Young Adult Short Story

[Johnathanrs]

(Would like a review of this short story I wrote for the neighboring .org site. I know I suck, but would like to know what problems I have, so I can work on them. In addition, what level do you think I am writing at? I am planning on writing a novel, but need to get a good foothold on the basics. My weak point is by far grammar and sentence structure.)

Title:The Phantom From Within/Short Story
Genre: Young Adult/Horror/Suspense/Mystery

Here in the town of Oakley, a small and secluded town, lies the basic definition of boring. The town is boring, the people are boring, the school is boring, and of course, Blake is boring. Blake, a sixteen year old high school student who attends West Hill High. His routine was very standard; go to school, go to football practice, come home, and sleep. Peaceful days; a normal and balanced high school life is what everyone wants. However, something was amiss. Blake had this problem--whenever he would sleep, he would have this reoccurring dream.

“Help me.” a shadowy figure of a girl is seen in the distance.
“Who are you?” Blake replies,
“please......help me,” the figure repeats.

There was nothing but a few trees that stood there, they did not move, they did not sway; everything was silent, too silent.
Blake examined the girl, who was standing around fifty feet away. She had on a long white dress of some sorts; he couldn’t make out her face due to the darkness that engulfed it. The ground was soaked in a deep fog, yet even without a cloud in the sky, and the moon shining brightly, why....why, was darkness hiding her face?

“Who are you?” he asks again.

He knew something was wrong, but for some reason, he couldn’t do anything, as if frozen in place, his heartbeat was the only noise that he could hear, thump...thump, as it gradually grew faster, every hair on his body stood up, as if warning him, trying to tell him to run, run as fast as he could.

A sinister laugh slowly broke his daze, as he looked up, breaking his mental image of his heart. His expression abruptly changed, the laugh was originating from the girl. He began focusing on the shadowy girl figure, as everything, like magic came into focus.

"huuu" a quick gasp of air, as his chin dropped slightly. He could finally see the girls face, he started panting, his disbelief growing larger every second. The little girl had blood all over her face, and her eyes, they where dark circles, as cold as the moon itself, no expression, no life. She had long brown hair, and stood not even five feet tall.

Blake took a step back, current suspended in an incredulity state.
“What do you need help with?” he whimpers, as her face begins transforming, her eyes turning a dark red sapphire, as the blood on her face magically disappears. She smiles sinisterly.
“...You can’t escape.”

"huuu" as Blakes sits up, panting heavily, his environment coming into focus. He was lying in his bed; it was nothing but a dream. He let out a sigh of relief, running his fingers threw his hair as he laid back down. He began staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep, as he tried to calm his rapidly beating heartbeat.
“Why do I keep having that dream?” glancing over at the clock. It was 2:33am, “happy birthday” he whispered; he was now 17 years old.

Later in the day Blake went to school, as normal, luckily it was a Friday. Mr. Tashin, one of his teachers gave him a pop quiz in 3rd period, and lunch was especially bad.

“Wow”, proclaimed Katie on the bus ride home, whom was sitting to his left.
“Happy Birthday, I am looking forward to the party tonight.”
“Thanks,” Blake replied as he stared outside the window
“It’s cool that your birthday is today, they are having a festival at grand national park, there’s going to be fireworks, you’re so lucky!” Katie smiled, as she looked away.

Blake glances over. She was wearing a pair of blue jeans with a regular t-shirt. She was of British descent, and was quite slim and well developed, her hair, being a light darkish brown, with hazelnut brown eyes. Blake and Katie knew each other sense middle school, seeing how they lived close to each other. Although, it was weird that she was riding the bus home today, she was part of the swimming team, and usually stayed over at the gym.

“Are the others coming too?” Blake asked.
Katie turned towards Blake, “Oh you mean Rica and Ashley?” Blake nodded. “Yeah their coming, just about everyone is.”
“Oh, I see, cool” not being able to focus, his mind wandering on the scenery outside.

After the bus ride, he immediately headed towards his room, deciding a change of clothes was in order.

Time flew, as he finished getting ready. He was wearing a pair of long jean shorts, with a black shirt and plain black baseball cap. Taking a final look in the mirror, he headed out the door.

“Mom, I’m going to bike over there, I’ll see you there.”
“Okay dear, meet us at the regular spot at 6 pm”
“Alright,” as Blake left his house closing the door behind him. He hopped on his bike, and began peddling towards the park, gazing up towards the sky. It was a bright and sunny day, and not a rain cloud was in sight. The wind felt nice as he peddled onto the street. The road was rather wide, and traffic was limited on this particular route. In the distance, rural houses could be seen, on the right, a plain grassy field with a few particular trees that seemed out of place. On the left, a neighborhood of victoria and duplex houses. A sign slowly crept up, as he continued his basic pace, the sign was quite withered, paint chips and cracks seemed to embody it, the words "3rd Halsberg Cove" was barely recognizable. Making a right turn at the sign, he quickly slammed on the breaks. He was panting for some reason, but wasn’t sure why. This was a routine trip, it was only two miles, and he was in good shape. For some strange reason, he was mentally disturbed, as if something was magically draining his energy. Looking down at his hands, they were shaking.

He slowly inhaled as he closed his eyes, exhaling as he re-opened them. He took his hat off, running his hand threw his hair. His eyes slowly drifting upwards; as he placed his hat back on, letting out a large sigh of relief as he managed to catch his breath. "how weird" he thought, as he continued peddling towards the park. In the distance, a familiar area was approaching. It was a basic grassy hillside that sloped downwards in a forty-five degree angle. At the bottom, a river bank was seen, forty feet wide, although unknown on the waters depth. He quickly detoured off the main road, as he peddled closer to the spot, coming to a halt upon arrival. He hopped off his bike, and sprawled on top of the grass. The grass felt comfortable, as he laid down starring up at the sky while achieving a full body stretch. He enjoyed watching the clouds slowly drift by as he tried to form some mental image of each shape. At times he would glance at his watch, until 5:45 came around. Time moved forward as he yawned glancing at his watch for the 10th time; it read 5:44 pm, jumping up to his feet, he hopped back on his bike, and began heading towards the park once more.

Finally arriving, he saw his group all awaiting his arrival in the distance, his mother, Heather, waving to him. Blake quickly locked up his bike at a nearby bike rack, as he shoved his hands in his pockets, while he walked quickly towards them.

“Here he comes, now everybody” Heather yelled, “Happy Birthday” the group said out loud as everyone clapped, random shouts of joy heard throughout the crowd of people.

Suddenly, Blake stopped right in front of the group, as his eyes widened, looking across the nearby street; his chin, slowly dropped, as he made a small squealing sound. “It can’t be” he whispers, as he looks over to see a little girl wearing a dress. Heather, curious by her son’s expression, followed his glance “Oh, Clare, come over here” she yells.

The little girl begins walking over, as his heartbeat continues to rise rapidly with every step. “Blake...Blake.......BLAKE” Heather exclaims, as he manages to break his daze from the approaching girl. “What’s the matter?” she asks, as his eyes continued to dash from her to the approaching girl.

She pauses, “Are you feeling alright dear?”

He slowly turns to the little girl in a scared state.
“Hello brother, happy birthday,” as she smiles leaping forward and hugging him. She whispers into his ear, “I told you last night,...you can’t escape” slightly chuckling “Enjoy the celebration, dear brother” as she secretly licks his ear.

Heather smiles, "Ah, how cute, such a loving sister."

Blake slowly turns to face his mother, while embracing the little girl, a look of pure dread on his face,

“what are you talking about.......I don’t have a little sister.”

The town of Oakley is quite boring, school was boring, the people are boring, even Blake was boring, well...at least until she showed up.

[Kordain]

i liked it. it takes something right to pull me in and read the whole thing. this story didn't drag me along but pulled me in.

a couple things i want to know from reading the story that could be told, of course it is up to you, in the story.

it might be nice to tell us the time of year of course this is not necessary but would be nice to know the generals. i know its warm enough for a t-shirt but what day is it?
give us a little bit about why she appears not just 'you can't escape' but a motive, just a wee bit.
mainly just the setting i could hear more about but i would get other's opinions before you start changing stuff.

what i don't want in it, once again it is up to you.

i don't care much about what he's wearing unless its important. like what the girl is wearing, and what he is wearing in the dream should be included.

Mr. Tashin, one of his teachers gave him a pop quiz in 3rd period, and lunch was especially bad. you can get rid of this if its not important.

stuff i think could be changed.

more dialogue. make sure to speak it to yourself out loud this helps make it sound less awkward (yours wasn't awkward just for future reference.)
lengthen the dialogue with his friends at school, have them say what they would say. it seems that it is far to brief, what i mean by that is that each line is one or two words, have them say more unless they are not important.

stuff i liked and think you should keep.

she licked his ear...that was creepy and very effective.
the dream at the beginning, it really drew me in, without that i probably would have not finished and never replied.

good stuff i want more. i can't do the grammar thing so don't ask. i probably used some bad grammar replying to you, if anyone want to point it out it would help both of us.
good read, as you were.

[shadows]

Hi Jonathan

I enjoyed the story and as a reader I would be curious to read on to see how the mother explains they mystery appearance of his unknown sister and why she came into his dreams.

I'll just highlight a few things that caught my eye but it is your story and just my perspective. Others may differ.

Your tenses waver somewhat. Your first paragraph starts in the present and shifts to the past. The same with the dream.


Here in the town of Oakley, a small and secluded town, lies the basic definition of boring. The town is boring, the people are boring, the school is boring, and of course, Blake is boring. Blake, a sixteen year old high school student who attends West Hill High. His routine was very standard; go to school, go to football practice, come home, and sleep. Peaceful days; a normal and balanced high school life is what everyone wants. However, something was amiss. Blake had this problem--whenever he would sleep, he would have this reoccurring dream

the wording in places is awkward and could be trimmed down. For example -

The small, secluded town of Oakley was boring. (here you could show how it is boring) Blake, a sixteen year old student at West Hill High was equally as boring He had a standard routine: go to school, go to football practice, come home and sleep. He would have been content except for one problem - whenever he slept, he had a recurring dream


You use was a lot especially in the passive verb use. It's a tendency I have as well, which someone pointed out to me eg. was originating instead of originated, was standing instead of stood.


There was nothing but a few trees that stood there, they did not move, they did not sway; everything was silent, too silent.

This sentence could be tightened -

Only a few trees stood there, unmoving. Everything was silent; too silent.


as he continued peddling towards the park. In the distance, a familiar area was approaching.

He lives there so the whole place would be familiar. You don't need to tell the reader that it was.

Good luck with this, thanks for the read.

[Johnathanrs]

Thank you for the feedback you two.

To be blunt, I only took about 15 minutes to write this, but spent a hour so so re-reading it multiple times--simply because of as you pointed out, errors, exc.

I defintely agree with your point about tenses, why I commented on my grammar. I really have a problem knowing when to use past tense vs present tense. I spent quite a while re-reading and trying to fix this problem. I also felt I was labeling the character too much, as in "he" exc. However, I read a basic fantasy book, that did a narritive in the second person, and noticed they did this quite often, so I guess it isn't that big of a deal? When I usually read a book, I take the time to simply enjoy the story--in this case, I actually tried to analyze the writing style.

As for the story, I really didn't go in detail for some parts on purpose. I know I have quite a few problems that I need to fix before I can think about writing a novel. I am going to write multiple short stories until I feel I have fixed these problems.

Feel free to point out some recommondations on how to improve this;in addition, to anything else that is wrong with my current writing style. I wrote this simply to get opinions on my problem areas.


A note: I purposely go into detail for some parts, because I like to try to paint a image on every little thing. In regards towards your comments.

+Oh also, I'm not really worried about the story content atm, (when it comes to ideas and stories, my imagination is limitless) i'm simply trying to learn how to correctly paint the story to the reader.

[Pain]

Its definitely a good start to a book. Lots of things, as a reader, I want to find the answers to. I don't think you need to expand or explain much more here, if anything you can cut some stuff out. The idea of the start of the story is to make someone want to read the rest of it. You could make the piece tighter, though. Look at the opening sentence -


Here in the town of Oakley, a small and secluded town, lies the basic definition of boring.

We meet the town of Oakley, read that is small and secluded, and then learn that it's boring. Instead you could write -


The definition of boring - the small and secluded town of OakleyEveryone has heard "It's picture is in the dictionary next to [insert item]," so the reader will not need lots of boring detail. They can simply take it on faith, assuming you can maintain it. Their faith, not necessarily the boredom.

One thing I noticed (also because I do too much of it myself) is comma splicing - linking what should be separate sentences into one long monster with commas. Consider -


He knew something was wrong, but for some reason, he couldn’t do anything, as if frozen in place, his heartbeat was the only noise that he could hear, thump...thump, as it gradually grew faster, every hair on his body stood up, as if warning him, trying to tell him to run, run as fast as he could.

Now -


He knew something was wrong, but for some reason he couldn't do anything. Frozen in place, his heartbeat was the only noise he could hear. It gradually grew faster, every hair on his body standing up. It was a warning, telling him to run, run as fast as he couldThe 'gradually' could probably go too, but I was trying to keep as close to the original sentence as I could, and I tend to cut a lot when I edit. (<--- Look, I did it again)

[Sync]

Hello

you start your story off saying 'I know I suck'. that almost stopped me for reading. Then you say you spent 15 min writing, but want help in fixing.

I think you should go over this again. Fix those tenses, because no matter how good a story is, if you don't fix them, it just won't make it. The shifts jar too many readers. Grammar could be fixed, your lil red indicator is a handy tool but should not be solely relied on. Even so, others should have been caught prior to posting.

You mentioned 2nd pov. I've wrote in that tense, it is not easy, and though it allows a bit more passive voice, it still has a boundary, like any story.

This doesn't feel complete, maybe its because I spent so much time reading about the setting.

Still, there is a story here. It needs work by you, spend a bit more time, because each piece you post is a reflection of you as a writer, and when you rush things, you leave a bad impression.

I am not trying to be mean, you asked for suggestions and help, and these are mine.

thank you for the read,

Sync

[Johnathanrs]

Sync: First, I do suck, obviously, I am free to my own opinion, as for what my comments are—it really has nothing to do with you. If you would like to make a comment, then make a comment on the literature. Second, no, I did not say I want help fixing, I said I would like to know what level of writing I am at; in addition, to pointing out problems with my writing technique so I could fix them. I have already fixed this piece; in fact, I did it the day after I posted it and re-read the next morning. But, I believe in the concept of letting the original piece stand, so everyone can equally learn from the mistakes. This is the first story I have ever written, so naturally, it will not be any good.


To answer your question, I did not write this to gain recognition—I wrote this for a learning experience. If I was attempting in any way to have a piece represent me, as an author, I guarantee you—it would not end up on an internet forum site. Some of your comments also don’t make sense, ‘the shifts jar too many readers?’
Finally, you didn’t comment on anything, you just came into the post with hostility with no purpose. “There is a story here” well obviously there is a story here. “Spend a bit more time” this is quite vague. “This doesn’t feel complete” what doesn’t feel complete?


You probably should do self-reflection before you go attempting to scrutinize me on my character. Also, I do not mind if you are rude, as long as you are honest, but your post was simply pointless and I do not like when someone trolls. You obviously were aware of this, with the comment, “I am not trying to be mean” You wouldn't of made this comment, unless you were aware of the tone and character you were typing in.


On a final note, yes, I am being hostile, on your provocations, perhaps you should learn to type in a more passive manner. If you are going to be rude, do it towards my writing, not my character or reasoning. That does bother me, but I am not so childish to where I would really care. Overall, thank you for taking the time to read the story, next time, please comment on the piece, or simply don't comment like most people do--but do not bash me, my intentions were noble.


Pain: Thank you, everything you posted I agree with.

[Sync]

Hello Johnathanns,

Of course you can take comments any way you wish, they are indeed opinions to be given freely.

Best luck with your writing

Sync

[Tsaeb XIII]

Firstly, I'll give my opinion of the piece. I personally found it rather difficult to get into; the comma splices and tense shifts broke the flow far too often. Read your sentences to yourself, and if you can replace a comma with a full stop or semi-colon, please do. Also, pick present or past tense and stick with it - I don't mind writing in either, but when you alternate between them, it ruins the experience for the reader. The concept as a whole had me intrigued, but as I said, I just couldn't get into it the way I would have liked because of the technical issues.

Secondly, just some tips regarding dealing with people that review your work to make your time on the forums run a bit more smoothly. Please don't take offence to anything I write here; I'm merely commenting based on past observation, and trying to help you avoid potential issues in the future.

Sync: First, I do suck, obviously, I am free to my own opinion, as for what my comments are—it really has nothing to do with you. If you would like to make a comment, then make a comment on the literature. Second, no, I did not say I want help fixing, I said I would like to know what level of writing I am at; in addition, to pointing out problems with my writing technique so I could fix them. I have already fixed this piece; in fact, I did it the day after I posted it and re-read the next morning. But, I believe in the concept of letting the original piece stand, so everyone can equally learn from the mistakes. This is the first story I have ever written, so naturally, it will not be any good.
One of the first "rules" you'll see mentioned in the various guides on how to encourage people to critique your work is not to say that your work is going to be bad (I particularly like this one - http://www.writingforums.com/writing-101/51922-art-thread-title-how-get-critiques.html - which says that it's about titles, but contains a fair few useful notes to use in your posts as well) . If you know that particular areas cause you difficulty, feel free to point it out the way you did with punctuation and grammar. You could even have just said it was your first story, and that your aim was to improve - most readers are intelligent enough to not expect a first story to be a masterpiece. Don't tell us that you're a bad writer though , 'cause otherwise me might believe it, and move onto someone else. Also, if you've given this an edit, why not repost it in this thread, so that we can compare the two, and see the improvement? I understand wanting to keep the original posted, but I'd certainly like to read a more polished version of this.

To answer your question, I did not write this to gain recognition—I wrote this for a learning experience. If I was attempting in any way to have a piece represent me, as an author, I guarantee you—it would not end up on an internet forum site. Some of your comments also don’t make sense, ‘the shifts jar too many readers?’
Finally, you didn’t comment on anything, you just came into the post with hostility with no purpose. “There is a story here” well obviously there is a story here. “Spend a bit more time” this is quite vague. “This doesn’t feel complete” what doesn’t feel complete?
"The shifts jar too many readers" was a comment very similar to my own - jumping back and forth between present and past tense is going to jar a lot of readers. A comment such as "spend a bit more time" usually means go into more depth about whatever the topic is; it isn't vague, it's just the reviewer saying "I know this section needs more depth, but I'm not going to tell you/ I'm not sure myself exactly how to do it". "This doesn't feel complete" generally refers to the story as a whole - perhaps the reader felt that it needed to go further, or explore more intermediate events; they just didn't feel that the piece could standalone as a story. And when someone says "there's definitely a story here", yes it's a bit captain obvious, but if you spend most of your post criticising grammatical issues, sometimes it's nice to emphasise that there is a decent enough story there in the background, but the structual errors let the piece down. That's certainly the case in this story; I can feel that the story is there, I just can't enjoy reading it because of the structual flaws. Also, the comment the reviewer made wasn't that each piece is meant to fundementally represent you, but it does reflect on your approach to writing - a polished story will generally leave readers wanting to come back and read more of your work.

You probably should do self-reflection before you go attempting to scrutinize me on my character. Also, I do not mind if you are rude, as long as you are honest, but your post was simply pointless and I do not like when someone trolls. You obviously were aware of this, with the comment, “I am not trying to be mean” You wouldn't of made this comment, unless you were aware of the tone and character you were typing in.

On a final note, yes, I am being hostile, on your provocations, perhaps you should learn to type in a more passive manner. If you are going to be rude, do it towards my writing, not my character or reasoning. That does bother me, but I am not so childish to where I would really care. Overall, thank you for taking the time to read the story, next time, please comment on the piece, or simply don't comment like most people do--but do not bash me, my intentions were noble.
Text based communication is inherently flawed, in that two people can write two identical sentences and have them mean completely different things, yet the difference may only have been clear if they'd actually spoken them. Compounding this is the fact that two readers can read the exact same thing, and take different meanings. When I read Sync's comment, I took from it a few pieces of advice about how to encourage people to critique your work in the future, as well as some basic comments about the quality of the piece. They may not have been quoted examples, but they definitely referred to your work, not your personality. You, for one reason or another, interpreted it with hostility. Perhaps Sync was aware of this risk, hence the comment "I am not trying to be mean". People shouldn't have to try and write in a way that is unambiguously nice, because in the process, you lose a lot of the ability to point out problems - what one person takes as a correction, another could take as an asssault against their personality. However, readers on forums should generally give people the benefit of the doubt at first; if something could be taken two ways, assume it was the nicer of the two, at least until they say something blatantly offensive.

Normally, I don't go around responding to people's replies in a review thread. That said, I feel as though due to a misunderstanding, you may be ignoring some valuable comments on your work. Of course, this post could end up being a perfect example of things being interpreted in a completely different way to that intended by the author; someone might read this and think that I'm attacking you for defending yourself against Sync, and that I'm just as antagonistic as him. I can gurantee you (or anyone reading this) that if that's how this has been interpreted, it isn't how it was intended, and that once again people need to be given a chance before the assumption is made that they're launching a personal attack. Anyway, I hope that at least some of this post has been helpful for you, and all the best for the remainder of your time on the forums.

[Johnathanrs]

Tsaeb: Well, it is thoughtful of you to take the time and go into that much detail regarding a interpretation. I am not sure where you are getting this, “Not to say your work is going to be bad,” I was replying to Sync and his comments. I made the comment, “I know I suck” which is quite vague and can be interrupted many ways. What I actually was implying was I felt my level of writing isn’t as good as others—that is all. (This is referring to many factors, as I quoted, “my weakest area’s are grammar and sentence structure”) I never actually stated that the piece was bad, although, I guess I can look on the positive side here—I was able to state something so vague, and you interrupted it as something totally different, then what I, the original author whom stated it, was implying. This is actually a good skill to have as a writer. The basic ability of stating something and having readers interrupt it in their own way. Next time, I will have to be a little bit more precise, for the people who read into it as much as you do. I was contacted by the moderator who changed my title, and told me stating “Please” in the original heading was against the rule and directed me towards that. This is the actual crime I am guilty of.

To answer your second question, because I didn’t really think anyone really cared enough to go that far. As I quoted earlier, I spent 15 minutes writing this—my intention of saying that was the sole purpose of letting everyone know that I rushed this and as I stated in a post, it was simply to gauge myself. If someone cares so much about reading the story, I can continue—if you wish.

My own opinion on your analytical skills, you are interrupting things a little more than am I. I believe you are also manipulating the reasoning to match your own—very common among intellectual people. They tend to decipher and reason, breaking it down, until the logic matches their own; however,

“A comment such as "spend a bit more time" usually means go into more depth about whatever the topic is”

This is an example of this; you are basically making an assumption, which you are aware of yourself. “Usually means”. I actually believe you are bending such a vague comment and matching it to fit your own logic, but I have to disagree with your actual point. My reasoning is simple; the rest of the comments were geared towards animosity towards when I stated I rushed and wrote this. My own interpretations of this, “slow down, and concentrate on what you are writing.”

There is a clear difference in your post vs Sync’s original post. I believe it is quite apparent, to me at least. Obviously, your noble virtue characteristics felt wrong doing was about, so you took the time to write all of this—which I respect a lot. In contrast though, I would of simply ignored the hostility if he didn’t make such a remark, which bluntly showed he was aware of this.

I didn’t post this response simply to debate by the way, I just enjoy intellectual reasoning, because it tends to gets my mind flowing. I put myself in another person’s eyes, and attempt to see their reasoning, so by matching it, or understanding it, it helps me understand their character—helping me write, especially when I attempt to write multiple characters, and have to put myself mentally into different personalities or perspectives.
You have a lot of good valid points and a lot of wisdom behind your words, I do differentiate a little on your reasoning behind some parts, but your intentions were noble—and there’s a lesson to be learned on everything on life. Thank you for the comments, everyone agrees, the grammar killed the story, or being more accurate—the tense and comma splicing did.

On a note: I have already learned from this and am currently writing my second piece. I am a rather fast typist, so writing a long response like this—is nothing to me. I did enjoy reading your wise words, Syncs is odviously rather mature, seeing how he never took the time to retaliate and bother.

[Tsaeb XIII]

Well, we'll agree to disagree on some of the interpretations, but the general idea of my post was that giving the benefit of the doubt is the best course of action. If you can possibly take things two ways, try and take it the more positive of the two (unless somebody has made a habit of posting negatively about you in the past, in which case the doubt is obviously gone already).

I should add that I wrote "rules" within inverted commas for a reason; it's not a crime to say that your writing is bad or that you lack ability, and there is no penalty for doing it, but it's a quick way to discourage readers from reading on beyond that point. More than once I've clicked out of a thread immediately after seeing someone mention that in their opening paragraph. To paraphrase from the link I included - If you don't think your writing is any good, how can you expect someone else to want to read it? If, as you say, your statement was a perfect example of the weaknesses of text based communication, well, I stand corrected, though I would greatly appreciate an increase in clarity in the future. As for the time comment, some people will take offence to the idea that you haven't spent much time working on something but expect them to spend time reviewing it. Not saying such a view is universal, but it's out there, and it's another way of losing potential critiquers. And if you're posting here, you obviously want people to critique your work, so you should be trying everything within your power to make them want to do so.

Do try and aim for a bit more polish though before you post in the future, by the way, becuase in the end, the more enjoyable the experience is for the readers, the better the writing is (as that sentence exemplifies, I also have the occasional issues with comma splicing. As a result, it's something I tend to notice :)). Anyway, all the best with your writing.

[shadows]

I agree with Sync and Tsaeb. To start off with "I know I suck" is offputting and puts a negative spin on the story. The reader then expects a story that needs a lot of work , which it does. The tenses need fixing and the grammar and addressed. Despite what you may wish - any story a writer writes is a reflection of them.