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View Full Version : Idea for a short story called Beastly



JohnGMarino
December 15th, 2010, 02:38 PM
I'm thinking of writing a short story about a psycho from the psychos perspective. Here's what I have so far.

It rises like the pressure of a dormant volcano that sits waiting to spew its ugly ash. Once the rise begins, there is no stopping its increasing momentum until it has finished what it seeks to do. I canít stop it, Iíve tried. Iíve grappled with it time after time, trying to hold it deep in the depths it comes from. It always gets away from me though. It wrests control from me and then, it unleashes itís fury on the world around me. An angry fury that must find its release or the energy from its own vehemence will destroy that which it has taken over. I feel the rage coursing through every minute fiber of my being as it seeks to unleash its power. Itís as if the rage will vibrate my body into tiny particles if it cannot find the release it seeks.

Sync
December 15th, 2010, 02:48 PM
I think this would be stronger with less 'it/its' since the subject 'rage' has not changed in this para/opening, this allows you the freedom of not having to point at 'it' at every instance.

But sounds like a story to tell. You could instill the mc's inner voice in also, so the reader is drawn in, not standing by as an observer.

go for it :)

thanks for the read

Sync

JohnGMarino
December 15th, 2010, 04:04 PM
I was actually wondering if I had over used it/its myself. Thanks for the input. I'll keep working on this one.

JohnGMarino
December 15th, 2010, 04:19 PM
I think this works better

It rises like the pressure of a dormant volcano that sits waiting to spew grey ugly ash. Once the rise begins, there is no stopping the increasing momentum until finishing what it seeks to do. I can’t stop the rise, I’ve tried. I’ve grappled time after time, trying to hold it deep in the depths. It always gets away from me though. I wrestle for control that I can never have, as fury is unleashed on the world around me. An intense fury that must find release or the energy from the vehemence will destroy that which it has taken over. I feel the rage coursing through every minute fiber of my being seeking to set free the power. It’s almost as if the rage will vibrate my body into tiny particles if the release is not found.

Sync
December 15th, 2010, 04:33 PM
sometimes you have to be less cryptic, especially at the beginning. As of yet, I can only guess what 'it' is. It might be internal, it might not, he might be talking about someone he is observing. That's the worse thing about using 'it' - 'it' can be anything but what you want 'it' to be sometimes. And though free interpretation is often encouraged, you want the reader to be generally in the same story as you, otherwise who would be writing the story?

so I think you have to give 'it' a location, so the reader knows right away, 'okay, i don't know what this 'it' is yet, but I know he's fighting himself for control of 'it' - so the story is still waiting to be told, but the setting is set.

It would take just a few words

It builds inside me, waiting to spew out rage. - I know you want that volcano, but sometimes similes misdirect from the image you wish to tell, more than help. After all, its the 'spewing' that's important, not the volcano, not the grey ash. 'It' spews. make sure your reader knows that.

You see, every time you take a reader away to image/picture another image, you pull them momentarily out of the image you originally want. when I read your first line, the lasting image was that 'volcano', not the 'it' not the spew, or ash, because 'Volcano' is the strongest image, so the most lasting.


Sorry about the ramble.

this version you just did reads better to me. 'it' is one of those invisble words, a bit like 'the'. We use them as fillers without notice.

Sync

JohnGMarino
December 15th, 2010, 04:50 PM
Ok so if I change the line:
"I’ve grappled time after time, trying to hold it deep in the depths."
To read:
"I've grappled time after time, trying to hold it deep within me."
That would give the reader the knowledge that the author fights something within himself.
I have mixed feelings on taking out the volcano part though as I was hoping to use a visual that would help explain the physical feeling feeling the author got when the rage began to build up to the point of when it was released.

Sync
December 15th, 2010, 04:58 PM
I am sitting in my snowsuit and it is very hard to type, but this is important, so I wanted to say before I go out and shovel my driveway yet again.

Never ever ever be in a hurry to change your own words. Dwell on them, see if they can be modified into your voice, or if they belong to your voice at all.

There :) I feel better.

wait for others, never rush to change, you have to let words sit for them to mature in your mind.

okay I'll walk out of this, sometimes I go on and on.

remember. You are the writer. Not me.

have fun with this piece, sounds like its burning a fire to get out. which is alllllways a great thing to see.

Sync

JohnGMarino
December 15th, 2010, 05:07 PM
have fun shoveling, (said in a sarcastic way) Thanks greatly for the input. I think being a member of this site will force me to be a better writer and that is what I truly want. Have a good day.

John

Wonderwall
December 15th, 2010, 10:32 PM
I like the volcano as a metaphor. It sets up an instant image and one I think I'd remember down the line.

I feel the rage coursing through every minute fiber of my being seeking to set free the power. It’s almost as if the rage will vibrate my body into tiny particles if the release is not found.

I'm not sure if rage needs to be used twice here. You have a tendency to use the same word in proceeding sentences and, I for one, think a synonym might add flavor. It's good stuff though, very intense. I can feel the emotion.

JohnGMarino
December 16th, 2010, 05:04 PM
Yeah over use of the same phrase or word is a weakness of mine. My wife who helps me edit is always pointing that out as well. I'm almost finished with this one. It looks like about 1,500 words or so at this point.