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srebak
December 24th, 2010, 02:35 AM
Though i was told not to post the whole manuscript, I want to make sure you get the whole story. The is a Holiday story I wrote years ago: Friends to the North and the South.

Chapter one
(Introduction)
(Swallow) Oh hello I am a penguin and dont question why Im at the beach, Im a Galapagos penguin call me Ishmael Isher or penguin-I as I like to be called, but what I want to say is, oh, oh wait a second (catches a fish with his cane and eats it) ah anyway I have tale of friendship and survival, but it has to be short I have get back to Olivia Isher or penguin-O, the wife, our story begins on ice cold continent of tundra, Antarctica, at that time there was whole rookery of emperor penguins, led by a penguin called Algarito Agama he is also known as penguin-A (because the a is the number one letter) he is married to a penguin named Belle Agama or penguin-B (cause she is number two) he is advised by Zanzibar Zecker or penguin-Z, anyway the heroes of our story are Gregory Grunts or penguin-G and Thomas Tinton or penguin-T two good pals
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I think life here is great penguin-T said penguin-G but was it? For beyond the rookery area was a slippery leopard seal named guestler, he was the meanest, the most viscous and the (if I might add) the ugliest leopard seal in the whole South Pole and the sad part is that his cousin leopy the leopard seal is the nicest seal Ive ever seen, he wouldnt hurt a fly, anyway penguin-G and penguin-T were also friends with penguins-c-f and h-s along with u-x, but little did they know that penguin-Z was planning something bad, he has always lived in penguin-As shadow, so he and his partner yehong yaddle or penguin-Y are planning to get rid of penguin-A and takeover the rookery (and by get rid of I mean make him stand down, not kill him, but they are in league with guestler)
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But I digress the adventure begins when penguin-G and penguin-T were playing a game of belly sledding down the hill, and when penguin-G made it down he over heard penguins-Y and Z talking well Then penguin-Y everything is going according to plan, penguin-A has given me the right as an ambassador to the neighboring rookery said penguin-Z, you see there was another rookery of emperor penguins, led by a large penguin named commander bull cutter, for you see penguin-Z was planning to tell commander bull cutter that penguin-A was planning an onslaught on his rookery, so then commander bull cutter would strike first, then once penguin-A is out of the way and the whole rookery is captured, penguin-Z would call guestler to attack the rookery and eat only commander bull cutter so then he would become the leader of the rookery, then attack other rookeries, so then he, penguin-Z WILL RULE ALL! So after hearing this penguin-G got closer, to hear more of what penguin-Z and penguin-Y were up to
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Chapter two
(A big, big problem)
So penguin-g got closer to hear more of penguin-z evil plan o.k. then penguin-y, heres the plan, once I have told that idiot commander bull cutter about the invasion, you tell penguin-a and penguin-b to lower the rookerys defenses explained penguin-z (by defenses, he means the guard penguins)
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then once the defenses are down, commander bull cutter will lead his army to attack, once the whole rookery is captured, I will advise commander bull cutter to send penguin-a into exile, then you signal guestler to attack and eat commander bull cutter, so with those two out of the way, you and I will takeover this continent and become supreme rulers of this tundra explained penguin-z
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After hearing this penguin-g went to tell penguin-a and penguin-b, when he tripped on a rock and landed on ice, causing a shattering noise, that attracted the two baddies, penguin-g found himself trapped well, well, well penguin-y I believe we got ourselves a spy said penguin-z I say we toss him in the sea and watch the leopard seals rip him apart suggested penguin-y when a large ice block bowled the two bad eggs down, it was penguin-t to the rescue! Come with me if you want to live! said penguin-t as they ran away
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But the two penguins chased after them as they ran up to the cliff, where they found themselves at the edge of a cliff, but penguin-z had more henchmen then penguin-y, a curtain number of the rookery guard (who go my numbers instead of letters) penguins-45-51, that grabbed them and dangled them over the cliff now then, we cant have you two telling penguin-a about our little plan, now can we? said penguin-z no we cant said penguin-y well as for this problem, well just have to let guestler handle this little problem said penguin-z ringing a bell to call that bad seal
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Chapter three
(Washed away)
All of a sudden, the large seal guestler, swam like a torpedo from the water and up to the surface o.k. penguin-z, what do you want now? asked guestler well what I want now guestler is a win, win thing replied penguin-z oh, how so? asked guestler well we get rid these two pesky penguins and you get a two for one bird meal explained penguin-z while our heroes dangle
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(Licking his lips) well this assignment I like (licking his lips) ummmm, umm said guestler good, now as for you two, bye, bye say hi to the fish, or is it fishes? asked penguin-z fish, fishes both words mean the plural of the word fish replied penguin-y PENGUIN-1, DINNER IS READY! Coming dear sorry about the interruption/that was just the missies, its dinner time, come on I tell the story from in there
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Now then where were? Ishmael isher, who the Sam hill are you talking to? Oh why our friends dear I dont see anyone oh nobody is really here, darling were just on TV and Im hosting a story for the children here Ishmael icabod isher, how could you do this show without telling me, Im not wearing any makeup! Will you just let me tell the story for Petes sake sorry about that, now where were we? Oh now I remember, the evil penguin-z was about to feed our heroes, penguin-g and penguin-t to the evil leopard seal guestler, to keep them from telling penguin-a of their evil plan for rookery domination
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Our heroes were then dropped into the water so guestler could have a meal; fortunately penguin and penguin-t were fast enough to avoid guestlers strikes, but guestler had done what he was supposed to, he had driven them away from the rookery, even if they did manage to lose guestler in the fog, they found trouble once they were on a straying iceberg from continent well even though guestler didnt get his meal, hell get one soon enough, once the plan is complete, never again will I come from a long line of advisors, now Ill be the first of a line of kings said penguin-z as our heroes were sailing an iceberg to the north and warmer waters, where they will have an amazing adventure, in the far north
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Chapter four
(All a shore, thats going a shore)
(Um, um, umm) oh sorry I was eating my favorite dish, west pacific clams theyre great you should try them (um, um, um) now where were we, oh yeah now,-over the depths and through the snow, penguin-g and penguin-t were swept away from their home faraway to the far north, far away to warmer waters, to a place the humans like to call New York, or the big city as some call it
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Well actually the shore of New York, they manage to get on the beach and dry land, now normally a penguin from the far south cant really survive in warm weather (well it actually takes 6 months) but fortunately, it was the winter of December 23 2004, making it more easy to move around, the only thing that they had to worry about was being seen which was pretty hard, a pair of penguins cant just walk down the street, Im pretty sure even in new york people would notice that
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Naturally, the whole city was preparing (except the Jewish and African Americans) for Christmas Ishmael, why are you telling a Christmas story? Its july! Havent you ever heard of christmas in july? But shouldnt you tell a story about the fourth of July that was 6 days ago dear yeah well how do you know this story? Were you there or something? No I made this story up, I know for a fact that kids get more enjoyment from hearing fiction stories, then real ones
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now as I was saying, our heroes were sneaking around trying not to be seen, when a rather large schipperke shows up, our heroes believe themselves to be doomed when the dog talks (and turns out to be a female) wow, penguins what are you doing here you guys? asked the dog
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Chapter five
(Live and let live)
Well, you see we were chased of our continent and out of our waters, we spent three days on an iceberg, soon we landed here in this, city explained penguin-g (they know about cities from the explorers from the expedition to the south pole, who talked about the city while they were there) wow thats both astounding and amazing, oh and by the way, my name is princess whats yours said princess
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Oh nice name, my name is Gregory grunts but you can call me penguin-g said penguin-g and mine is Thomas tinton, but you can call me penguin-t said penguin-t wow nice names replied princess
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Meanwhile, back in antartica, after seeing what penguin-z did to them penguins-c & d wanted stop his evil plot, so they called their good friend, Milo the killer whale (yes you heard me a killer whale) to help them keep penguin-z from reaching the other rookery and starting the war between the two rookeries
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Meanwhile in the city, princess was trying to keep our heroes from being spotted by any of rushing people (with the whole holiday rush and all) but soon they started to get a bit puckish and came to an alley for a bite to eat, little did they know that they had crossed into an alley that wasnt free territory, but the territory of a trio of vicious city strays (a Doberman and a germen Shepard to be pr6cised
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Chapter six
(Bad dog)
So our heroes find themselves trapped by three nasty dogs (oh yeah I forgot about the pit bull of the three) anyway our heroes are cornered by these dogs, fortunately princess came to their defense and so the fight was on, they appeared to be equally matched, all of them, no one was winning but soon princess pushed the Doberman into a electric box and the dog got shocked (and lived) but then just ran away, as did the other dogs, afraid of also getting hurt
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Meanwhile, back in antartica, when penguin-z was crossing an ice bridge, when Milo then rammed the bridge, causing an earthquake on the bridge and making penguin-z to fall into the snow, once out, penguin-c and d hit him with snowballs, unseen, when eight sickles fell down and trapping penguin-z in it, when a small sickles fell on his head, knocking him out cold
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Meanwhile in the city, our heroes had just eaten dinner out of the garbage can, on the side of the sea food restaurant and just walked away, princess wanted to introduce them to her husband, a Labrador retriever and her friends, a rat named nibbles, a mouse named Tracy and a germen Shepard pup named Gabriel
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Wow, I cant wait to meet them princess said penguin-g me neither said penguin-t oh dont worry, well be back to my place in no time ooh said princess whats wrong princess? asked penguin-g your nephew just kicked me replied princess, who turned out to be pregnant
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Chapter seven
(Its a boy)
Meanwhile, back in antartica after penguin-z got out of the ice cage he continued his way to the other rookery, but penguin-c was watching him getting close to a frozen lake, penguin-c then signals penguin-d to use a rock to crack a spot on the ice, thus causing it to break and penguin-z to fall in and also getting temporary frozen in the ice, this gives our temporary heroes the idea to get to the other rookery first and make peace instead of war, before penguin-z makes trouble
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Meanwhile in the city, princess had lead them to a hotel, but not in the hotel, but we were going under it to a hole near the boiler (making it more warmer during the winter and near the air conditioner to keep cool during the summer) and when they got there, they found that princesss friends and husband were already there, along with another friend of princess, a friendly cat named Ethan
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Meanwhile back in antartica, when penguin-c and d were running across an ice bridge, until a large rock hit a part of the bridge, separating it, fortunately they were on the side to get to the other rookery when penguin-z appeared well, well, well Ive noticed you two have been following me, so do me a favor and say hi to the ice for me, when you hit it said penguin-z when he cracked the ice causing the bridge to fall, fortunately they landed in a pile of soft snow
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Meanwhile in the city, our heroes were introduced to princesss friends and husband, when all of a sudden princess collapsed, so penguin-g tried to help, so he helped her the only way he knew how, (delivering the puppies) penguin-g _delivered each and every puppy, so now princess and her husband were now a whole family
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Chapter eight
(A dog for Christmas)
Meanwhile back in antartica, while penguin-z was walking towards the other rookery, he noticed a large snowball was heading right towards him, he managed to get out the way, when a larger snowball bowled him down, when the other snowball came rolling back for some reason and hit him again, it was penguin-c and d so they could get ahead of him
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Meanwhile in the city, princess and her husband were proud of their new found quadruplets, but penguin-t new that these puppies need more then love from their parents, they need some from humans so they agreed that they need to find a human family for the puppies sake
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Meanwhile, back in antartica, penguin-c & d are walking towards the other rookerys territory, when they fall into a hole, penguin-z dug it so he could get ahead, when he crosses another ice bridge, where milo rammed it bringing penguin-z to the water, so penguin-c and d could get ahead, but back at the rookery penguin-y was trying to lower the defenses, but penguin-e and f kept stopping him
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Meanwhile in the city they slept for the rest of the day and went looking for a home on christmas eve, at first they found nothing, but they found a lonely kid, that was really sad, they brought the dogs, cat and rodents to him, his mother let them stay as pets, it was a happy time for them and so our heroes start back on their way back to that frozen tundra they call home
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Chapter nine
(Ho, ho, ho)
Meanwhile back in antartica, penguin-c and d had reached the other rookery, with penguin-z in ice chains so you see commander bull cutter, our rookery mean you no harm, we jus want peace explained penguin-d yes peace is the answer, we accept your treaty agreed comm. Bull cutter as they made their way back to the rookery, dragging penguin-z still in chains across the ice
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Meanwhile, back in the city, our heroes had found no way to return home, later that night they rested in an alley for the night, later that night they heard jingling bells and in the words of another story teller, out of the sky, there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their beds to see what was the matter alright mister man, this is getting stupid will you just be quiet and let me do this
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sorry about that, now then as I was saying, our heroes climbed up an orchard ladder to find a sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer (well actually, eight large reindeer) with a bag of toys in it, they saw a big fat guy going down the chimney, with a sack with him, they looked in the sacks, to find that they were all filled with toys, thus figuring out that it was santa claus, yes saint Nicholas himself
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They followed him down the chimney; they saw the Christmas tree, with presents right under it and all its beauty, with the red and green lights, the silver and gold tensile, ornaments, the christmas angel ornaments and the beautiful christmas star on the very top of the tree, they also found christmas stockings full of goodies along with an empty plate and glass, they wondered what was going on, when out of nowhere a shadow appeared and turned out to be santa claus himself with his bag
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Chapter ten
(Home sweet home)
Meanwhile, back in antartica, the treaty between the two rookeries was signed, as for penguin-z and y were sentence to 84 hours of hard labor for an act of treason and attempt at usurpation of the throne, as for guestler, penguin-c asked milo to get his brother shamu, his friend sharky a great white shark and some other killer whales to teach guestler a lesson about what happens to bad guys when theyre caught (if you catch my drift) no I dont theyre going to beat him up oh, you know you could have just said so I was trying to be clever, if you dont mind sorry
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Meanwhile in the city, our heroes are afraid that Santa Claus would bring harm to them hey, hey, hey Im not going to hurt you said santa picking up penguin-g and petting penguin-t Hmm Ive got to get you two back home, I guess I could take a quick pit stop to the South Pole said santa
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No wait going there isnt a pit stop, theyre some presents for some penguins there, but first I have to deliver twelve more gifts before that he continued very well then mr. um who ever you are, well help you proclaimed penguin-t oh, well o.k. said santa surprised as they all crawled up the chimney
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So to help and find out why theyre doing this and so they delivered every gift, also on the way, santa explained the meaning of Christmas, down to the lowest detail (they never asked what Christmas is, with the fear of the risk of looking stupid) santa then returned our heroes back to their homes, safe and sound, their friends were very happy to see them safe, It was night time, penguin-a said theres going to be a big shindig tomorrow dedicated to them for their journey and courage
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The next morning, our heroes found presents on their beds, penguin-g got a santa hat for swimming; penguin-t got a toboggan for belly sledding (he already has a hat for swimming and penguin-g already has a toboggan) penguin-c got a singing fish trophy, penguin-d got a battleship game, penguin-a got a new crown, penguin-b got some makeup, milo got a life supply of fish, nibbles got some cheese, as did tracy, Gabriel got some dog biscuits, princess, her husband and the puppies got some bones and as for penguin-z, penguin-y and guestler a lump of coal, our heroes were rewarded for their heroic acts and courageous deeds and that my friends is the story of the holidays, survival and most of all the gift of friendship, thank you
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THE END

Grammer aside, how's the overall story

josh.townley
January 4th, 2012, 05:22 AM
I know you have aspirations to become a published author some day, so I'm going to be blunt. I think you have some interesting ideas here, and clearly a good imagination, but your grammar and composition really let you down.
It sounds like you are just making it up as you go, without any prior plan, and as a result the story is all over the place and very hard to follow. By the end of the third chapter I had completely lost what was going on and had to give up on the story.

If you want to be taken seriously by an agent or publisher you really need to work on your grammar. My first and biggest criticism is that there don't seem to be any full-stops in the whole thing. This would be absolutely unforgivable to an agent, so I really think you should make it a priority to learn some basic grammar. Here's a link to an excellent (and fairly short) book that will give you a good foundation: http://www.cs.vu.nl/~jms/doc/elos.pdf
I printed out a copy that I keep on my desk, and often look over it to brush up on the rules.

I also suggest planning your stories out carefully before you start writing so you don't end up tying yourself in a knot. I like to start with a basic out line and then refine it in greater and greater detail each time. i.e. Start with an overall plan for the story, then break that down into a more detailed plan for each chapter, then break each chapter down into specific scenes with the goals and movements of the characters. It makes the writing part a lot easier.

If you want it badly enough, there is no reason why you can't become a published author. Just remember that it takes a heck of a lot of work and practice to get there. Good luck!