View Full Version : Title: The Pardox Novel Based:1st Chapter *Some Profanity* Genre: Fantasy Words: 2080

December 24th, 2010, 06:49 PM
Bleh, I really screwed this one up. I wrote this in the sense of a movie not even realizing it at the time. I was wondering why no one replied, because no one was able to follow the darn thing. Well I reposted with like (Change in scenery) where like if you were watching something in the sense of television and watching a narrator discussing the characters and the world. Like a Fade in and Fade Out type of thing

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An alarm clock loudly buzzed, a man sleeping in white arose hammering on the intolerable device silencing it. With a quick yawn, he stretched towards the sky swinging the covers from his body. Still in a sluggish state, he walked down the hall and headed for the rest room.

(Change of scenery in like a movie)or (Fade In, Fade Out)

A splash of water on his face, his reflection gazed back upon him he was regaining awareness from the lands of knights and dragons . He began prepping himself for the day. “Ehhhumm” with a final long yawn and a jerk of the neck he had finished, a final slap of his cheek for good measure.

(Change of scenery in like a movie)

The man stepped outside from his home, the door slammed behind him as he stared outwards engaging the world. It was a bright sunny day; a few clouds loomed in the sky. The morning had dawned. Still the stench of dew filled the air, while birds chirped everywhere. The month was September, 25th to be exact, notably; the weather was rather warm for this time of year.

(Change of scenery in like a movie)

He roared up his engine, his 2004 mustang with a grey coat finish slowly backed from the driveway and headed down the road. He was listening to the same basic broadcast like always, some pointless gibberish announcing meaningless stories.

(Change of scenery in like a movie)

“Good morning Jake” waved Jade as she strode towards the building. He locked his doors behind him, briefcase in hand, “Oh, good morning” he replied back, muttering under his breath “stupid bitch” as he headed towards the building.

(Change of scenery in like a movie)

Another dull morning at the office, paperwork was seen pilled on his desk. His little cubicle reminded him of a cage of some sorts. His stomach was growling, the pain being endured for the time being. A tedious expression was on his face as he sat beginning the morning chores.

(Change of scenery in like a movie)

A pretty dull day at work as he reminisced on the events. He spent most of the time working on a report that was to be credited to his supervisor. At lunch, he overpaid the sandwich lady for a basic meal and finally, he got pestered throughout the entire day by that annoying girl Jade, could it get any worse?

The times seem to move forward with ease, unlike his childhood days. He marched towards his mustang, his valiant steed always faithful, for another file had been vanquished. A turn of the key while a smile laid on his face, an anticipated roar from his companion. “no….” he hammered, his de ja vu not being reminiscent.

A large horn was heard throughout the land, as his forehead hammered on his steering wheel. He briefly spoke, “so this is it huh” a light knock arousing his attention. He glanced towards his left, only to witness an evil beast that laid in wait. Its eyes were gleaming at him with an inquisitor expression. He rolled down his window, preparing for engagement,

“Hey Jade” he smiled, looking upwards at her.

“Hey” she responded, in a glimmered state. “Car troubles huh?”

“Yeahhhhh” he responded, trying to hide his annoyance.

“I can give you a jump” she said, “do you have cables?”

“Afraid not” Jake replied, thinking if there was anyone else to ask at work. It was past normal hours and he was one of the last employees to go home, besides Jade, who purposely enjoyed staying over just to piss him off.

“Would you like a ride home? She asked, (Narration pause screen. Like when you watch something and the screen is paused and you hear a narrator talking) and at that time for that brief moment of existence—he should have evaluated his day thus far. There was something wrong with this scenario. Why was this happening to him? Was it fate, destiny, or that stupid crap people stoked about? Whatever the case, oh what fate had in store for him. He remembered those times, those boring repetitive days where life was pointless. Like a little ant that played its role—not understanding reality itself, not being able to grasp its 4D environment only its basic surroundings. Those times were boring, those times were peaceful, and those times…were gone. But for that one moment, that one specific day, he would come to regret his decision—for fate had a higher purpose.
(End of paused screen)

“Sure” he responded, as he stepped outside.

(Change of Scenery)

Jade was listening to some awkward pop crap as they sped on the highway. What a stupid girl he thought, she always seemed to watch him. Sure she was smart and even dare he say attractive, but that wasn’t the point. She purposely enjoyed making his life a living hell. Competing against him always no matter what the reason, if he had to stay after work—you could be sure she had too as well. Who got the years end bonus? Jade. Who rose to his position straight out of college? Jade. Who did everyone talk about during breaks? Jade. Who pestered him about every…stupid…mundane…question? JADE! It was so frustrating! Errrr, he quenched his teeth hiding his emotions starring out the window. She even had the nerve to make him lunch one day?! Did she pity him? What the hell was this crap? What a stupid girl indeed! Ah, nothing like her…

Jade was biting her lower lip, looking restless. She glanced in the corner of her eye, as she focused on the road. “So…how was work?” she asked, feeling very awkward. “Same as always, you should know, you were there” he inertly responded, his chin resting on his palm. “Ohhh” she replied, feeling the tension in the air. Jade really didn’t talk to anyone, in fact, most perceived her as the really shy type. Yet, for some reason, she had no problem pestering Jake all the time—oh how she could pester. What really annoyed him the most, she was quite the lady in front of her peers, but for him, oh no, she was quite the annoying little child. Like a two faced demon in disguise. He wasn’t sure if she considered him a threat of some sorts, however, he didn’t really care to understand.

They arrived at his apartment complex, parking on the driveway. Jake quickly slammed the door as he got out. “Thanks” he yelled, not even glancing around, but to his dismay—he heard a door shut behind him. Then out of nowhere—it hit him. How did she know where he lived? He never once mentioned it to her, no directions were asked. Not to mention, they didn’t even live that close to each other. He was too preoccupied with his own imagination to even notice it at the time. Had the fly been caught by the spider—his mind began racing through possible scenarios. Was she really a vampire trying to suck his blood? A witch who wanted to eat him, or maybe an alien who wanted to probe him? He quenched, passively turning around to face her.

A faint wind picked up and there Jade stood walking towards him, her hair dancing alongside the gentle breeze. She was staring at the ground, her hands cupped in front of her. “Oh” she glanced at him in a startled state, “you don’t have to walk me to my door, ya know” he chuckled, closing his eyes trying to keep his composure. This girl secretly wants to freaking kill me, he thought.

“I just thought I’d see your place, sorta been looking around” Jade replied unable to look at him.

“Well if you go to the main office they will show you an example of the apartment” Jake wittingly said,

“humph” finally, Jade looked up at him. “I get the impression you don’t want me to see your place?”

“Oh that’s not it” he implied, even though she was exactly correct. “It’s just that I have so much more work to do, and am really busy today. Perhaps another time?”

“Like what?” Jade asked frustrated,

“Like…a report from the…office?” he replied unconvincingly,

“So are you telling me you don’t have enough time for a simple cup of tea with a lady?”

“Well..” Jake began rubbing his neck, “I suppose I do…”

That…little…fucking….bitch, he thought, oh she was good, a worthy adversary indeed. He’d play the game with the little demon in disguise. He wondered if she wanted her tea made with the teardrops of children—unfortunately, he was out at the moment.

Jade smiled, skipping gallantly behind him like an innocent little school girl. She knew she had won.

The door cracked open into his dwelling, as he immediately apologized to her for the uncleanness. Jade stepped inside for the first time looking around. Jakes living room was pretty normal. The basic appliances were there, with a few plants for decoration. There was a small oriental black table that stood out. Jake headed for the kitchen, “help yourself, the remotes somewhere around here, I’m going to get the tea started.” He stated, heading out of sight. She began watching television while on the floor behind the table.

Jake quickly returned, unable to read the atmosphere as he sat on a nearby couch. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, the television slightly blaring—neither one of them able to start a conversation.

“I like your apartment” Jade said, attempting to break the silence. She actually had a secret agenda. In her pocket rested two concert tickets to a musical performance. The problem was, she had absolutely no idea on how to break it to him.
(Jade flashback)

She didn’t have any experience with this kind of stuff, you see she had always been the notable book worm—although, she was asked out a lot during her school days. The boys always gawked at her, but she ignored it. Jade just wanted to be left alone—bored with this reality. She loved passion, adventure, excitement, the stuff of fairy tales—not this, this crappy reality that she was given. At least she still had her books, her movies, and most important—her imagination. Everything changed though one day. It was her first day of work. She was immediately popular in the office all the guys swarmed her like insects to light—except for one. She noticed him immediately; a bored expression was on his face.

She gathered the courage to approach him during a break. Perhaps a mistake, she thought surely he would gawk at her now. “Oh hi” she said, bumping into him on purpose. No change in expression. What’s with this asshole? How dare he ignore me like this?!

This man worked in a different department across the hall, but he blew her off like she was nothing. Then it happened, by pure accident she broke composure, she for once spoke her mind, “strange…aren’t you.” Hesitant at first realizing what she had just said, she awaited a realistic reaction. Nothing, like a statue, he remained unfazed by her comment. “I guess you’re right” he finally said turning around and walking away, “but you know, such an interesting time period we were born in. I rather be one strange man then one sheep any day” He looked over his shoulder, “enjoy your 60 to 80 years” as he faded out of view.

All the other men were hurdled in a group discussing football and laughing with each other. But not this man, he kept to himself all he did was work—how boring! Yet, she could feel something, she couldn’t explain it, but for some reason she felt something deeper; something hidden, something that she had never felt before from any other person. She watched as he walked away, a gradual feeling rising in her chest. What was this?

(End of flashback)

Jade awoke from her daydream. The tea oozed with steam, “that was fast” she said.

He nodded at her as he sat on the other side of the table. Jade had gotten her wish, she had a chance. She had worked hard to move up the ranks, eventually getting moved to the department Jake worked in. Everything was for this moment, this chance in time.

“Jake”...she nervously whispered,

“hmm?” he asked sipping at his tea. “Oh, what’s this?” as he turned up the television, something catching his eye.

A broadcaster’s voice interrupted her. ”We interrupt this broadcast for this special televised announcement.” Jade turned to face the television.


December 25th, 2010, 11:51 PM
Someone pointed out that I write too movie like. I just realized it myself, if anyone wants to take another gander at it. Back to the drawing boards.

+Would be up for some ideas on breaking this habit if anyone is willing.

December 26th, 2010, 06:47 AM
Hi Jonathan

Basically, these 2000 words tell us that Jake gets up, goes to work has a boring day. On going back home his car won't start and Jade the girl from his office offers to give him a lift and she invites herself in for tea. Nothing else happens. If this were a book on a shelf, why would I pick it up and not another one that has something exciting happening at the beginning to hook me in and make me want to turn pages. You need to grab the reader draw them in, set up some kind of tension or conflict. At the moment you have nothing. It doesn't make me think, yeah I want to find out what happens next.

Books aren't like movies. I don't want every step of an action described in detail, I want something that has depth and high interest. Focus more on the relationship between Jake and Jade and the dynamics between them. But be careful not to make Jake unlikeable as a main character. I have just finished reading a book where for most of it the main character was arrogant and I found it hard to keep reading. I like to get into the head of an MC and for most of the time I didn't want to be in this character's head. It was uncomfortable but that's just me.

Sorrry to be so negative and I feel bad about doing so but I also have to give you my honest thoughts.