PDA

View Full Version : Nuts and Bolts (Extremely Graphic Foul Language)



MJ Preston
December 30th, 2010, 07:44 AM
This is something I started working on, looking for some feedback. Possible prologue for a novel.

Nuts and Bolts




1


No turning back, he thought. No mercy.

The dirty gym sock was twisted around the ring and middle finger on his right hand, weighted down by the contents he had put in there earlier in the morning. It was time to put on his game face and get this done. He tightened his fist feeling the cotton weave dig into the webbing between his fingers. His heart picked up its beat as he pushed his way through the crowded hall toward them.

No one saw the sock filled with nuts and bolts swinging like a pendulum back and forth at his side, but a few saw his face and that was enough to get out of his way. His eyes were red and angry, the lids still puffy. His cheeks were red from the tears that had set them on fire only a half hour before. One of his ears was swollen from the slap he had gotten and although the ringing had stopped he still heard the taunting.

“What are you gonna do faggot? Little faggot! Go ahead cry!”

Ahead they waited for the afternoon bell, leaning against the lockers, oblivious to the danger that was coming at them full steam. There were three of them. Pat Harmen, Gord Spelay, and the ring leader of their posse; Larry Gill. Larry was laughing with his cohorts as the others in the hall moved away from the approaching danger.

They were only a few feet away. Gill would be first, he decided and took two more steps swinging the sock in a windmill arch and letting out a cry that stopped everyone dead in their tracks.

“Faggot!” he screamed as the sock connected with Gill’s lower lip turning it into a stew of red and pink tissue, then one of the 3/8 coarse thread bolts poked through the cotton sock and shattered his incisor and eye tooth. The pain had not yet set in, nor had the bolt finished its work as it tore a gash up his cheek and punctured his right eye.

The other two had not even a chance to process what was happening. They watched dumbly as their friends face seemed to peel open like a zipper from mouth to eye. He slid down the locker, great gluts of blood spurted out across the locker and a girl in the hall began to scream.

“Gill,” Gord Spelay said and the sock caught him across the bridge of his nose on its second arch. He felt the gristle bend over and then there was a pop as it snapped and his nasal cavity was exposed to the open air. When he brought his hands up he was horrified to realize that his nose was almost completely detached from his face. Another kid vomited, but Gord could not see him.

Pat Harmen tried to run for it, but bounced off an open locker door and that was what sealed his fate as the third arch came down on the back of his head and the bolt that had been poking through broke free and drove itself into the back of his skull. He was dead before he hit the ground.

He tuned back toward Gill who was moaning on the floor, unable to articulate his agony through the battered hole that was his mouth. He did not see the students frozen in horror, did not see the teacher trying to fight his way up the hall. He only saw Gill there moaning like a baby. The same Gill who had tortured him for the last three years.

“Whose the faggot now Gill? Whose the faggot now?” And with that he swung the sock again and again as blood splashed upward and the screams around him multiplied and intensified. He did not stop though, he continued until the dirty white sock became crimson red and the contents inside finally broke through the content membrane and exploded out like shrapnel.

“Marty,” A voice from behind screamed. “Marty stop this.”

Gill was dead, his face a no longer recognizable, a mixture of bone, skin and blood. A few feet away Gord Spelay waited to die as he gingerly held his nose with his right hand. The initial shock had worn off and he felt the sting of what felt like tiny insects burrowing through his face in all directions.

Marty Angus stood there the blood soaked sock hanging limply in right hand, staring down at what was left of Gill. “Whose the faggot now Motherfucker,” he said through clenched teeth.

He dropped the sock and looked to his audience. “Show’s over.”

That was when Mr. Todd tackled him and they crashed to the floor.



He didn’t resist at all, and why would he? Mr. Todd was his favorite teacher.

Olly Buckle
December 30th, 2010, 09:39 AM
My first instinct was it was more like a finish than a start, then I thought you could tell us how he got there, thenthought what happens next, and over the next few weeks, would make an interesting and unusual approach.

valo123
December 30th, 2010, 05:30 PM
I enjoyed it. Reminded me of a short story by King about a snapped kid who unloads a rifle on his college campus. A few commas missing in places, and two or three sentences that could lose a word or two and become more effective, but very good overall. I like Olly's idea, creating the story around what preceded this. Then when you come to the attack scene, maybe end the story with him in the psyche ward or something of that nature (although that's the obvious route).

Bilston Blue
December 30th, 2010, 05:37 PM
Hi there, I liked this piece; I want to know what happens next, and before too. I thought about why I cared about Marty, because I don't know much about him at all. What I do know is he's been bullied to such an extent he's prepared to kill to end it, so I guess I sympathise with him because of this, and at the point you reveal the bullying has been happening three years I was thinking 'go on, finish him off.'

I like the descriptions of the injuries also, I think it slows down the action, almost as if we're watching a slow motion replay of it.

More please... :-D

Regards

Scott.

shadows
December 30th, 2010, 10:00 PM
Grim stuff and the ultimate revenge. Well told.

In many ways it is a complete short story. The reader knows that Marty has been bullied for three years by the three boys and has now flipped and got his revenge. Unless you want to take him through - prison or a secure psychiatric unit I don't see where else there is to go.

I think if you wanted this as a prologue, you would only want to show him getting the sock ready and going to the school to seek out the boys and then the massacre would be your ending and the main bulk the story that led up to it.

lowprofile300
December 30th, 2010, 11:29 PM
That was well played. It's a nice mad revenge piece; as enjoyable as a chilled glass of chianti after a long days work. Well played indeed.

plbuster
December 31st, 2010, 02:35 AM
Awesome postal! Touches on a nerve.

MJ Preston
December 31st, 2010, 02:28 PM
Nuts and Bolts


No turning back, he thought. No mercy.

The dirty gym sock was twisted around the ring and middle finger on his right hand, weighted down by the contents he had put in there earlier in the morning. It was time to put on his game face and get this done. He tightened his fist feeling the cotton weave dig into the webbing between his fingers. His heart thumped harder as he pushed his way through the crowded hall toward them.

No one saw the sock filled with nuts and bolts swinging like a pendulum back and forth at his side, but a few saw his face and that was enough to make them get out of his way. His eyes were red and angry, the lids still puffy. His cheeks were flush from the tears that had set them on fire only a half hour before. One of his ears was swollen from the slap he had gotten, and although the ringing had stopped he still heard their taunting.

“What are you gonna do faggot? Little faggot! Go ahead cry!”

Ahead they waited for the afternoon bell, leaning against the lockers, oblivious to the danger that was coming at them full steam. There were three of them. Pat Harmen, Gord Spelay, and the ring leader of their posse; Larry Gill. Gill was laughing with his cohorts as the others in the hall moved away from the approaching danger.

Only a few feet away now.

Gill would be first, he decided, taking two more steps, swinging the sock in a windmill arch, and letting out a cry that stopped everyone dead in their tracks.

“Faggot!” he screamed as the sock connected with Gill’s lower lip turning it into a stew of red and pink tissue. Then one of the 3/8 coarse thread bolts poked through the cotton sock and shattered his incisor and eye tooth. The pain had not yet set in, nor had the bolt finished its work, tearing a gash up his cheek and puncturing his right eye.

The other two hadn't even processed what was happening. They watched dumbly as their friends face seemed to peel open like a zipper from mouth to eye. He slid down the locker, great gluts of blood spurted out into there air.

A watching girl screamed shrilly.

“Gill,” Gord Spelay said and the sock caught him across the bridge of his nose on its second arch. He felt the gristle bend over, and then there was a pop as it snapped and his nasal cavity was exposed to the open air. Bringing his hands up protectively, he was horrified to realize that his nose was almost completely detached from his face.

A boy vomited, but Gord could not see him.

Pat Harmen tried to run for it, but bounced off an open locker door, and that was what sealed his fate as the third arch came down on the back of his head. The bolt that had been poking through broke free and drove itself into the back of his skull. He was dead before he hit the ground.
He turned back toward Gill who was moaning on the floor, unable to articulate his agony through the battered hole that was his mouth. He did not see the students frozen in horror, or the teacher fighting his way up the hall through the mob of onlookers. He only saw Gill there moaning like a baby. The same Gill who had tortured him over the last three years.

“Whose the faggot now Gill? Whose the faggot now?” And with that he swung the sock again and again as blood. Bone and tissue crunched, splashed upward and the screams around him multiplied and intensified. He did not stop though, he continued until the dirty white sock became crimson red and the contents inside finally broke through the battered cotton membrane and exploded out like shrapnel.

“Marty,” A voice from behind screamed. “Marty stop it!”

Gill was dead, his face a no longer recognizable, a mixture of bone, skin and blood. A few feet away Gord Spelay waited to die as he gingerly held his nose with his right hand. The initial shock had worn off and he felt the sting of what felt like tiny insects burrowing through his face in all directions.

Marty Angus stood there the blood soaked sock hanging limply in right hand, staring down at what was left of Gill. “Whose the faggot now Motherfucker,” he said through clenched teeth.

He let the sock drop and looked to his horrified audience. “Show’s over.”

That was when Mr. Todd tackled him and they crashed to the floor.

He didn’t resist at all, and why would he? Mr. Todd was his favourite teacher.

Elynae
December 31st, 2010, 03:07 PM
Very well written. I wouldn't call it an "enjoyable" read - the content and way it described makes it more shocking than anything - but I take it that that was what you intended.
(could just be me being a sissy as usual...)
This would work very well as the prolouge of a novel; do you intend to describe his stay in prison/mental hospital or something totally different?
I look forward to more.

MJ Preston
December 31st, 2010, 03:16 PM
Very well written. I wouldn't call it an "enjoyable" read - the content and way it described makes it more shocking than anything - but I take it that that was what you intended.
(could just be me being a sissy as usual...)
This would work very well as the prolouge of a novel; do you intend to describe his stay in prison/mental hospital or something totally different?
I look forward to more.

I haven't really decided where the story will go. I do know that this is actually something from Marty's past, but I'm still up in the air as to what will become of him.

fossiliferous_g
January 3rd, 2011, 04:12 PM
Wow! My imagination runs away with me...and I love the kicker line

He didn’t resist at all, and why would he? Mr. Todd was his favourite teacher.

I know we're all dying to know what happens to this kid - is he redeemed because he has endured so much torture? Or is there more torture to come? Does he overcome the bullying? the following moments? trial and incarceration? Does he run away? kill himself? is he gay? I see how this one scene could go in many different directions - a flashback, a flash forward, the kid who paid or the kid who didn't learn...does he become a pseudo-Robin Hood for bullied kids?

It's suspenseful not just in the actions you've described, but in the ideas of what's to come. Good writing!

MJ Preston
January 3rd, 2011, 11:27 PM
It's suspenseful not just in the actions you've described, but in the ideas of what's to come. Good writing!

Thank you.

christianncg
January 9th, 2011, 06:31 PM
Amazing writing, especially in the fact that you used a large amount of detail in describing the violence. As everyone else here stated, i would love to hear what happens next in this story, seeing as there are so many directions this story could take. One day i hope to be as good as you are, kind sir. =D>

PMB
April 17th, 2012, 08:29 AM
I really like the flow. My mind wasn't jerked around, struggling to find the story as I was reading. You've obviously done some editing. Still a few uneccesary words though, but over all it reads more like a polished work. I did not read the whole thing, but what I did read had rhythm... always important I think. I like your basic sentence structure. Can't wait for the next edited or completed version.

playingthepianodrunk
May 9th, 2012, 05:20 AM
Interesting.

TBK
May 9th, 2012, 05:39 PM
Overall, the writing is great! I love the vivid descriptions, and I can feel sympathy for the boy and his struggle. You don't bog me down with pretentiousness, or talk down to me. Your writing is personable! I enjoy that!

You do, however, use a ton of passive voice. To fully engage me, and the rest of your audience, you should consider switching to active voice. If you need to know more about passive and active voice, try: Grammar Girl : Active Voice Versus Passive Voice :: Quick and Dirty Tips ™ (http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/active-voice-versus-passive-voice.aspx) .

Also, try making your sentences more concise. Remember that concision doesn't mean short. It means using only the words you need to clearly make your point.

Example:


Ahead they waited for the afternoon bell, leaning against the lockers, oblivious to the danger that was coming at them full steam. There were three of them. Pat Harmen, Gord Spelay, and the ring leader of their posse; Larry Gill. Gill was laughing with his cohorts as the others in the hall moved away from the approaching danger.

Revision: Pat Harmen, Gord Spelay, and Larry Gill--the ring leader of their posse--waited for the afternoon bell, leaning against the lockers as Marty steamed toward them. Gill obliviously laughed with his cohorts. Others in the hall backed away, sensing the approaching danger.

Can I just say, again, how much I loved this!

What I would really love is for you to show us more! I think using this as a prologue, or even as a first chapter, would be amazing, especially if you did the rest of the novel in flash-back.

Red
May 26th, 2012, 03:51 AM
Good God - with the way my mind was imagining this, I was ready to puke with the students. I'm interested to see where this goes, and I hope you continue. Especially since your last post was over a year ago...

MJ Preston
May 26th, 2012, 03:57 PM
This short has inspired a novel that ongoing.

TBK
May 29th, 2012, 08:14 PM
I hoped it would!

Scott9787
May 30th, 2012, 03:29 AM
Wow... I love it! It's short, but gives just enough detail and description to make it intriguing. I actually feel sorry for Marty, kinda glad he did what he did. The descriptions of what is happening are very vivid, I can instantly form an image in my mind of what is going on. Looking forward to seeing more!

PaulMcElligott
May 31st, 2012, 12:26 AM
I'm as much interested in what lead up to this as what happens next. It sounds like our protagonist's fate is sealed, so I would expect this to be a prologue to a story told in flashback.

Anthem
June 23rd, 2012, 10:10 PM
I really enjoyed this short story! I will side with the minority in saying that I believe the ending was perfect. Sure, I wonder what happened to Marty. Jail? Mental institution? Was Marty eventually released decades later with nothing and no one? However, I think approaching your audience here is similar to pursuing a woman. Leave 'em wanting more.

Scorcho
July 2nd, 2012, 05:39 AM
Brutal. Detailed. Very enjoyable.

JayRiggs
July 20th, 2012, 07:50 AM
I found it a little contrived and cheesy in places. Such as, "Ahead they waited for the afternoon bell, leaning against the lockers, oblivious to the danger that was coming at them full steam. There were three of them. Pat Harmen, Gord Spelay, and the ring leader of their posse; Larry Gill. Larry was laughing with his cohorts as the others in the hall moved away from the approaching danger."

I don't know, it's well written. But some parts just seem a little typical for that "I'm gonna get you after school" fighting the bully type thing.

MJ Preston
July 23rd, 2012, 10:35 PM
I found it a little contrived and cheesy in places. Such as, "Ahead they waited for the afternoon bell, leaning against the lockers, oblivious to the danger that was coming at them full steam. There were three of them. Pat Harmen, Gord Spelay, and the ring leader of their posse; Larry Gill. Larry was laughing with his cohorts as the others in the hall moved away from the approaching danger."

I don't know, it's well written. But some parts just seem a little typical for that "I'm gonna get you after school" fighting the bully type thing.

Well thanks for the critique.

FrederickS
July 26th, 2012, 07:23 AM
So when I look at a book, I read the first paragraph and see if it's interesting. If I can read the whole page and remain interested, I buy it. I'm still interested in this story.

One technical observation: Go buy a unripe pumpkin or cantelope. Hit it hard with a sock filled with nuts and bolts. The effect is still devastating and will knock someone out but a single strike won't do all the stuff described above. Although they don't have a skull directly underneath, I recommend them because doing that to a person will likely result in feelings of guilt or jailtime.

Jamie Cook
July 31st, 2012, 01:32 AM
A strong, climactic event. It feels like it could be stronger if you added more figurative description or metaphor to it, to slow down the action and let the reader enjoy it longer, but that might not work with your writing style.

MJ Preston
July 31st, 2012, 03:32 AM
This piece has actually been retooled and is part of a characters past from a novel I am presently working on.

Industrial
July 31st, 2012, 12:23 PM
This piece has actually been retooled and is part of a characters past from a novel I am presently working on.

Let me know the name of it so I can be sure not to buy it.

For someone that uses such graphic language, and only for the sake of getting attention, your bars ain't nearly hard enough to justify such explicit language; This piece although displaying vulgarity shows no particular talent or skill.

MJ Preston
July 31st, 2012, 02:49 PM
In that case I'll be sure to fire you off a complimentary copy. PM me your address and I'll get one in the mail. :)

Seckroth24
October 18th, 2012, 10:35 PM
Love this. I started with your other short "Shelly" and loved your style and came crawling for more. Personally I thought that this was terrific. Beautifully written and its dark, the graphic nature only adds to it. The only critique I could give this would be that it is too short and I want more! Fantastic job once again!

lowprofile300
March 18th, 2013, 02:06 AM
Let me know the name of it so I can be sure not to buy it.

For someone that uses such graphic language, and only for the sake of getting attention, your bars ain't nearly hard enough to justify such explicit language; This piece although displaying vulgarity shows no particular talent or skill.

@Industrial, Jesus! dude, you didn't have to go there. Lets keep it polite and civil.

Bakslashjack
April 3rd, 2013, 03:21 AM
HAHAHA OMG!
Yes, this is really good.
perfect use of sentence length. I love the narrative, this is....omg wait what the teacher?!!!. HAHAHAHAHAA LOL. Dude, if I may be so bold. this is fantastic.
Send more to me directly, I seriously don't want to miss this.

MJ Preston
April 3rd, 2013, 03:43 PM
Thanks, this short piece seems to draw both positive and critical response. I have used the basic storyline for the novel I am now working on, but the names have changed and it is not the scope of the entire novel.