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View Full Version : Mistress - Warning adult subject matter, fairly explicit



shadows
December 25th, 2010, 12:59 PM
Late at night I dream of handsome princes: dark knights who fly through my open window on winged steeds and take me on a starlit ride to the heavens.

Outside my head, thereís only Simon, whoís no different to others before him: a married man wanting more - with the caveat Ė Iíll call you, because his wife checks his phone.

When he rings, voice overflowing with anticipation I put a smile into my response and tell him what he wants to hear. Of course Iím alone. (Iím always alone).

Thereís just time to slip on seductionís robe before heís knocking at my door, gifting me cheap white wine. It will do to escape the shadows later. A flurry of kisses in the hallway precedes his entry into my bedroom. ĎI can only stay for half an hour,í he says, looking at me with puppy-pleading eyes. I smile, unwilling to think about the wife he is going home to. In my mind, she has no face.

The double bed, too big for one, sags beneath his weight as he slides, naked, between clean mauve sheets. I climb on top in temptress role Ė a familiar act. He rises to my deft touch, clasps my breasts in stubby fingers, kneading while a moan or two escapes my lips. We kiss again. But when he pauses to look at me, I hold him close, so he wonít see the void in my eyes. We shift so Iím on my stomach. He usually likes to come this way. I move to his rhythm, thinking how the sheets will need changing. Soon a shudder signals his climax.

Afterwards he talks about his day at work, asks how mine was. What is there to say? The hours are a blank so I dredge a story from memory that will amuse him. It keeps his fantasy alive; keeps thrill of danger. I am the mistress, his thirty minutes escape Ė fun with none of the weight and politics of relationships.

Itís all illusion but for while Iím not alone.

Johnathanrs
December 25th, 2010, 01:09 PM
I liked it, it was good for the topic.

One part didn't fit right to me:

so he won’t see the void in my eyes. We shift so I’m on my stomach.

+I also think you should take out the so and end the sentence in the six paragraph. My opinion of course.

shadows
December 25th, 2010, 01:26 PM
Thanks Jonathan for the read and suggestions, appreciated.

Foxryder
December 25th, 2010, 04:56 PM
I am so inlove with the title. Geez! Can I get some more? You were so-so gracious to sketch this woman as the story went. Another interesting thing was the emptiness she had, but struggled to conceal.

Something I pondered over: 'gifting me (with) cheap white wine...' Thought 'with' would strengthen the idea conveyed.

Thanks for the read, Shadows.

Elynae
December 25th, 2010, 07:25 PM
I really enjoyed this, the writing had exactly the amount of detail and balance between action and emotions it needed - very good work. I can't find any major flaws in this.
Perhaps the brackets around "I'm always alone" could be removed - or are they supposed to serve a purpose I overlooked? Another small thing would be the ending - I thought the "fun without the weight and politics of relationships" is better suited than "It's all an illusion but for a while I'm not alone", but that may be just me.
Thanks for the read.

Sync
December 25th, 2010, 09:26 PM
Hello shadows, and Merry Christmas.

A well told story and portrayal of a darker side of love/need/resilience.

The few things I mention are just thoughts on the writing and all can be viewed and discarded in the same breath.


Thereís just time to slip on seductionís robe before heís knocking at my door, gifting me cheap white wine. It will do to escape the shadows later. A flurry of kisses in the hallway precedes his entry into my bedroom. ĎI can only stay for half an hour,í he says, looking at me with puppy-pleading eyes. I smile, unwilling to think about the wife he is going home to. In my mind, she has no face.

I just thought it was stronger without those two strikeouts. she is dark enough so that she accepts the gift offered could be enough.

looking/pleading - you don't really need the 'looking at me' because his conversation is directed at you prior and there are only you both in the room. that he instead just says with puppy-pleading eyes, shows me it all at once.


The double bed, too big for one, sags beneath his weight as he slides, naked, between clean mauve sheets. I climb on top in temptress role Ė a familiar act. He rises to my deft touch, clasps my breasts in stubby fingers, kneading while a moan or two escapes my lips. We kiss again. But when he pauses to look at me, I hold him close, so he wonít see the void in my eyes. We shift so Iím on my stomach. He usually likes to come this way. I move to his rhythm, thinking how the sheets will need changing. Soon a shudder signals his climax.

because of the mechanic nature of her movements and emotion, it felt like no pleasure of hers that he was there, because even during the act she is thinking of sheets needing wash after the act, so thinking beyond that moment. so the bolded part almost feels like she is enjoying it(and more power to her if that is the case) but the actions prior/during/after don't really imply this, so I was wondering if 'while I let a moan...' to give the indication of her going through all the motions for him? anyway, i had to mention because it seemed odd in my mind.


Afterwards he talks about his day at work, asks how mine was. What is there to say? The My hours are a blank so I dredge a story from memory that will amuse him. It keeps his fantasy alive; keeps a thrill of danger. I am the mistress, his thirty minutes escape Ė fun with none of the weight and politics of relationships.

Itís all illusion but for while Iím not alone.

it felt like it should be 'her hours not 'the'

'a' with its removal it shows more that the hours are blank, sometimes its even small removals that can emphasis a meaning.

'the weight' of marriage is the 'politics' of marriage, they are one of the same.

****

feel free to ignore my thoughts as always.

nicely written

thanks for the read

Sync

shadows
December 25th, 2010, 09:46 PM
Hi Foxryder

Thanks for reading and your thoughts. I'll consider - with - but I'm unsure it is necessary.

shadows
December 25th, 2010, 09:49 PM
Hi Elynae

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I'm always alone in brackets is what she thinks but doesn't say out loud but because I used italics previously for Simon and didn't know how to convey it.

I am a bit attached to the last line.

Thanks again.

shadows
December 25th, 2010, 09:55 PM
Hi Sync and a very merry Christmas to you also.

Sometimes it is hard to let go of words and I did like the shadows image.

I'll consider the looking/pleading

I agree with - let a moan - it is what I intended but didn't manage to convey

and I also agree with your other two suggestions.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and offer your thoughts, appreciated.

Sync
December 25th, 2010, 11:55 PM
Hello

Oh, don't mistake my thoughts on the shadows image, I do love that and it portrays the emotions of a particular 'solace' after-the-fact, when she is alone.

I think I meant to point at another way, the 'It will do.' meaning it is not the gift she wanted, but until that time, it will do. so a more general outlook on her life. But I did immediately understand what you were showing and I could see it very well.

so wipe that suggestion from your mind. it's just my mind wandering around in your story :)

Sync

shadows
December 26th, 2010, 01:27 AM
Hi Sync

Thank you for returning to explain your reasoning on - It will do

I didn't intend the meaning to be that it isn't the gift she wanted but until then it would do but more that even though it was cheap wine it was still alcohol and would still serve the purpose of taking the edge off reality for a while.

I am happy to have your mind wandering around my stories anytiime. I like how you look at pieces and see how they could be improved.