View Full Version : H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 3: The takeover begins!

December 20th, 2010, 02:25 PM
Warning, this chapter contains mild language. You have been warned.

Chapter 3 : The takeover begins !

Luke is in his room. He takes his shirt off. There is tremendous amounts of scars all

over his chest and back. Some scars extend from one side of his body to the other,

some go from left arm to right arm, and some go from his neck to his legs.
Luke runs a finger down one of the scars, it begins burn and he begins to cry and

hangs his head low.
"Why did you do it dad? Why?" Luke mumbled to himself. Aaron walks into Luke's

room. Luke wipes his tears and pulls his shirt back over the scars.
"It's been over a year since you checked how many soldiers you got sir!" Aaron

announced to Luke.
"Oh that's right! Can you tell me how many do i have now?" Luke asked. Aaron nods

and walks away.
Luke enters the bathroom and looks in the mirror. He starts to comb his hair. Then he

takes out a rubber band and makes a ponytail. Aaron comes back with a list in his hand.
"Well, how many soldiers do we have?" Luke asked.
"Sir we got half a million soldiers!" Aaron replies back.
"That's good! Hope that's enough for a defensive army!" Luke said.

In Hell: The Devil and Marik were in a middle of a conversation.
"...Get yourself prepared! I will prepare the army for you!" The Devil said. Marik nods,

then he bows, turns around and walks away closing the door behind him. The Devil

turns around in his chair and stares down the window: There were demons in all colors

with horns and long tongues with dark hair and red bodies, getting their body and head

armor, weapons, and entering these demons that were twice as huge as traveling

planes, but they were alive. Inside the demon planes, the demons were taking some

long wires which seemed to give them food into their stomachs. The Devil stands up.
The demon army becomes still and looks up where the devil is.
"My dear demons, you were created from my body to serve me and die. Now it's our

turn to control earth and make these puny humans our slaves! Nobody will stop us!

Their army and weapons are puny to our superior cannons and live demon-planes your

entering in! Let the takeover begin!" The Devil shouts. The demons let out these

sounds so horrible that it would make humans immune to it die.
As the devil was doing that, marik was walking in the dark hallway that was leading from

the devils room, when he stops.
"So, the big five don't trust me anymore, right Krum?" Marik asked. A shadow pops out

of the ground and Krum appears .
"Your actions have been weird these days! I have a few questions to ask you before

you leave!" Krum said.
"Better ask quickly!" Marik said impatiently.
"Why are you acting like this? What's wrong? Is your blood doing this to you? Is it

revenge or is it greed?" Krum asked. Marik laughs evily. Krum starts to get angry.

"Krum, Krum, Krum. The answers to all of your questions are yes! But this is not the

time to begin my plans! I'll see you later!" Marik replies. He opens the door to the

outside and closes the door on Krum. Krum goes back into the shadows and

Devil laughs in his room when Krum appears in front of devils desk.
"What's up?"The Devil asked.
"Sir, I've just learned a horrible truth about Marik!" Krum replies back.
"What is it?"The Devil asks.
"He wants his revenge for what you did and it's his blood that is doing it to him!" Krum

replies quickly.
"Don't worry Krum, we'll keep an eye on him." devil replies calmly. He turns around and

he looks at the 5 demon-planes flying away with a million demons.

On Earth: Luke was sitting in his living room in a comfy couch. He yawns as he flips

through channels on the television.
"Boring , boring , boring , rerun , rerun , boring ...hey the news!" Luke says excitingly.

There is a huge flash of light outside of Lukes house. Then huge shadows suddenly

"Damn another storm!" Luke yells. Then a deafening sound reaches Luke's ears from

the outside.
"What the fuck is that?" he shouts over the noise as he tries to run to the nearest

The earth begins to shake. Luke slams the door open and runs outside.
"Oh my fucking God! We are being attacked by aliens!" Luke shouts. He runs back

"Aaron!" Luke shouts. Aaron runs into the living room.
"What is it sir?" Aaron shouts back.
"Get the soldiers ready! The aliens came for a visit!" Luke shouts. The deafening

sound stops and Luke takes a long breath.
He runs to the TV. And watches the news.
"Aliens have arrived!" the reporter said shakily.
"Do you know why they are here?" The newswoman asked.
"I don't know! Oh my god, they are coming out of their ships! It looks like-" the reporter

stops as he and the camera man get shot on live TV. then the camera goes off.

"Ladies and gentleman that are watching this, we are under attack by aliens! We advise

you to stay inside!" the newswoman ordered.
Luke turns the television off. He puts on a blue looking armor and he takes out a huge

box. In it is a shotgun and AK47 and a heavy looking kodachi swords. He takes them all

out and takes every bullet he found in the box. Then he opens up a drawer and takes

out a weird looking black remote controller with a antenna. He runs to the back door of

his house. There is a burned down house in the back yard but there is a one acre

space full of grass. He presses the button of the controller and the grass opens up.

Then he runs back inside. Aaron is awaiting him.
"They are all ready sir!" he reports to Luke.
"That's great! Are they getting ready to fly?" Luke asked.
"Yes sir, They are ready to depart sir!" Aaron replies back.
"Excellent! Let the battle begin!" Luke shouts.

December 20th, 2010, 08:47 PM
i don't call that mild language. i call that strong language.

December 20th, 2010, 08:55 PM
Hello Guilt,

This reminds me of a play/script writing. I'm not saying that's bad, but its formatted in prose so I think that takes away a bit.

I think this is because of all the directions. someone did this, someone did that in tag lines. have you've considered script writing before?

You seem attached to the ! mark.

As prose, this didn't really do it for me, but as a script i can see it working better.

Just my thoughts, feel free to disregard.

enjoyed the read


December 20th, 2010, 09:04 PM
thanks sync and i agree. Everytime i write a chapter, it always ends up as a script.

December 20th, 2010, 09:07 PM
nothing at all wrong with that. there is a great market out there for scripts and if you find yourself naturally falling into that form of writing, you should go for it. They are a bit different to critique, but still have a story and characters as you've shown. :)

December 20th, 2010, 10:03 PM
ok Thanks again.