PDA

View Full Version : Samurai



Ceremony
December 13th, 2010, 11:36 PM
the sun shined in the colorful cosmos above him as the waves of the purple ocean crashed onto the pure white sand beach. He clutched his sword in his hand and dragged it across the sand, as if it was cutting it. The wounds that were inflicted on his abdomen bled through his o-yoroi armor and stained the sand with red. He breathed heavily through his facemask but he continued to walk onwards with the sun in the cosmos blaring down in him.



The blood continued to pour from him. He did not cry nor did he moan in pain, he only breathed. Finally he could not keep himself up. His legs gave out and he collapsed to his knees. In front of him was his enemy, the enemy that taunted him by walking away.


“Fight me! Finish me!” he cried out, “I’m here! Finish what you’ve started!”



The figure in the distance kept walking, as if it didn’t care about him. He then mustered out all the strength he had and screamed at the top of his lungs. Then, with his finally breath, he fell face first into the sand.

Sync
December 13th, 2010, 11:46 PM
Hello, Ceremony

I'd like you to take a look at the usage of 'the' in your story, especially the first sentence. I used to write flash fiction for about 6 years and know that every single word should be important, and not just put there to fill. You have all the words you need for this piece, but you've added those invisible ones many writers no longer see. but for example

The sun shone colored cosmos above as waves of purple ocean crashed onto pure white sand.

watch also for personal pronouns, they will make a editor crumble and toss.

Exhaustion dragged the tip of his sword down into the damp soil, where it drew a crooked line as he moved forward...ever forward.

***
the idea is not to repeat words or phrases unless they strengthen the story more. Here, they do not, and because of the brevity of the piece, every snag like that magnifies.

thanks for the read

Sync

Ceremony
December 13th, 2010, 11:56 PM
i wish i could describe it as well as you. I see such a vivid picture and feel so much emotion its just so hard to put it down on paper. But your right i should work on the strength of the words. the way you said it made it flow like a river. I will work on this, thank you for the critique.

Sync
December 14th, 2010, 12:01 AM
everyone has their own voice, Ceremony, I like yours, and never ever give your voice over to another writer, never mock one, always be your own.

First step to being a writer is believing you are. It is obvious you are. Give yourself time to refine. I learnt about 90 percent of my writing from critiquing/reading other writers, and also from what they had to say about mine. it is not only writing that makes you a writer, there is much more to it than that. But you are well on your way. so remember that :)

ODaly
December 14th, 2010, 01:05 AM
That's quite an intriguing situation you've created there.

I could easily see what you want the reader to see, but I think your style is a bit rough to make me feel strongly about it. Like Sync said, you've got potential there, but it takes a little experience and refining to bring out as much as you can. I think you sold yourself short in a couple places, namely:

"He clutched his sword in his hand and dragged it across the sand, as if it was cutting it" and "The figure in the distance kept walking, as if it didn’t care about him" you used "as if" as a lead-in to weak descriptions when you set yourself up for a good opportunity.

Also, look at your sentence structure. You don't have to make drastic distinctions between sentences, but compare your first two paragraphs. The first one starts each sentence with alternatively either "the" or "he" while your second one is much more solid because it's less predictably repetitive.

I don't mean to sound overly critical, because you've got a solid base to work from. Keep writing. You'll only get better.

Ceremony
December 14th, 2010, 01:42 AM
thank you both for the critiques i appreciate it. Odaly you dont sound over critical i come here to be critiqued but in all honesty everything i post here i have the hope of it being something amazing but i do have to practice more and honestly i feel like ive come a long way since i first started writing. Thanks again guys!

Madame
December 14th, 2010, 05:16 AM
Not sure I can offer too much more on what has been said, but I'll give it a go as I really did like the concept behind this piece. I love the opening paragraph as it paints a very vivid image in my mind. The rest of the piece, as well, provides a very concise scene where I can connect with the frustration of the samurai. Unfortunately, technical errors distracted me and bring down the quality of the piece as a whole. In such a short piece I would expect near perfection in technical aspects. You don't really have the excuse of not catching something when there's only some 200 words. Your punctuation, especially leaves a bit to be desired. Remember that commas can be friend and enemy in equal measure to a writer.


Finally he could not keep himself up.

'Finally' should have a comma after it.

Here, you have the opposite problem you have a comma where it shouldn't be:


“Fight me! Finish me!” he cried out, “I’m here! Finish what you’ve started!”

That comma after 'out' should be a period. You're starting a new sentence in the next quoted portion, and since I'm assuming that dialogue tag belongs to the first quoted portion, it needs a full stop as it's the end of a sentence.

Also, this is more a stylistic nitpick, but I found the use of contractions here (outside the quoted speech) somewhat jarring. The prose just didn't seem to lend itself to contractions. I kept wanting 'didn't' to be 'did not' to give it that regal sort of antiquity I associate with the samurai.

len_ryuka
December 14th, 2010, 09:09 AM
since it seems like the others have already pointed out the lexical stuff, i'll just focus on the content.

Just two things, cultural wise(I'm native Japanese), a Samurai don't wear any mask. For modern displays, they put those masks on to make it seem like there's a face, but in reality a Samurai would never wear a mask.

one more thing, in japanese, there is no direct translation for "Finish me!" in this context. The closest thing you can say is "Kill me!", or "End me!"