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SilverMoon
December 27th, 2010, 11:00 PM
I'm that guy.The kind of guy who opens doors for women just to see their reaction.They think chilvary is dead. I like to surprise just for the hell of it. I wash my hands vigorously. I mean like raw after taking a piss which goes to show you just how anal I am. I’m the one who obliges the family at Thanksgiving dinner, praying for our blessed bounty, throwing in subtle jabs just to see how much bullshit I can get away with. I can tell you’re liking me already. That’s another thing about me. I’m sarcastic. I’m with the understanding it’s lowest form of humor but how lame is that? It’s not about humoring people, it’s about debasing them, their sohpomoric notions, their false impressions of themselves. What genius came up with the notion that sarcasm was humor? Now this is humour. The likes of, Noel Coward or Oscar Wilde. Their irreverent attitude toward so called socially significant ideas.

I have this girlfriend, Kat. Now, I’m a different kind of guy around her. I don’t know if I love her but she’s smart enough not to take any of my shit. So I’m rather passive, almost submissive around her but I silently judge her for being a pseudo-intellectual. Like she reads Anias Nin so at parties she can sound like a well read feminist. Kat will say “Nin was one of the first women to fully explore the realm of erotic writing.” And then quote her. Every single time the same quote. "Creation which cannot express itself becomes madness." This must make me mad because I am a creation who cannot express myself around her.

For instance, one night I was on the couch reading Nietzsche’s “Twilight of the Idols”. Kat’s part Jewish and went on a rant “What the fuck?! So now you're reading Nietzsche? A fucking Anti-Semitic prick!” She pronounces Nietzsche the wrong way and I just want to shake her. Like when she pronounces Anias, Aneous. It’s a waste of time telling her that Nietzshe wrote about morality and frequently spoke admiringly of Jewish history and culture in Europe. She’ll just carry on, so I stay quiet. And then she’ll say in an almost mothering way “Why don’t you take your dour books back to the library and rent a good comedy?” Huh, honey?

Comedies depress me basically because I can’t relate to them. Though I like vintage cartoons. Like the folks who wrote these had to be tripping on some acid. Some deep-seated psychological shit going on with me, I guess. Oh, don’t cry for me. You should know me better by now already. Don’t make me have to lay some thick sarcasm on you. It’s just that my life was never a party and that is why I am this way and no doubt stemming from some defense mechanism of sorts. Oh! Great. Now I’m beginning to sound like Kat who minored in psychology at NYU. NYU for girls smart enough but not as smart as to get into Columbia. And Kat wanted Columbia. Maybe that’s why she tries so hard.

You know it just dawned on me that I’m sounding a bit like Woody Allen doing one of his monologues in his films. Now, this is one guy I’d like to sit down with and discuss Nietzsche. A thought. I, his counterpart, the WASP. Ha! Some would say hubris is talking. Oh, crap. That’s another thing about Kat. She thinks hubris is hummus which brings me to the question “Why am I with her? Well, it’s clear that I need to feel intellectually superior to some educated chic who just went through the motions. And she is beautiful in a mysterious kind of way though there really is no mystery. And this is pathetic, man. I only kinda love her because she loves me.

She’s calling from the kitchen, now, asking me if I’m allergic to peanuts because she needs to know if she should put them in the batter for brownies. I tell her “No” and look around the loft she partitioned into rooms. Why did I let her do that? I can’t breath as it is. I pick up Nietzsche but am not into him, now. I mess around with a Rubik’s Cube. I have one for the office, too.

shadows
December 27th, 2010, 11:52 PM
Hi Silvermoon

Intersting musings of this guy. I don't normally like being addressed as the reader, preferring to be inside the MC's head. It tends to make me feel I'm being talked at but that is just a personal thing.

You create two strong characters but I wondered where you were taking them. It kind of peters out at the end and I do feel sorry for Kat.

A few thoughts but again they are just my perspective.


Iím a guy. The kind of guy who opens doors for ladies just to see their reaction. I wash my hands after taking a piss which goes to show you just how anal I am. Iím the one who obliges the family at Thanksgiving dinner, praying about our blessed bounty, just to see how much bullshit I can spew and get away with. I can tell youíre liking me already. Thatís another thing about me. Iím sarcastic. Iím with the understanding I understand itís lowest form of humor but how lame is that? Itís not about humoring people, itís about debasing them, their ideas. Their ideas or lack thereof.

You could start with -

I'm the kind of guy..... to avoid the repetition.

since when is washing your hands after taking a piss anal?

Love the bullshit line


I have this girlfriend named Kat. Now,

named isn't needed and not what most people would say


So now your reading Nietzsche? A fucking Anti-Semitic prick!Ē

your should be you're

just a thought - instead of Anti-Semitic prick you could say - A fucking Anti-Semite, somehow it seems stronger


Comedies depress me basically because I canít relate to them like when a parade comes on TV, I literally run into another room. Some deep seeded psychological shit going on with me, I guess. Oh, donít cry for me. You should know me better by now already. Donít make me have to lay some thick sarcasm on you. Itís just that my life was never a party and that is why I am this way and no doubt stemming from some defense mechanism of sorts. Oh! Great. Now Iím beginning to sound like Kat who minored in psychology at NYU. NYU for girls smart enough but not as smart as to get into Columbia. And Kat wanted Columbia. Maybe thatís why she tries so hard.

basically, literally are empty words (I know I do the same) but either he is running into another room or he isn't

Already is another word that adds nothing to a sentence especially coming after now.

maybe - and no doubt stems

some/off sorts seem to say the same thing in this instance

as smart as to get into Columbia - reads oddly. Maybe

...NYU for smart girls but not smart enough to get into Columbia

Thanks for the read, enjoyed

SilverMoon
December 28th, 2010, 12:29 AM
I don't normally like being addressed as the reader, preferring to be inside the MC's head. It tends to make me feel I'm being talked at but that is just a personal thing.


Shadow, this must be a personal thing as many writers pull this off successfully


Since when is washing your hands after taking a piss anal?

Note "vigerously". I would call that anal


I’m with the understanding I understand it’s lowest form of humor but how lame is that? It’s not about humoring people, it’s about debasing them, their ideas. Their ideas or lack thereof. You could start with -

I'm the kind of guy..... to avoid the repetition.


The guy is pompous "I'm with the understanding..." Just the way "he" speaks. About avoiding the repeating. I'm also a verse writer and repetitions serve the purpose for impact, sometimes the melodic. I believe a background in verse can only add to the prose process.

Thanks for catching "your". I hate when that happens.


Yes. Kat is a very sympathetic character but I wanted "The Guy", his isolation, his misanthropic ways, to be felt as a sad plight as well.

SilverMoon
December 28th, 2010, 01:49 AM
So involved with explanations that I forgot to thank you. Thank you, Shadows for your input

Gumby
December 28th, 2010, 01:55 AM
I do believe you've captured the feel of a male mindset well, Laurie. Not always easy to do when you're a female. :)



And she is beautiful in a mysterious kind of way though there really is no mystery And this is pathetic, man. I only kinda love her because she loves me.




I loved this line as it resounded with a sad kind of truth for many men and women.

Olly Buckle
December 28th, 2010, 02:00 AM
Something about the style made me think of Kerouak, years since I have read him and probably not at all like , but something about the sparseness and self absorbtion. You catch a certain sort of man very well.

Edit; Gumby posted as I did and with the same thought, only I left out the bit about not easy for a woman because it sounded wrong from a man.

Sync
December 28th, 2010, 02:23 PM
Hello Silvercloud,

I enjoyed this piece. There was one part of a line felt odd to me.


which goes to show you just how anal I am

because his actions to me, didn't describe the descriptor used. Probably just my outlook on life.

but I liked the voice of the mc, it suited the story.

thanks for the read

Sync

SilverMoon
December 28th, 2010, 07:45 PM
Thank you, Cindy. I don't know why but I have always been more comfortable writing, using a male as the protagonist. I'm fascinated by human nature in general and always like a challenge i.e. trying to understand the opposite sex, listening to men very carefully when they have stories to tell me. I always try to put myself in their shoes even if I don't particulary like what I'm hearing. It seems I have to work much harder to get into a woman's psyche for some strange reason when writing prose. Easier for me to capture in verse. I do believe that this is more of a portraiture than a short story as their is no climax.

SilverMoon
December 28th, 2010, 08:07 PM
Olly, thank you. That you found the flavor of this piece reminiscent of Kerouak, the great "beat writer", has me standing taller today. I've never read "On the Road" but have heard enough about it. In general, I'm aware that he considered writing as identical to introspection. This happens to be my fashion as you've witnessed in my verse.

I wrote this very quickly, in a little over a half hour with virtually no edit (Not how I manage my verse. I edit it to death!) There is controversy about how much time Kerouak spent writing OTR. It's said that in one burst of energy he wrote the novel in just 20 days. This makes me wonder how long it took Faulker to churn out a book being that he wrote "Stream of Consciousness". But now I'm begining to take you On Another Road!

Another "thank you" will do.

SilverMoon
December 28th, 2010, 08:27 PM
Hi, Sync

I can understand your confusion concerning my use of "anal" As in "anal retentive"


The term anal retentive (also anally retentive), commonly abbreviated to anal, is used conversationally (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conversation) to describe a person who pays such attention to detail that the obsession becomes an annoyance to others,


I wash my hands vigorously after taking a piss which goes to show you just how anal I am.

I included "vigorously" (which relates to "anal" in my context) after you read the initial, perhaps. I explained this to Shadows.

Sync, I'm not quite sure what you mean here?


because his actions to me, didn't describe the descriptor used. Probably just my outlook on life.

I'm glad you liked the MC's voice because it's this voice used to evoke, hopefully, a strong reaction.

Thank you for reading, again. Laurie

Sync
December 28th, 2010, 08:30 PM
so this was just him taking time in the bathroom, being an ass?

often air moves by me undisturbed, so I miss the obvious :(

SilverMoon
December 28th, 2010, 08:52 PM
I think you missed the point. Read again and don't worry. I have a thing with air, too.

SilverMoon
December 28th, 2010, 11:15 PM
Uzo, and you thought you knew me well! I'm a different animal in Poetry. Glad you enjoyed.

jpatricklemarr
December 29th, 2010, 03:37 AM
I liked the piece and loathed the antagonist, which I guess was your point. :) I think it could use a bit of tightening, only in so much as his thoughts seem to flitter from one thing to the next without much rhyme or reason. And, while I know that our minds can do that, it might confuse the reader. An extra paragraph or two to bridge those sorts of gaps might be called for. It strikes me that this guy likes to hear himself talk and most likely wouldn't be talking to the reader unless A) he considered them an intellectual equal that he's letting in on the joke, or B) someone he's humoring in order to eventually make the reader feel foolish. If we assume it's the former, then the way the speaker carries himself (verbally) seems too ordinary to buy him as an intellectual. If we assume the latter, he might be talking down to the reader. I don't think I fully get either one. The "maleness" of it sounds fine. And you certainly paint him the jerk. Those elements work. But since this sounds conversational as opposed to an intellectual attempting to write to another intellectual, I think there should be more chest-thumping in the feel of the narrative. I was trying to think of an example, but it will be easier to just use your first paragraph and rework it a bit.

I'm that guy. You know the one. The one who opens doors for all the post-feminist ladies just to gauge their reactions. There's always the faint scent of soap on my hands, so the unwashed masses know that I clean my hands vigorously after a piss. I’m the great orator of my family's Thanksgiving dinner, praying like a Texas tent revivalist about our blessed bounty just to see how much bullshit I can slip under the radar. I paint a dishonest portrait of myself so sheep can sleep better at night. But, really, I'm just testing them all, reaching into this insipid society to see how shallow the pool is. Now, don't fall in love with me yet. You're just getting to know me.

That’s another thing to love about me: the sarcasm. I know all the untenured plebians masquerading as educators have tried to sell us the idea that it's the lowest form of humor but, honestly, it's just that they're too witless to appreciate it. Sarcasm, especially when it is wielded by someone of my intellect, is not about humoring people. It’s about debasing them and making a mockery of their ideas and ideologies. Or their lack of same, as is usually the case. What genius came up with the notion that sarcasm was humor? Now, of course, if I bandied about the British wit the likes of Churchill, Coward or Wilde employed that would be another story. Their irreverent attitudes toward socially significant ideas and general love of nonsense greatly appeals to me.

SilverMoon
December 29th, 2010, 04:21 AM
his thoughts seem to flitter from one thing to the next without much rhyme or reason. And, while I know that our minds can do that, it might confuse the reader.

Since the reader thinks this way I was expecting that his inner "flitting about" would resonate with the reader.


It strikes me that this guy likes to hear himself talk and most likely wouldn't be talking to the reader unless he considered them an intellectual equal that he's letting in on the joke,

He speaks to the reader, caring very little if they're an intellectual. He could be talking to Average Joe. He's a guy and just want's another guy to get it.


But since this sounds conversational as opposed to an intellectual attempting to write to another intellectual, I think there should be more chest-thumping in the feel of the narrative.

This is not about the conversational. It takes two people to converse. More chest thumping? I think the guy would have a cardiac arrest.

Jeff, your re-write was brilliant. But I've got to keep they guy musing more simply.

Thanks for your thorough review.

Elynae
December 29th, 2010, 09:21 AM
All has been really said by others, but I have a question related to his Rubik cube:
You say above that he uses it as a way not to adress his ego - does this mean that he uses it is a distraction, more a way to forget or at least overlook
his problems, at least for a moment?
Thanks for the read, it was very enjoyable. Great writing,

SilverMoon
December 29th, 2010, 01:49 PM
Hi, Elynae

I'm glad you enjoyed the read. Thank you.


does this mean that he uses it is a distraction, more a way to forget or at least overlook his problems, at least for a moment?

Yes. His way of focusing, not basically wanting to think about his home life. Himself for that matter. When I say that he also has one at the office, I'm implying that he has issues there as well. His home life and work life are not what he wants them to be.

Chesters Daughter
December 29th, 2010, 04:59 PM
Okay, Missy, I'll forgive you for having me sneak across the border into the land of prose, where I am an illegal alien of the lowest form, but only because it was well worth the barbed wire slashes I acquired snaking my way under the fence. I loved this big time. You know I can't crit because I'm out of my element, but as a reader, I enjoyed this tremendously. Jeff made some fine points, but, I, personally, had no problem following your ass of a gentleman's train of thought, probably because my mind flits from one thing to another in the exact same fashion. I can't tell you how I wish this guy were real so I could have a chat with him, it would be like toying with a mouse before going in for the kill. Talk about fun in its finest form. Can't say I agree with his thoughts on sarcasm, though, gee I wonder why, lol, Kinda made me feel like a bottom feeder. While I felt for Kat, you did a great job evoking that, hon, I figure if she's too blind to see what's right under her nose, even NYU should have barred her, but love is blind, or so I'm told. Loved the use of the Rubik's cube, great way to hide from one's self. You do male well, love, and that's coming from someone who has been told repeatedly that I think like a guy. Your prose rivals your poetry, my dear, you really should dabble more often. I really did enjoy this, Law.

SilverMoon
December 29th, 2010, 05:29 PM
Well, thank you for making the barb wired soujourn to find me here where I feel rather out of my element as well since I haven't written prose in sometime.

All of our minds flit from here to there and that's what I wanted get across in this most lovable character. And when we muse about persons or ideas our thoughts (or maybe I should speak for myself!) usually loose the ten cent adjetives.

As Olly said,


something about the sparseness and self absorbtion.

was the route I wanted to go.

And God help him if you had a talk with him! I'm very pleased that I evoked this kind of response. I've met young men like him and even dated a few so it was really just a matter of mimick of a mindset listening, very carefully.


Can't say I agree with his thoughts on sarcasm, though, gee I wonder why, lol, Kinda made me feel like a bottom feeder.

Oh, no no, you don't! Your humour is utmost clever.

Like yourself, I sometimes think like a man. Often refreshing to step out of this woman's mind.

Thank you so much, Lisa. Glad you enjoyed!