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View Full Version : Medora , the Glory the Dust and the Watcher



Sir.
December 16th, 2010, 11:55 PM
little piece of writing that follows a Piece I wrote not long ago, easy enough to follow if you didn't read 'alec on the way...' really would like suggestions on the description, worried I may have rushed some areas and over killed others - also comments on the watchers bit more than welcome as I think its a weak section with promise.

Anyone who hasnít seen Medora or the surronding Medorean desert can never quite understand the vastness of the space. Looking across the flat plains that stretch on into immeasurable distances, broken only by the apparent outbreak of small rocky clusters, which when closer exaimed reveal themselves as snow capped and barren mountain ranges. The vast areas of bright yellow sand, which on first arrival in the distant Port Virtue appear so golden and pure soon develope across the weeks of uncomfrotable camel riding, or the months of walking along the single road to the city as nothing but filthy, foul tasting ash.

The city itself rises out of the dust and the death that surronds it as a testament to the brutality of the world it exists in. The tall, glossy pillars of black obsidian stone, like they have grown from the darkest core of the earth they spiral up hundreds of feet, supporting between them thick uncomprimising walls of the same smooth cool stone. The effect of its appearance out of the surronding wastes is indescribable.

Or at least it is for most people. I was watching, as my post dictates I should always do, watching the passing of the day, the people. Sometimes I felt like the comforting hand of time on my shoulder as I sat in a position of eternal vigil, his hand touching me lightly before he too passed on along his way. I had seen almost everything in my time watching the front gates of the city, one of the four watchers. The imfamous watchers of Medorea, and when I saw the pale foriegner I knew for the first time in such a long time, I was seeing something different. Somoething new, his eyes did not widen, his mouth did not gape. It narrowed a little, no stunned moment of shock as the city rose like a mirage out of the wilderness; instead a cold hard look entered his eyes. I could not draw my own eyes away from his gaze, a gaze of determination and barely veiled disgust.

As the vultures gathered in the distance; attracted no doubt to some poorly prepared travellers body.I began to reliase that this stranger, with a look of such disdain for a city of awe, was our very own approaching carrion bird.

Sync
December 17th, 2010, 02:27 PM
hello.

I will look at just the descriptions.

you wrote:

Anyone who hasn’t seen Medora or the surrounding Medorean desert can never quite understand the its vastness of the space. Looking across the flat plains that stretch on into immeasurable distances, broken only by the apparent outbreaks of small rocky clusters, which when closer examined reveal themselves as snow capped and barren mountain ranges upon closer observation. The vast areas of bright yellow sand, which on first arrival in the distant to Port Virtue, appear so golden and pure soon develope across the weeks of uncomfrotable camel riding, or the months of walking along the single road to the city as nothing but filthy, foul tasting ash.

the last italic piece is awkwardly worded and could be tightened.

You should go over this piece again for grammar and spelling. Even if you just want a comment on descriptions, you are still presenting your writing to a reader and so they base you on what they see. If you are too rushed or uncaring to bother corrections of the obvious spelling and grammar, then what time they have to give is tarnished by those errors. This piece reflects your seriousness as a writer and so should be fixed prior.


The city itself rises out of the dust, and the death that surrounds it is as a testament to that brutality of that world it exists in. The tall, glossy pillars of black obsidian stone, like they have grown from the darkest core of the earth they spiral up hundreds of feet. Supporting between them, thick uncomprimising walls of the same smooth cool stone. The effect of its appearance out of the surronding wastes is indescribable.

the last line - you are the writer, if you can't describe it, why tell me?

Or at least it is for most people. I was watching, as my post dictates I should always do, watching the passing of the day, the people. Sometimes I felt like the comforting hand of time on my shoulder as I sat in a position of eternal vigil, his hand touching me lightly before he too passed on along his way. I had seen almost everything in my time watching the front gates of the city, one of the four watchers. The imfamous watchers of Medorea, and when I saw the pale foriegner I knew for the first time in such a long time, I was seeing something different. Somoething new, his eyes did not widen, his mouth did not gape. It narrowed a little, no stunned moment of shock as the city rose like a mirage out of the wilderness; instead a cold hard look entered his eyes. I could not draw my own eyes away from his gaze, a gaze of determination and barely veiled disgust.

As the vultures gathered in the distance; attracted no doubt to some poorly prepared travellers body.I began to reliase that this stranger, with a look of such disdain for a city of awe, was our very own approaching carrion bird.


This is as far as I will go, because of the spelling and grammar, which though you don't deem important enough to fix prior to posting, it inadvertently means something to me.

I am not saying the story is bad, or the descriptions are either, but a story is a 'whole' you can't just focus on one thing and expect the reader/critiquer to ignore the others. It makes me ask how much time you put into this, and if it is equal to the time I needed to.

thanks for the read

***note**** - I don't mean to sound intentionally cruel, but I think you write well enough to look into that side of writing also, and, well, I don't like to see a writer submit something only to have no returned reply of any kind because of something that could have been fixed. Your descriptions were fine, I struck out where I believe you went a bit over-tell, bolded words that should be looked at. Keep at this piece, there's a story to be told, but tune it all in, don't rely on pretty words only.



good luck on this piece.

Sync