View Full Version : Fantasy novel Chapter 1

December 24th, 2010, 03:03 AM
Praticing, in hopes to write a novel. If you decide to not give feedback and lose interest in the story please reply with simply "lost interest: the paragraph number or first word"

I've written a few chapters, but this is the first chapter--looking for feedback on everything. Please be as honest as possible, I don't mind harsh criticism. Thank you.

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Book Name: “Unknown” Novel based
Book: Adult/Young Adult
Genre: Fantasy, Action, Suspense, Romance

Chapter 1: Title unknown
The stars, shined brightly, not a single constellation was recognizable. A violet moon radiated in the sky, acting as illumination for this world. A paralyzing fearful creature was seen; it resembled a white leopard, stripped in red and black patterns, four horns, curled alongside its skull, each but a few inches in diameter. Its fur glistened in the violet moonlight, its face, shrouded in mystery. It sniffed alongside the ground. The creature, occasionally gazed upwards, tantalized, by the glowing dots seen above. A sudden jerk of its neck, as it turned to face a hill on the right, peering into the distance as it searched the horizon squinting intensely. Gradually, it turned towards the ground; a guesstimate on what it was searching for, it began sniffing once again.

A young boy was crouched on top of that hill, peering into the vast plain. He kept his composure, analyzing the peculiar beast, which stood 500 meters to his twelve o clock. He quickly ducked, as the creature had suddenly gazed in his direction. Little by little, he raised his head once more—observing the creature once again. He tried to predict its movements, but the creature moved erratically as it sniffed the ground. Indefinite to the boy, it was unaware of him. He tightly gripped his bow in his left hand, an arrow, held firmly in his right fingers. Mentally, he was unraveled, but determined, by his surreptitiousness. The creature was moving swiftly, gradually out of his range. Eventually, drifting outside his line of sight; breaths of relief escaped his lips, as he reassured himself of the passing peril.

The boys name was Jeremiah Light, given to him at birth. He was a young hunter for the Econawa Tribe, whom raised him with core traditions: work for your meal, prove your self-worth, and die with honor. A pretty basic philosophy, yet somehow, remaining unachievable. His features were quite unique, simply because, he stood out among his people. He was brought to this tribe roughly 13 years ago. A large man, bearing the insignia of a laughing demon presented him to a native woman. He knew nothing of his past, or his ordeal, nor did he care to—to him, whatever happened, happened.

“yaaaah” he yawned, as he continued to use the hill for the viewpoint. Currently, he couldn’t see any Zaiken, a popular animal which was hunted in this region. The animal grazed at night time, so hunting it was a challenge; however, he was considered one of the very best at catching it. This was largely in part due to his uniqueness, unlike his fellow tribe people, his eyes could see in the dark—a talent only he was blessed with. A useful ability indeed, that became incomparable during cloudy nights. He walked down the hill, moving in a northeastern direction, knowledge that he asserted from recognition of a constellation. He placed the arrow that he was holding in a leathery holster and swung his bow, carrying it over his right shoulder—he set out.

He rather enjoyed the night time, the grass glowed a light violet hazel, due in part to the moons effect. At times, it would begin dispersing a unique spore, which was quite beautiful to behold. Orbs of violet light would dance alongside a gentle breeze, eventually, dispersing in all directions and presenting quite the divine spectacle. Currently, he was following a trail that, he presumed, was left by a herding pack; His pace was rather abrupt — due in part, to attempting to catch the migrating herd. Eventually, he stumbled upon fresh tracks, analyzing the current distance, based upon his own experience of trial and error. A forest caught his attention, an estimated twenty miles away. The trees had particular leafs which glowed a rather dark green fluorescent color, the veins, held a light greenish tone which swirled with dazzling patterns. He was knowledgeable of the forest, but dared not enter alone. There were many creatures even he was not familiar with—that lurked in its depths. He squatted down, analyzing more new tracks. The herd that he was tracking had shifted directions—it was moving in an eastern direction now.

He quickly sat up, accelerating his pace as he speculated on the current distance of the herd. A ridge approached, which blocked his line of sight. Swiftly, he hiked upwards, reaching the summit in a mundane fashion. Gawking, he investigated the surrounding area, his eyes immediately fixating on the herd which he had been pursuing. There they were, grazing in a specific zone. He was familiar with a plant that most likely grew in that area—it had unique properties that seem to attract the beast. Beaming, he headed in their direction, projecting, he had a possible 40 killable targets to choose from. The distance was roughly eight miles away. While surveying the vicinity, he managed to spot a good elevated position that he presumed was ideal for stalking.

Forty minutes passed by, he had arrived at his destination. Crouching along a tall grassy weed that reached three feet high, it was perfect, due to heightened advantage point just as he had presumed. Silently, cautiously, he shifted the tall blades of grass, spotting a Zaiken in range. The creature hinged on its hoofs, trotting on the grass. Its features were quite intriguing. The beast had a dark gold tan, its skin, coated in a hardened outer shell. Its fur, which was layered all over its body would glow a whitish violet light if it ate a specific plant. Its eyes were solid black, although, it is presumed the creature didn’t move only on sight alone. They stood roughly three to five feet, and weighed on average three hundred pounds. The species was part of the hermaphrodite class, so they were quite plentiful; however, they did have one defense mechanism. If provoked, the species could harden a select patch of fur on its back, and propel it towards a target. Thus, it was recommended by experienced hunters to kill the creature on the initial strike.

He silently reached for an arrow, grasping it firmly in his right fingers. He aimed for the neck, the creatures vital spot, which he was taught years ago. His bow, slowly drew the ribbon back, as he stood higher with every fleeting second. A large tear suddenly animated the area, as he stopped in his tracks. He looked down, only to find an arm sticking out his chest. Blood was splattering everywhere, the arm, effortlessly withdrawing from the middle of his chest. The pain wasn’t immediate; the shock had still not cleared his consciousness. He coughed, small amounts of blood escaping his lips as he felt two arms wrap around his shoulders. A voice originating from his right shoulder, “hi” he heard, a friendly girlish pure voice echoed throughout his ears. It sounded so innocent, like a child was speaking to him. He felt something weighing on his right shoulder, resting, which he presumed was a head. He attempted to speak, but was at a loss for words.

“shhhh” she inclined, slowly licking his right face. She began thrusting her fingers in his upper chest area, right below his neck line, only withdrawing to suck the blood. “Delicious,” she announced, helping, to support him up, as she continually felt the life leak from his body. Sorrowfully, tears began flowing from his cheeks, as more blood curled threw his throat and escaped from his mouth. He looked into her eyes—an expression of childlike bliss was on her face. “Beautiful!” she exclaimed, “yes! that’s the look…” as she smiled, hastily licking the tears that fell from his right eye. His strength was gradually fleeting from his body, and he was no longer able to stand upright, eventually, collapsing to the ground.

She held his head on her lap, smiling down upon him. “Ahhh, is that it?” she pouted, “how boring,” “You couldn’t go out with a more magnificent expression?” “Tssh” she cringed her teeth, glancing away for a second. “oh well...” shifting her glimpse back at him. She opened her mouth, exposing rows of sharp teeth, itching closer, and closer to him.

He didn’t understand a word that she was saying, looking on—his surroundings were far too blurred, darkness began setting in, until pure night engulfed his vision. Inexplicably, however, he could see again. She was feasting on him, his skin being torn away as she hungrily ate. Somehow, he remained conscious. He pondered, not able to feel reality itself, instead, a feeling of a dreamlike limbo consciousness. He watched on, she was tearing into his muscles and feasting upon his organs. Unexpectedly, however, she stopped. He couldn’t see her face, only the back of her body and his corpse that lay upon the ground. For some reason, she had stopped moving. She just awkwardly, disconcertingly—continued, to just sit there. A twitch of movement finally showed signs of life; he passionately watched on, bewildered on what she was doing. Her neck slowly twisted around, towards his direction—and to his dismay, there she sat, blood trickling down her face, staring directly at him.

Chapter 2: Title unknown
Chapter 3: Origins

Tsaeb XIII
December 24th, 2010, 03:20 AM
If you'd like, I can do a paragraph by paragraph edit on this later, but my intial comment would be please, for the love of all things good, please fix up the commas and dashes. Try reading this aloud, pausing wherever you've put a comma or dash. You'll find that a lot of the sentences just don't sound right because you're pausing where you wouldn't pause if you were speaking. Apart from that issue, at times it seems almost as if you're trying to hard with the descriptions. An example that comes to mind is in the first paragraph, where you speak of the "violet moon" and the "violet moonlight". The second "violet" is superfluous, because you've already told us that the moon is violet. In that case, you've rather literally used purple prose :P

There were one or two other minor errors floating around - absent possessive apostraphes, one or two shifts to present tense - but your main issues were those mentioned above. I feel like I want to be interested in the story, and the end definitely hooked me, but the mechanical errors made it hard. I almost stopped after the first paragraph because of the commas, but decided to push through 'cause I'm a sucker for fantasy. As I mentioned earlier, if you want a detailed analysis, I can do one later, but I think it'd probably be beneficial for you to try and at least solve the comma/dash issue yourself. If you tidy those issues up though, I'd look forward to reading more.

[Just as a side note, when posting things on the internet, it's generally more plesant to read if you use a sans serif font, rather than the serif font that you've used (TNR, I suspect). Not a deal breaker by any means, but large blocks of serif fonts on screens can get a bit hard on the eyes.]

December 24th, 2010, 03:58 AM
alright, thanks for the review. Yes, grammar has always been my weak point. I have always used too many comma's, it's a hard habit to break. I am not worried about the small minor errors that you mentioned, I believe a editor will be able to fix that. Although, feel free to point them out for learning purposes. I am mainly worried about the main problem that you mentioned, cause odviously, it effected the story.

Yes, feel free to post a paragraph edit--I wouldn't mind at all.

The one thing that I am confused about is when you say I go into too much description. I understand the analogy that you used, but that actually is a typo--a simply fix, by erasing the violet word. Can you post better examples of where you felt I went into too much detail? Like paragraph? For example, like when I went into detail about the Zaiken, was that too much?

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I made a few corrections, but I don't edit. I leave the original content for everyone to see fresh.

December 24th, 2010, 06:52 AM
Right at the top when you describe to us precisely how the monster looks, that's too much information. You're writing this more or less from the point of view of the boy, who, at that point in the chapter, is 500 meters (nearly a third of a mile) away from the creature. Wait until it gets closer to him to tell us what it looks like. It helps to build up suspense.

Also, point of style, when writing like this, you should probably use 'five hundred' instead of '500'. It looks a lot more professional that way.

I'll come back to this and give more thoughts later.

Olly Buckle
December 24th, 2010, 08:46 AM
The stars, shined brightlyPast of shine is shone.

A paralyzing fearful That makes it paralyse fearful, a paralysingly fearful

stripped in red and black patterns stripped/striped, or I suppose "in" could be "of"

It sniffed alongside the ground"Along" surely, unless there is a chasm it is sniffing.

He was a young hunter for the Econawa Tribe, whom raised himWho raised him

His features were quite unique,unique is an absolute, it can not be qualified.

The trees had particular leafs leaves

December 24th, 2010, 07:20 PM
ty for the feedback, I learned from my second attempt.