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Matthew92
December 25th, 2010, 05:10 AM
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Johnathanrs
December 25th, 2010, 12:17 PM
Part 1 review:

Arrangement: Your beginning paragraphs started with: “Jeremy Andrews was a little control freak. Kristina wasn’t grateful. She howled”

Then you did this paragraph later coming back to these characters after a long explanation of the current events like the game, the environment, exc at this paragraph starting with: “Kristina Korstco had broken the rules”

I personally felt that some paragraphs should have been re-arranged for flow purposes here in the 1st part, but it may just be a personal thing of what I enjoy. Meaning: You will have to pay attention to the feedback you get on that. The paragraphs where you introduce your MC’s Jeremy and Kristina then go into everything else then come back to these characters after introducing your world—it felt like the paragraphs with your intro of characters should have been after the world introduction—to me.

Description: You went into a lot of detail about everything going on, which made your world very imaginable. Your descriptions are very good and I understand your world very well including your MC’s. The problem is, for me, there was nothing in part one that really compelled me to want to stay in it. (Like something that broke away from the norm that made you go: huh? and forced you to keep reading. This is what I expect from a thriller) some people might like to establish this in the first three chapters; I personally like to establish this in the first. I am not sure once again if this is a personal thing.

Plot: I have no clue where your story is going, but let’s say it is a book based on tornados. Some basic lines emphasizing the weather would do the trick. Something in the stories background that gives it that suspense. It puts a sense of tension in the story—which is important in my opinion for a thriller based story. If this was a Romance/Drama or something of the sorts, I would say it is perfect.

Writing: Your writing is solid, I could learn from you.

My Final Conclusion: I want more lines like this: “On July 4, 1990, a disaster shook up the state of Connecticut.” Even a basic line, let’s say your story was a fantasy thriller about monsters, A basic paragraph that stands out of place, or a hidden message behind your text. From what I read, it seems more like a drama/romance to me. I think it was written very well, but doesn’t seem like a thriller to me. I think it’s very important to keep suspense in the introduction of the book at least within the first three chapters. I am hoping by your third, you throw in something that stands out.

Part 2:

I was losing interest at this point and skimmed through it reading sections. I got to the ending, and there still wasn’t anything that really lured me into the story, but simply a well-written story.

(Hope I helped, just giving my opinion don't take anything personally. This story may just not suit me, not everyone enjoys everything. But I do enjoy reading thrillers, but usually based around a fantasy concept. Look for more reviews to see if the story did entice someone else to keep wanting more.)

Matthew92
December 25th, 2010, 09:02 PM
Part 1 review:

Arrangement: Your beginning paragraphs started with: “Jeremy Andrews was a little control freak. Kristina wasn’t grateful. She howled”

Then you did this paragraph later coming back to these characters after a long explanation of the current events like the game, the environment, exc at this paragraph starting with: “Kristina Korstco had broken the rules”

I personally felt that some paragraphs should have been re-arranged for flow purposes here in the 1st part, but it may just be a personal thing of what I enjoy. Meaning: You will have to pay attention to the feedback you get on that. The paragraphs where you introduce your MC’s Jeremy and Kristina then go into everything else then come back to these characters after introducing your world—it felt like the paragraphs with your intro of characters should have been after the world introduction—to me.

Description: You went into a lot of detail about everything going on, which made your world very imaginable. Your descriptions are very good and I understand your world very well including your MC’s. The problem is, for me, there was nothing in part one that really compelled me to want to stay in it. (Like something that broke away from the norm that made you go: huh? and forced you to keep reading. This is what I expect from a thriller) some people might like to establish this in the first three chapters; I personally like to establish this in the first. I am not sure once again if this is a personal thing.

Plot: I have no clue where your story is going, but let’s say it is a book based on tornados. Some basic lines emphasizing the weather would do the trick. Something in the stories background that gives it that suspense. It puts a sense of tension in the story—which is important in my opinion for a thriller based story. If this was a Romance/Drama or something of the sorts, I would say it is perfect.

Writing: Your writing is solid, I could learn from you.

My Final Conclusion: I want more lines like this: “On July 4, 1990, a disaster shook up the state of Connecticut.” Even a basic line, let’s say your story was a fantasy thriller about monsters, A basic paragraph that stands out of place, or a hidden message behind your text. From what I read, it seems more like a drama/romance to me. I think it was written very well, but doesn’t seem like a thriller to me. I think it’s very important to keep suspense in the introduction of the book at least within the first three chapters. I am hoping by your third, you throw in something that stands out.

Part 2:

I was losing interest at this point and skimmed through it reading sections. I got to the ending, and there still wasn’t anything that really lured me into the story, but simply a well-written story.

(Hope I helped, just giving my opinion don't take anything personally. This story may just not suit me, not everyone enjoys everything. But I do enjoy reading thrillers, but usually based around a fantasy concept. Look for more reviews to see if the story did entice someone else to keep wanting more.)


I understand what you are saying. But if you really did skim the second chapter, you may have missed the cliffhanger/foreshadowing I threw in there at the end -- the very last paragraph. That could be the sizzle you were looking for. Read it again, maybe. Or perhaps you saw it, and it just wasn't clear enough. Please let me know! Thank you. :)