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Matthew92
December 26th, 2010, 10:32 PM
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shadows
December 26th, 2010, 11:13 PM
Hi Matthew

I wondered if this was a short story or the start of something bigger because it feels like the beginning.

You have created quite a disturbing character in Daniel - well he made me feel a little uncomfortable.

A few thoughts, which are just my perspective - not right or wrong simply another POV


She parked her car in front of a fire hydrant. Dan snickered, and left the error recognition to her. Andrea dazed the grin but spared an explanation, hitting the lock and silently strolling past her cocky old friend. She was no easy observer. A bit of a ditz, actually. Dan loved that about her. She was easy. With the two of them alone, he could feel like the smartest person in the room.


Not being familiar with fire hydrants in streets I was puzzled at first as to why it was wrong but I'm guessing it is illegal to park in front of one.

Error recognition sounded a bit convoluted.

Again, possibly transatlantic differences but I haven't a clue what dazed the grin means. It also felt like a bit of a POV switch since Daniel wouldn't describe himself as cocky.


"Turn around," he said. "Move your shit-box."

He repeated the second part, then snarled at the line. Would she find it clever?


To me this felt a bit aggressive and at first I thought he was a cop or something.

I didn't follow what she would find clever - shit box?


Dan backed off, devouring with his eyes the girl's walk. He gobbled up the flow of the hips with each step. He caught every bit of that glorious figure. He could soak the vivid images deep into his brain, forever burned into his memoryŚand sixteen hours later, lay them out onto the thin yellow sheets of his cheap home notebook.

Some strong descriptions here that give good insight into his character.

Perhaps - Dan backed off, his eyes devouring the girl's walk

and - her hips - would read better than the hips


Daniel was an outgoing boy, rich in the head

he doesn't feel outgoing but a bit of a loner and a little awkward with people but maybe that's a misperception. I didn't understand what you meant by rich in the head.


At the moment, Andrea could practically feel it; without any sense of motion blustering behind her, what else could be happening? What a riot. She grinned. She liked the attention.


Here again, you switch POV. It is better to stay in Daniel's head.


Dan said, peeking some more, a bit more obvious now, his head rotating a good few degrees.

the head rotating gives me an exorcist moment


. Andrea adored that, but had no time to admireŚnor any appropriate angle. Just move the car, she thought

here also you switch to Andrea's POV

I think maybe he is deceiving himself that she is charmed. I'd be interested to see where you take this character.

I enjoyed the read.