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bearycool
December 15th, 2010, 09:02 PM
please tell me what confuses you, what you liked about it, and how to improve it. If I need to cut or add something, please tell me!



Chapter 5: The Chronological Order of Misdeeds

In the days that followed, Stan began his trail of misdeeds. As the days progress, Aaron soon took upon himself to make sure that guy didn’t kill him or himself. He didn’t know why he didn’t just ask the administrators of the school to just kick the kid out, maybe he had pity for the kid deep down, or maybe he was just nice that year. Truth is, he never knew it himself fully, but he felt something that told him to keep the guy around for a while. As the days blew by, Aaron kept a list down of all the misdeeds that guy did. He thought he was making a list so as to have evidence for later on, but most likely he was making one to keep some order in things.
This is the list from September 25 all the way to May 25. Some parts have been omitted because they were not there in the first place or have been shown in the list countless times that it would be over repetitive to show them.
Sep. 25: Late for class
Sep. 26: pass out on the ground, from the smell of his breath he was most likely drinking…
Sep. 27: found him in the nurse’s offices with lacerations all over his body…
Sep. 28: Late for class
Sep. 29: found him with a bruised eye, won’t tell me where he got the thing.
(October has been omitted for over repetitiveness.)
Oct. 31: Found him with a cartoon of eggs and a ski mask. He told me he was going “trick or treating” in a slurish voice. Told him I would report him before even got a chance. He is mumbling in his bed now. (Note to myself: Why did this happen to me?)
Nov. 10: late for class
Nov. 11: Nothing today, he was really quiet and kept to schoolwork. (First time that has ever happened…)
Nov. 12: same as November 12. I did catch him drinking a little when he was by himself.
Nov. 13: going back to his old ways, just found him pass out on the ground again…
(Days omitted…)
Nov. 20: This was an odd day today. He didn’t get into trouble at all today, but to top it off he was talking to me without a drunken voice. He told me this place wasn’t so bad, but he wished his friends were still around to see it. I asked where they were, in which he went quiet for a moment and then told me that they were on a trip. I got a few more words out of him on how he gets beaten up so much. He told me it was because he did some dumb things to the wrong people while he was drunk. He left without another word after that.
Nov. 21: I asked Ashley on a date, she accepted. I don’t know why I’m writing this here, but here I am doing it now… I asked Stan if he had a girl that he was going out with, he didn’t reply. It doesn’t matter anyway; I have to get the money I’ve been saving up for something like this!
Nov. 22: Thanksgiving Break, Stan told me he would be staying at the campus.

Nov. 27: I wish it was thanksgiving break again… He was passed out again, but this time he seemed to have gotten into a fight. I brought some peroxide from home just for this. I also brought back some leftover turkey to ease my nerves for this occasion also.
Dec. 5: Found him crying on his bed. Decided to leave him alone, besides, I have another date with that girl Ashley tonight!
Dec. 6: Had a fight with him, guess who won?
Dec. 10: Late for class, surprised he hasn’t been suspended yet for just this one thing.
(No dates recorded during this time…)
Dec. 15: didn’t do anything today, in fact he looks happy today. I suppose it’s because winter break is here now. Won’t be keeping watch for him for the next two weeks so I hope he stays out of trouble. I have invited Ashley to stay a few nights at my house, she has accepted.
(No dates recorded during this time…)
Jan. 5: He has been suspended for 10 days. He did something with violation to school property, but I forgot what it is… I have a study group night with Jake today, so I won’t think about it for now.
Jan. 15: Back from suspension, seems quiet beaten up. I asked how it went, in which he only mumbled to me. I’m ignoring it for now; my final grades have just come in.
Jan. 16: Got almost all straight A’s! I looked at Stan’s and saw he didn’t do too badly, considering he was late a lot of the time.
Jan. 17: Seems to be a little bit more cheerful after the suspension.
Jan. 18: Just saw him come in, wobbling to his bed. He fell asleep before I could ask what happened
Jan. 19: seems to be worse, thinking of investigating.
Jan. 20: bruised eyes.
Jan. 21: cuts…
Jan. 22: alerted an administrator just now, he is being questioned.
Jan. 23: He didn’t say anything. I wish I brought some Advil from home. Ashley told me she would speak to him on the 25.
Jan. 24: Didn’t see him in the dorm after class.
Jan. 25: Absent from class.
Feb. 1: Still no sign of him…
Feb. 2: No sign of him. I’m walking around everywhere looking for him, and still no sign of him.

Never mind, I believe to have found him… or most of him anyway…
Feb. 3: he was pretty torn up, had to take him to the hospital, he should be back within a few weeks… Funny thing is that I don’t believe to have seen his family at the hospital at all…
Feb. 30: He has finally returned, mostly quiet, but breathing. He isn’t talking to me of what happened a few weeks ago…
Mar. 1: He’s been quiet, which is odd. Has a tired look on his face. I’m going to cancel the study group tonight, just because I don’t trust a look like that.
Mar. 1; 12:00 A.M.: Just as I thought, attempted suicide. He almost succeeded though, if I hadn’t caught him before he jumped off the building. Going to keep watched until the morning. I just hope I won’t be too tired for tomorrow’s geology test.
Mar. 3: he has gone back to being himself. I won’t be surprised if I just copy the same thing from September and October…
(Rest of month omitted)
Mar. 30: Had sex with Ashley tonight, it was amazing! We were both staying at school for spring break, and decided it was time to get it on. Stan seems to be gloomy as usual, but who cares?! I’m going to take a break from this for a while. Oh, thank you God!
April. 1: N/A
Apr. 2: N/A
(Rest of month omitted…)
May 1: Ashley found this journal while Jake and I were studying in my dorm. She came in unexpectedly to ask for help on how rocks affect living creature and found the notebook sitting at the foot of Stan’s bed, and began to read it. She sighed and told me to take a break from this and just let Stan do what he wants. We had a little bit of an argument, but it didn’t last long, we usually make up fast on this sort of thing. She told me she would go talk to Stan and told me if I stopped; she would give me a kiss. So this is my last entry in here, I just hope Ashley knows what she is doing.
(No dates recorded…)
May 22: Ashley psychiatric help didn’t help him at all. I’m writing in here again because I’m starting to get stressed. I’m going to stop writing for a little and get a glass of water…
(Dates omitted...)
May 26, 12:00 A.M.: I’ve had it! I’m tired as heck and can’t think straight. I’ve had it with this guy’s constant magnetism to getting himself almost killed. He is at the nurse’s office now. I applied some peroxide to his wounds, but after that, I let the nurse handle the rest; besides, she is use to Stan making welcoming visits down there… How did this all start out anyway?! I don’t know… I’m too tired to think on something like that… I’m just going to go to bed since I just canceled the study group with Jake for the millionth time… (Note to myself: I need to get out of here…)

On May 26, at eight in the morning, Aaron woke up from a dreamless sleep. The first thing he did was not the usual yawn and get dress routine, but instead looked at the empty bed of Stan and slowly moved his fingers down to the notebook. He didn’t know why he was being careful at grabbing the notebook from under his bed, he just felt like it. As his finger tips touched the covering of the notebook, Aaron slowly moved it upwards towards his palm and began bringing upwards to his lap. Aaron studied the red covering once it reached its destination, and flipped it open.
He skimmed over the writing that he wrote during the year and sighed. He couldn’t believe that all of this had happened during a single year. He looked at the last sentence, and wonder where he would leave for in the first place. He didn’t know, there were so many places, but they all seemed to be too close to the university in his mind. As he was about to close the notebook in despair, a piece of paper fell from the center of the notebook and slowly floated towards the ground.
Aaron looked down at the paper curiously. He didn’t remember placing anything there during the entire year, nor did he remember even tearing any paper. He decided to end the mystery and grabbed the torn paper from the ground. As he was holding it, the light reflected through it to reveal to what appeared to be shadows of written letters. He turned the piece of paper around to find a single sentence. The writing was small, yet elegant. The writing was in a font that was used for important invitations; bold, yet tiny and in cursive. Aaron moved his head a little closer to the paper and began to focus his eyes on the fine print…


Find escape beyond the mountains’ pass, where red shines all around…

It made no sense to him, but the words kept him in its grasp. Aaron tried to remember if he wrote this himself and kept it inside the notebook for some reason. He turned the pages of the notebook and found that not one of them was torn in anyway. He looked back at the writing and realized, without a doubt, that it wasn’t his own.
He gazed even further at the print and wondered what pass it was talking about. He had been through many mountain passes, but he couldn’t remember their names. He only remembered one, and that was Red Mountain Pass near Durango and Ouray.
He let out a sharp exhale of air and realized that was the place the note was referring to. “…where red shines all around,” Was a hint, and the obvious reference to Red Mountain Pass was so loud and clear that you could see your reflection through it. Aaron suddenly knew where he had to go to escape all this crap, where to find peace, and where to find his dream incarnated into reality. He didn’t know why he felt this way, maybe it was the feeling to get out and the note offering a way out, but it didn’t matter to Aaron as to why he was feeling what he was feeling. He had a ticket out, and that was all that mattered to him.
He took a pencil from one of the pockets of his backpack and re-opened the notebook. He wrote sharp and fast on the other side of the page where the last entry was.
May 26: I have found a way out! I’m going to start preparing right now for departure. Screw all that has happened, I now have a get out of jail free card, and I intend to use it. I shall be going to where the red shines all around, to the where I shall pass the mountains. I shall be going beyond the mountains’ pass…
He closed the notebook and stared into space for a moment. He smiled at the empty bed that was in front of him. And with accelerated thoughts, he began to get dress…

bearycool
December 15th, 2010, 09:15 PM
Some grammatical errors I forgot to fix up before posting this here... I'll make sure to edited those...

Ceremony
December 15th, 2010, 11:20 PM
This was amazing. I'm not kidding when i say this but as i was reading the entrees in the book, for a few seconds, i was convinced the characters were real and that the entrees were real, and that the whole thing was real.

However there are still a few grammatical errors you need to revise but this story hooked me and I want to read more. But is Aaron leaving Ashley behind? because I would never just leave my girlfriend behind to go to some mountain to avoid my roommate. Also his get-out-of-jail free card kinda doesn't make sense. If he was so content on leaving the crazy kid behind wouldn't he just get a different dorm? That's what I would do. The first part makes complete sense when he feels the need to help but If he just wanted to leave the kid behind, thats all he had to do. Do you get what I'm saying? correct me if I'm wrong.

bearycool
December 15th, 2010, 11:38 PM
This was amazing. I'm not kidding when i say this but as i was reading the entrees in the book, for a few seconds, i was convinced the characters were real and that the entrees were real, and that the whole thing was real.

However there are still a few grammatical errors you need to revise but this story hooked me and I want to read more. But is Aaron leaving Ashley behind? because I would never just leave my girlfriend behind to go to some mountain to avoid my roommate. Also his get-out-of-jail free card kinda doesn't make sense. If he was so content on leaving the crazy kid behind wouldn't he just get a different dorm? That's what I would do. The first part makes complete sense when he feels the need to help but If he just wanted to leave the kid behind, thats all he had to do. Do you get what I'm saying? correct me if I'm wrong.

Yeah I get what you're saying. I'm trying to work out the Ashley thing, I'm thinking of Aaron asking her to join him, but she denies it for a reason. The thing with getting a different is that all the dorms are full that year, which you don't know because it's mention in the other chapter. I will, if need be, add an entry where he tries to get a new dorm, but fails for that reason. Some parts of chapter 5 are confusing and need to be revised, but once you read the other 4 chapters it begins to make since. the little sheet of paper that Aaron finds is a foreshadow for things to come. I'm trying to transition into the pass that Aaron is going to with as much information about the characters, without ruining the plot, as possible. So far, from your response and others from other posts, it is coming out just fine. A few fixes here and there, but it's coming just fine.

I would like to thank everyone who has helped me with revision, it has really helped the flow of the story a lot and as improved my writing a lot.