View Full Version : Awakening the magic world (part 1)

December 17th, 2010, 09:52 PM
Some people say that fairies, unicorns, and dragons don't exist. Humans used to know how to communicate with them, then when they began abusing the relationships these creatures disappeared into their secret realms far from the eyes of humans. Over the years the creatures became myths and folklore. Now people believe they never existed, and that's the way these creatures prefer it, that is until now.

Avrael was sitting on the bus on her way home from school. The traffic to 223 moorish street from her school was unbearable. The busses windows were all stuck and the temperature outside was well over one hundred degrees farenheight. Geneva McCollins was seated next her jabbering on about her college boyfriend and how he never called when he said he was going to, and how she wished he would just call. Avrael nodded along pretending she was listening, but in all reality her mind was far from Geneva's boyfriend.

Avrael looked out the windown and instead of seeing the boring dusty streets, she saw blue lagoons with beautiful mermaids. She saw huge trees with thousands of tiny little houses handing from thier branches, and Mountain caves where the greatest and most intelligent Dragons kept their lairs. Sometimes she imagined she were riding bareback on a unicorn, and conversing with a centaur. If only... She thought to herself as Geneva elbowed her sharply. "Aren't you listening? I mean it's like he doesn't even know that I love him." Avrael frowned at being drug out of her magical daydreams. "Yea, I'm listening. Why do you date him anyway? He's just dating you because he thinks you're easy." She said watching as Geneva's face turned a couple of different shades of red and purple.

"What do you know about that Avrael?! You don't even have a boyfriend!!! You've never had a boyfriend!!! I don't even know why I talk to you...." She said huffing as she picked up her purple coach bag and sashayed to the back seat to sit with a group of cooler girls. Avrael sighed and shrugged as she looked at her reflection in the bus window. At 16 Avrael was done growing up. She was five feet six inches tall and she had a curvy build. She had long silvery blonde hair that fell all the way to the middle of her back. Her eyes were a silvery blue, and she was a very pale white. Some of the girls at school had teased her about being an albino elf, but she knew she didn't look like an albino, though she didn't mind being compared to an elf.

The traffic had finally started moving on the dusty streets. It was the years 2079. The world had changed drastically over the last 60 years. All the trees and grass had died, and the water had turned a pinkish red color, though different it was still drinkable. The granite and asphalt has turned to dust and now all that remained was sand and dirt. The temperature remained high year round, there were no seasons anymore. In the North it was always boiling hot, in the south it was always freezing cold. Different cultures had ceased existing after all the continents were connected with massive land bridges across the pink seas. All religions had combined and the government became one body. The government had a structure unlike anything in existence today. It was made up of 7 major branches, one branch on each former continent. All branches reported to one controller, The Supreme Ruler. The Supreme Ruler was someone who was chosen by monks at his/her birth.

The monks had psychic abilities, they could tell the future and were able to know when a new supreme ruler would be needed and who it should be. It was part of their ancient rights and rules that they could never reveal the future and that any one chosen as Supreme Ruler be taken to their monastery and hidden until the need arose for them to take over. The monks always knew when The Supreme Ruler would need to be replaced and a new Supreme leader was always ready to take on their responsibility.

The seven branches were named: North, South, East, West, Central, Far East, and Far West. Each branch had a leader who reported soley to the Supreme leader, they were called the Sub Supremes. The Sub supremes were appointed by the Supreme leader who reviewed them and tested their skills immensely. The application for Sub Supreme was said to take 5 years to fill out and then you had to wait for a Sub Supreme to die or for a new Supreme Leader. Under the Sub supremes were committees of men and women who were in charge of provinces and territories. They were appointed by the Sub Supremes, and it was their jobs to keep order in their areas of responsibility. They oversaw the courts and the police force. Avrael didn't know much about them, except to stay away from them. They could make a person disappear, not just the person but their entire family and anyone who knew them. She had heard tales of entire villages and towns disappearing in the night.

But that was of little consequnce to her, all she cared about were her day dreams and then her regular dreams. At night she dreamed of a land that didn't exist. Somewhere far away where the magical creatures who once were lived in harmony. But something wasn't right. A small fairy dressed in a pink flower whispered in her ear. "Princess Avrael, it's time to come home. We need your power. Come quickly, only you can save us." Her voice sounded like a little bell ringing. Avrael would always wake up at that point and groan as she turned over and sighed wishing she could go to the magical land and save those creatures from whatever evil lurked there. But those creatures didn't exist and Avrael would go back to sleep.

December 17th, 2010, 10:56 PM

My favourite parts were when your mc was on the bus, daydreaming, ignoring her friend, but i liked her friends in the background.

I think the history part is a bit too much of an info dump at once. I say this because It swamps out my memories of the girl. I think you could lessen the data, bring it in more as the story requires and that way center more on the mc. Since this is chapter one, its important to hold the reader's full attention.

As I said, I like your character, like that she drifts off, is thought of a loner, has the structure of an elf so that leaves a possibility that she might go to that magically world she imagines or is maybe a lost princess from it. hard to say, but because I like her so much(as you drew her in so well) it makes me want to wish the best for her.

thanks for the read

These are just my thoughts and in no way means there is a requirement for change. Also change is something you should think about first and for a while before considering, never rush off.


December 18th, 2010, 10:53 AM
Where to put world data in is always a tough call. But it wouldn't been in the first page of the first chapter. Another point of interest for your story. Recycling descriptions "silvery and "dusty streets" this will annoy readers if its allowed to become habit. I was also unsatisfied with Avrael's description, Not very telling to say the least. You could relate her description to who she is as a person... she seems a quiet spacey day dreamer, Maybe you describe what shes wearing, Her default facial expression maybe? I take it run away government power will soon impact our favorite sleepy innocent girl's life? instead of a civics class maybe leak that information in from Avrael's perspective as it becomes relevant. confusion ..blame placing. Thoughts of vengeance or justice...Whatever range of emotions are invoked by Avrael clash with international politics might also be an opportunity to give naturally flowing world information as things start to unfold.