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Sync
December 13th, 2010, 01:36 PM
moving on

stonefly
December 15th, 2010, 02:24 AM
Good story.

Only a couple suggestions.

The extra "Cooks and screams" snags me.

"We spiral down our freezing bodies down"... the two "down"s also hangs me up.

They got me because the rest of it read smoothly for me.

I like the way you describe the mc's feeling for the planet he's leaving. That's one of the main things that hooked me in. I was in from that point on.

I'd like to read the whole story.

Sync
December 15th, 2010, 02:32 AM
Thank you, Stonefly.

As much as I want to change those things lol, I always like to leave the original post as is so every reader gets the same story. But I will change them on my copy on the hard drive.

I appreciate the time, and am glad you enjoyed

Sync

Gumby
December 15th, 2010, 03:46 AM
This is very good Sync. You had me hooked very early on, which is always good. These are the only things that snagged me, and that certainly doesn't mean that they're wrong, it may be me.




My grip is sweaty, my heart pounds despite years of experience. The seal around my face feels loose and I sense precious oxygen seeping out. Looking around I see those same worries in other eyes. Familiar will loss, we all hold pinched-tight to fears.

Was this meant to be with?




Above, and far beyond dark clouds which swirl angrily, our new destination awaits. Our new home. One of too many. I feel its great mass pull hard at the fluids within my body. That initial dizziness almost makes me swoon but I hold on.

This seemed to need a comma to me.




Too quick, an ocean full of choppy waves get bigger and wider. Crow sends down the youngest warriors to set up the rafts. As each is laid out a few of us hover over them and then fold our wings to drop as near as we can. We all do our share of pumping until everyone is on board.

This seemed like it should be quickly and followed by a comma.


Will you be posting more? I certainly hope so, this is great. :)

Sync
December 15th, 2010, 12:26 PM
Hello Gumby

Thank you for the read and for your thoughts. Yup to all of those corrections...even to the 'ly' which I hate using but sometimes must :)

Commas - I'm presently looking at their usage, so like everything I 'look at' I first rid them and then add them slowly. I find they depend sometimes on how each person reads. Still, that said, that was a long breath to read through so I made changes to that line also on my copy in my lappy. :)

Thank you again

appreciate your time.

As for posting more, I am unsure as of yet. But I am glad you enjoyed

Sync

Jane Martin
December 19th, 2010, 12:10 AM
I should be honest and say that I generally dont like sci -fi or fantasy because I often find them difficult to follow. It started well, introducing characters fluidly into the narrative. When you said 'Targa approaches' I expected a person. I love the way you talk about Sai's grave being surrounded by life, it makes me think of the ongoing circle of life & there is something comforting in that. More than that, the description portrays the forest life as an active, powerful force, an almost spiritual presence & I love that. THis isnt just where these people live, its a part of them. There is a real intensity brought to life very well here.
I like the repetition of 'cooks and screams'. It gives me a feeling of him being pulled into a vortex, spiralling out of control. It didnt grate, to me. It created emphasis and almost followed the pattern of him falling into a spiral until he disappeared.


I'll be back to comment more on this, I liked the piece but every time I try to do a decent critique the laptop is commandeered by a lovestruck teenager.

dwellerofthedeep
December 19th, 2010, 12:24 AM
Not bad work, Sync. I think its a very original sort of opening, and it pulled me in in a gentle way, so I didn't feel like the learning curve was too steep. There are still a lot of character names, but they're all pretty clear, so I don't think that's an issue. I like the main character a lot, possibly because is older, and that is interesting.

Good job. I'd read more.

Sync
December 19th, 2010, 01:28 PM
Lmao, Jane. My son and daughter used to fight for rights to write on mine also til I built one for them and now(though not always :( ) they leave mine alone.

thank you for the time you spent and your thoughts on this piece. Originally it came from just a post someone made about the Hubble Telescope's pictures of various galaxies. The last picture was of the Sombrero Galaxy, as said it has 400 billion stars so tightly compressed that the whole galaxy glowed. I wondered about all those planets each had and how close they might be, how they might intercept paths. of course the sci-fi part of gravitational fields and such, is a bit imaginative, but I figured different galaxies might have different laws, our Universe seems to break them all the time.

I rambled.


***

Dweller,

Thank you for your words and am glad you enjoyed. Yes, I was on the fence about the amount of names, so many in such a short period of time, I'm still wondering if i should cut a few back, so its good that you mentioned that to me.

Appreciate both of your times spent

Sync

Guy Faukes
December 20th, 2010, 01:08 AM
This was very enjoyable to read Sync! The concept is very fascinating and accessible with how it's written.

I think there are some parts that zip by that could be used to draw out the clan or the experience more, like Tido's death and the six days they wait until they have contact.
Death is tightly knit clans tend to have a great impact. My humble suggestion would be to flesh out the emotions and the rituals, songs, prayers that often accompany the loss (or lack of since they are travelers).

Great first post, and if and when you do get this published, you will definitely have some readers!

shadows
December 20th, 2010, 01:20 AM
Hi Sync

I enjoyed the start of this story and it leaves me with plenty of questions to want to read on and find out more about the MC, his family and his people – where they come from and where they are going.

It was interesting to read where your inspiration came from

I didn’t find the number of characters too much of a problem as this is only chapter one and gradually the reader will become more familiar with them as they develop throughout the story. If it were a short then it would be more of a problem.

I did struggle a bit with the wings and how they worked. Initially I thought on the air currents in the same way birds use them but there seemed to be more power involved if they could battle through rain and such. I guess I analyse too much.


A few suggestions – with the caveat that it’s your story, your choices and I’m no expert.



A well-tanned man adjusts his pack, turns and smiles with recognition.

with recognition isn’t needed, Further on you show this by saying that Tibo is always courteous to his elders.



Familiar will loss, we all hold pinched-tight to fears.

sorry, but I didn’t understand the beginning of this sentence



There’s nothing more to say.

As he doesn’t say anything immediately before, more seems redundant.



I watch him snatch at a wind as it roared by.

here you change tense



They hurt so much I almost let go.

I wasn’t quite sure what he was letting go of. I assume the wings but I don’t really understand how they work



As denser atmosphere clash, vivid sheets of purple, green, and sunset orange, set off auroras which break at the horizon of two skies, and Crow wheels us directly into that fiery glow.


I do like this description of the skies joining


It is evening when we break in and out of cloud. Lightning arcs and thunder booms, and more rains don’t make me any wetter now. We spiral down our freezing bodies down, looking for safety. Scouts break off in all directions, they each signal their findings with red flares.

You could say – our freezing bodies spiral down


Too quick an ocean full of choppy waves get bigger and wider. Crow sends down the youngest warriors to set up the rafts. As each is laid out a few of us hover over them and then fold our wings to drop as near as we can. We all do our share of pumping until everyone is on board.


Here I didn’t understand what they were pumping



“Welcome Crow of Nokee Clan. I am Jeredeen, but...” she frowns in thought, “to catch Tailsman you will need the help of Sooki.” She looks towards the rising sun, where, next to it, a tiny red planet blazes. “Unless you plan on waiting another four cycles. Io goes into the Long Sweep soon.” She calls over to her scribe; a small boy with blue stained fingers and grabs his coveted book. Shifting from foot to foot, he winces every time she turns a page. After a few flicks she stabs down at a hand-drawn map. “Here!” I swear the scribe nearly faints. Crow leans in but keeps one eye on the young man. Jeredeen continues uncaringly. “The next Passing is two days from now,…but…” her fingers flick another sheet, “you will need to be much further south.”


Some lovely little details in this paragraph that bring the boy and Jeredeen to life.


I enjoyed this and hope you do post more.

Sync
December 20th, 2010, 12:10 PM
Thank you both.

Some of the points you mentioned have been fixed, but that they were seen by other readers strengthens the good reasoning behind changing them.

the rafts were pumped, but I was wondering if that should be drawn in more, now I see maybe 'bladders' or 'skins' sewn in the description of the raft would help that scene.

the six days on the raft. I was thinking of adding something because of that time, but wasnt' sure what. Guy, great idea about a possible funeral service for Tibo.

ETA: the wings, I wanted them to be pictured as fixed wings when locked in fully extended, I will fix that also.

that change of tense...feel free to smack me for that :)

I thank you for both your time and thoughts

appreciated

Sync

caelum
December 24th, 2010, 05:20 AM
Heya, Sync, just finished. It seems like a pretty novel idea, can't thing of anything that similar out there. One thing that jarred me was the often initiation of new paragraphs for single sentences, I think you could do that a bit more sparingly. But on the whole really enjoyed this, quite the vivid fantasy picture.

Only a few nits,

Daille, my oldest daughter gathers our share.You need a comma after daughter here. The rule goes something like, "Descriptive phrases must have commas on both ends."


Tibo, perhaps in an attempt to calm us launches.Same gripe. You could put one after us.


Too quick an ocean full of choppy waves get bigger and wider.I'd put a comma after too quick.

Sync
December 24th, 2010, 03:12 PM
Thank you, Caelum.

Yup sometimes a few of those commas get away on me. I've almost figured them out, but almost is often not quite enough.

the last one though I will disagree because the action would then be separated. But the other two, yes indeed, need to be changed.

Appreciated the time

Sync

Jane Martin
December 26th, 2010, 09:50 PM
Hi Sync

with recognition isn’t needed, Further on you show this by saying that Tibo is always courteous to his elders.






I disagree with this, to say that Tibo is always courteous to his elders is has no bearing on whether or not he knows this person. I wouldn't change this, it indicates that Tibo knows and likes this person which creates a favourable impression of them from the beginning.
I also enjoyed the description of the skies joining, the colours clashing etc. It made me visualise a scene that was both gorgeous and savage.

shadows
December 26th, 2010, 09:55 PM
Jane - I should probably have quoted the whole line which clearly shows the familiarity



Tibo is always courteous to his elders. It is why he is so well liked in our village. this shows that Tibo is well known and liked in this place.

Jane Martin
December 26th, 2010, 10:11 PM
I like this, I would like to read more of it. I read over it a few times & there was something that was bothering me about it but I couldnt put my finger on it. I eventually realised that it was simply that I wanted more of it, I wanted it developed. As I said I'm generally not into fantasy so that in itself says something lol. There is a likeability about your narrator that makes me want to get to know him more. I want to find out what happened to his wife, there is a suggestion that her death was caused by her overstepping some boundary. Although I had to read this a couple of times to properly to get to grips with it, I think once the scene was fully set in a wider piece of work I would follow it with no problem.

Jane Martin
December 26th, 2010, 10:17 PM
Jane - I should probably have quoted the whole line which clearly shows the familiarity


this shows that Tibo is well known and liked in this place.


Lol Shadow maybe I should have stated more obviously that, to me, it clearly shows that Tibo knows and likes the narrator. I wouldn't change it because of what it tells us about the narrator, not what it says about Tibo. Tibo could be well liked etc and still not know the narrator. The later comment that he is 'always courteous to his elders' then gives us more information about the narrator by implying that he is one of said elders.

shadows
December 26th, 2010, 10:24 PM
I think we'll have to agree to disagree :)

Sync
December 27th, 2010, 05:02 AM
Thank you both for your thoughts here. It's always great to be able to discuss a story and the thoughts of others. I didn't want to leave too many questions that couldn't wait. I have thoughts to have had Ahng as the prior chief, and have the tribe have to separate to make the next crossing. Children and most of the warriors on a slow moving planet coming, and a selected few try to reach the faster smaller planet approaching. Ahng and the chief go that route. it will just lessen the names, and I can go over to that larger part of the clan so show their experiences also in 3rd.

I think, as one poster mentioned, that a funeral service on the raft or maybe when the other clan picks them up, might help with Tibo and show his loss on all.

so you both have given me something to think about, maybe a hint of who Ahng once was, to draw in his age better and where he stands in the tribe.

ramble alert :(

thank you again.

Sync

shadows
December 27th, 2010, 06:48 AM
Glad you are going to write more on this. Hope you post it, when you're ready. I'm curious to see where this goes.