been a long time either, only seemed a long time.

shadows
January 2nd, 2011, 11:31 AM
Hi Hippohead

As Olly has suggested, this opening could be tightened as you do repeat things as well as using filler words such as all, there. But remember this is just my perspective and I'm no expert, just offering my thoughts.


Flight 67 was suspended in the great, empty space that was the gap between dimensions. It did not have any visible means of accomplishing this, it simply hovered there as if elevated by way of invisible strings.

empty and space say much the same thing and great isn't needed and gap just repeats the same idea




This used to be a big issue; something that was questioned by all of the to the surviving passengers of this damned voyage, but not anymore. They had been here too long to focus on why this was the case; not that they had known knew how long they had been in this empty realm, only that it had been was a long time. Time had no place in this dimension. It was ageless, and Even their watches had stopped working. They were all synchronised in their redundancy.



you could say survivors of this damned voyage

You could say - Even their watches had stopped; synchronised in their redundancy

You use had when simple past tense will do.



The ever-present white background outside the windows pressed in on them from all sides. They were all trapped in their metal box, spending their days simply sitting and turning slowly insane. And strange things were happening all around them; whether it was due to uncontrolled imagination or the twisted rule of this no-place was highly debateable, and there was no-one who had come to the decision as to which of these theories was less terrible to comprehend.

Try not to overtell. It is enough to say it was debateable


There seemed to be was no way of getting back to Earth, and they were still unsure as to how they had even ended up in this realm. The theorem that they had slipped through a gap in reality and ended up in between the wall between worlds was the most popular.


Saying there was no way is stronger than there seemed to be especially as they have been suspended there for a long time.

You have already said they were in a gap between dimensions so no need to repeat


The strange things that were happening all around them were so varied that an example of one would be redundant. We shall instead start with the first oddity that unfolded on entering this realm was Drakeís mirrored image stepping into reality and corrupting his already poisoned mind.

You have already said strange things happened around them so again no need to repeat it. Show don't tell.

garza
January 2nd, 2011, 09:28 PM
You have a usage problem with theorem. Since nothing has been proven, I believe you mean theory.

HippoHead
January 3rd, 2011, 12:21 AM
cheers for pointing out the problems, lot of mistakes for a couple of paragraphs! I always seem to miss the glaring errors so it's good to get such thorough feedback. Will definitely review my work again.

Richard :/
January 3rd, 2011, 12:36 AM
I think that you have the start of something really nice here. There are only a couple things that I'd critique(though I don't know if I'm in a position to do so). The third sentence doesn't make much sense on the first few reads through, it seems like it could be clarified or simplified. Also some of the descriptions are redundant and certain phrases seemed to be used too often. For instance, you use the word "they" and the phrase "they were all" quite a bit, when it might be better to strike some of those uses.

Overall I really enjoyed this piece! Two thumbs up.

If you want to review something of mine, I recently posted something under the name First Post(some language).

Cheers,
Rich

Cambyses
January 3rd, 2011, 04:00 AM
Everyone else has pointed out what I planned on critiquing. All I can say is tighten it up and you will have yourself an intriguing hook.