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Waste.
December 12th, 2010, 11:36 PM
Watch for the burning horizon.

Rex looked South. Over the tops of the broken buildings, fringed by moonlight. Hed dreaded the letter, Thorin should never have opened it, should not have told him. Now his people were watching avidly, watching the South. He crumpled the letter and stuffed it into his pocket.

The street was dirty and narrow, the pub hed come out of pumping it with rowdy noise. The Downs extended for miles in this kind of maze. Rex passed many men, snug in their doorway beds, lucky for them it was a warmer season. He hated this place. It was a monument to how unfair things had become.

Close to MidAliin Rex stopped, the usually quiet Rustlers Inn sounded slightly distressed. The girl coming out was waving her hand at the man following her. I cant Mr. Nomi I have to look after my dad. She was evidently a waitress, wearing the usual tight trousers and white shirt. She had her back away from him, slowly moving away as he stepped closer.

Come on, itll just take a moment.

She smiled, I cant.

The girl turned but he caught her arm, for a moment Rex was tempted to step in. She twisted back. Her fist caught his left cheek, throwing him off balance. Rex grinned and leant against a lamp post as the woman hurried away. Her hair, haphazardly piled on top of her head, strayed waved strands down her back and caught on the breeze as she passed him.

He watched her go, shaking his head in disbelief. The man had staggered into the Inn and now reappeared with two others. Rex moved back to the darkness of a building as the three men hurried passed him. Hed wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt but it was clear that they were after the girl. Needing to sleep but caught by a sense of duty he started after them.

Sync
December 12th, 2010, 11:50 PM
Hello, i read this and enjoyed so wanted to leave a comment.

nice opening, just enough build up, not overflowing.

I found 'the' used a bit more than it needed to be, whenever I see that it makes a point rather than a flow in the story. This could be my own dislike for 'the' and I am seeking help :)

Great characters. I wanted his fun spirit to be the reason he follows, when she kicked that first guys butt, and he grinned, I thought that would be a good character build up for him(the playful, curious, but would step in if need be sort of guy) rather than the stand up hero/duty reason.

enjoyed this piece

Sync

Madame
December 14th, 2010, 05:51 AM
Well, the first sentence certainly caught my interest. I don't know what the burning horizon is, but I want to know more. This was a good 'short intro thing' that piqued my interest. I like that the girl was able to take care of herself and that Rex only stepped in when it looked like she was going to be outnumbered. It endears me to both characters already that one is not a weakling and the other has respect for the former's ability to kick butt. I realize this is an intro, so some of the telling in the narrative is understandable, I hope your work shows us more of Rex's thoughts in the future, though, instead of having the narration explicitly tell us 'Rex likes X and doesn't like Y'. In fact, I think the piece could have worked just fine with the elimination of that sentence about Rex hating the Downs. The sentence following sums up his feelings much more poetically. Much as I enjoyed this teaser, you do need to work on your punctuation or reading your stuff is going to get tedious.


Rex looked South. Over the tops of the broken buildings, fringed by moonlight.

Second sentence is a fragment. My brain wants to drop the period after 'South' and de-capitalize 'Over'. You also can nix the comma after 'buildings'. A good rule of thumb is not to put a comma between a subject and its verb. What's fringed by moonlight? The broken buildings. Subject and verb. Kill the comma.


He’d dreaded the letter, Thorin should never have opened it, should not have told him.

The comma after letter should be a period or semicolon. Those are two separate ideas: Rex dreading the letter, and Thorin opening it.


Rex passed many men, snug in their doorway beds, lucky for them it was a warmer season.

Should be a period after 'beds' and move the comma to after 'them'.


Close to MidAliin Rex stopped, the usually quiet Rustlers Inn sounded slightly distressed.

Should be a comma after 'MidAliin'. Period after 'stopped', not a comma and capitalize 'the'.


“I can’t Mr. Nomi I have to look after my dad.”

You always need to have commas around an address. So, commas after 'can't' and 'Nomi' in this case.


She had her back away from him, slowly moving away as he stepped closer.

Who is 'him' referring to? Mr. Nomi or Rex? That's a bit confusing considering the last male mentioned in the narrative and the POV of narrative has been through Rex's eyes at this point. I think you mean Mr. Nomi, though.


She smiled, “I can’t.”

You can't smile a sentence. It's not a dialogue tag; it's an action. Should, therefore, be a period after 'smiled', not a comma.


The girl turned but he caught her arm, for a moment Rex was tempted to step in.

Should be a comma after 'turned'. 'But' is almost always going to have a comma before it as a common coordinating conjunction. Should be a period after 'arm', not a comma, and capitalize 'for'. Add a comma after 'moment', as well. Again, 'he' here isn't entirely clear.


She twisted back.

This might be more preference, but I'd start this as a new paragraph as Rex's own 'thoughts' disrupt the flow of this being in the same paragraph as the sentence where she's grabbed.


He’d wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt but it was clear that they were after the girl.

Comma after 'doubt'.


Needing to sleep but caught by a sense of duty he started after them.

This needs reworked something bad. It's a little too much telling for my tastes. I can palate 'needing to sleep', but telling us outright that Rex is 'caught be a sense of duty' makes me twitch. I know Rex is a soldier and from the brief glimpse we've seen of him, I can tell he's a good guy. Writers shouldn't need to explicitly tell the audience 'he's doing X action because of Y'. It annoys me as a reader as it feels like the author isn't crediting me with the intelligence pick up on the characterization throughout the piece.

Waste.
December 14th, 2010, 08:38 AM
Cheers Madame, I actually never noticed how grammatically crap I am.
Just one question, what makes you think that Rex is a soldier? Is it just the sentence on duty?

Madame
December 14th, 2010, 05:08 PM
Hmm... I guess I did assume there on the soldier bit. I thought I'd read it, but I guess not! Trying to figure out why. Let's see. I think it was the sense of duty, yes, and the watching at the beginning. Sitting on the rooftops and watching the South, I was just envisioning a soldier on patrol. I do apologize for that assumption.