View Full Version : H.E.A.E.I.B. Chapter 1: The beggining of war

December 12th, 2010, 02:02 PM
Before i post my story, here is a few warnings. This story is 100+ chapters long. So in time i will post them all on here. It contains characters from the bible, and historical figures from the past. This story contains war like violence. Genres are: Adventure, action, horror, sci-fi. I don't know if i did this right. It's my first time posting on here.Now you've been warned, so let's begin.
EDIT: Got rid of the attachment and also edited this chapter.

Chapter 1 :The beginning of a war.

At the beginning of time, God made good and evil. He also made the Devil to handle the evil. The Devil made his own place to rule, which became known as Hell. It was many years later that the Devil started to get greedy and jealous of God. So he tried to assassinate him, but the Gods angel guardians stopped him.
God found out about what Devil tried to do, so he made an army to protect the peace and good and to try to get rid of Devil. Unfortunately the Devil was two steps ahead of God. Not only the Devil made an grand army but he also began to take over galaxy after galaxy trying to grow his territory.
The Gods messengers and spies told God what was happening, but it was too late. Millennial years of battles and wars between God and the Devil still is in a standstill. But now, the Devil has a new base on earth. This will be the most dangerous and biggest battle for the both sides .

Hi, my name is Luke Ooma. I'm fifteen years old. My family moved to Florida when i was really young. They died when i was ten i a house fire. Because of that i became emo and silent. At school i only have a few friends. Most of the kids in my classes think I'm weird because i barely talk. I mostly wear black clothing and listen to metal. I'm a easy going kid and i love to laugh. Sometimes i have a feeling that there is going to be some thing huge happening out there. I'm also six feet tall with blond hair and my eye color is mostly all the blue colors that there are ( they change when my mood changes). I play yugioh, somewhat of a geek because i created some robot butlers and guards that guard my home when I'm gone or sleeping. I also made a underground base where me and my butlers built soldiers just in-case i get under attack or something. Anyways, my legend begins here.

It is the year 2010. Luke is sitting in his soft couch in his beautifully decorated living room: The walls are blue and Lukes pictures of his family are hung up, and there is few flowers hung up as well. His room smells like a mix of strawberries and lemon. Luke picks up his remote control and turns on his wide - flat screen that has a surround system installed into it. The phone rings in the kitchen and it startles Luke.
Luke stands up lazily and looks at the time. It's 10:30 in the morning. "Sir, it's your friend Michael." Luke's butler said.
"Thanks Aaron!" Luke replies.
"Yo Luke!" Michael says happily.
"Yo, what's up dude?" Luke asked.
"I got me some YU-GI-OH! cards! I was hoping that you would duel me!" Michael asked.
"Yeah sure! I'll come over right away!" Luke said.
"Great! I'll just tell my mom that you're coming." Michael said.
Luke hangs up the phone. "Aaron are you busy?" Luke asked his butler.
"No sir, why?" Aaron asked.
"Well, i was hoping if you can give me a lift to Michaels place." Luke asked.
"Well, sure sir. What car do you want me to drive? The limo, the normal car or the flying car?" Aaron asked.
"We'll take the normal car! I don't want to make an entrance and make people look poor!" Luke replied.
Luke enters his room: The walls are white. There's a laptop in a corner. There is a TV next to the laptop. There were posters of girls in bikinis hung up on the walls. There is a drawer next to Lukes bed which is a queen size. Luke opens an drawer that is on the wall. The drawer is full of YU-GI-OH! cards. Luke makes a deck of forty cards (which it took him a half an hour to choose which monsters, magic and traps to take). One hour later, Luke is ready to go.

Thirty minutes later: Luke gets dropped of at a rundown house. "Hmm, i don' t remember Michaels house being rundown like this." Luke said in his mind. He walks up to the door and knocks on the door which makes the door fall off the hinges.
"Hello?" Luke asked. He enters the house and inside it looked like there was a slaughter fest: Body parts and blood was everywhere. The place is dark. There is a yell in the room to the left . "That's Michaels voice!" Luke shouts by accident .
A sickening silence slices the air. Luke slowly creeps up to the room that was on the left. He stops in front of the burned and bloodied door and puts his ear on the door to listen for any sounds.
"You called somebody to help you, didn't you!" a dark, croaky and creepy voice said.
"N-no i didn't! It was j-j-just the wind!" Michael shuddered.
"The wind huh?" The croaked dark creepy voice said. Luke hears the other person in the room take out a sword.
Luke barges in. "Leave him alone!" He shouts but It was too late. The sword was deep inside Michaels heart. The figure that stood in front of Luke was red colored, had 2 horns sticking out of his head, his teeth were yellows, his eyes were blue, his feet had horseshoes, he was about five-ten feet tall, and he had a cloak on.
"Who are you?" Luke asked. The demon smiles and his bloody red tongue rolls down to the floor .
"I am the Devil!" It said. With one swoosh of the Devils cloak he was gone. Luke runs up to his half-dead friend.
"L-L-Luke ...h-h-here ...t-t-take this."Michael said. He rips a millennium chain off his neck and gives it to Luke. Luke grabs the chain and grips it tightly. A few tears drip from Lukes face onto the chain. "T-t-t-take care" Michael said. His body becomes lifeless. Luke closes Michaels eyes and stands up. The item begins to glow. A flash of light and Luke was in heaven.
Luke looks around.
"So your back Michael?" a voice asked behind Luke. Luke turns around to see Jesus himself. "Ummm, I'm sorry Jesus but I'm not Michael." Luke said sadly.
Jesus stares at him blankly then he looks down. "So, he passed away! What a brave man he was!" he said.
"He gave me this!" Luke said. He shows Jesus the chain.
Jesus grabs it and looks at it. "Follow me!" he said.
They walk across a white bridge that goes over the whole universe and heavens below. They stop at a huge white wooden door. Jesus opens it and he walks in. Luke follows him. Inside were rows stacked high filled with books that covered the entire walls and ceiling. In the middle was a huge white desk with someone sitting in it. He was 10 feet tall and he was 10 times bigger that a normal man. He had a white mustache that reached the floor.
"God, Michael has passed away, but before he did he gave this chain to this young man right here!" Jesus said.
Jesus puts the chain on the desk in front of god. Luke stares at god with his mouth open. God stares at the chain then looks at Luke. Then he laughs at Luke. "I get those stares when people see me!" God said smiling.
Luke gives a light smile. "So what do we do God?" Jesus asked.
"Jesus say hello to the one of the people that can bring the Devil down!" God said.
Jesus looks at Luke with his eyes wide open. Luke waves at Jesus. "Hi!" He said to Jesus.

"Here kid!" God said as he throws the chain to Luke. Luke catches it carefully. "I believe that you made an army of robots?" God asked.
"Yes sir, i did!" Luke said. He explains to God how he created them.
"Well that's wonderful!" God says when Luke finished explaining.
"Is it possible to see Michael again God?" Luke asked.
"I'm afraid not right now kid, he still wasn't purified and he still didn't go through judgment."God explained. "O, OK!" Luke said.
"Now off you go back to earth Luke!" Jesus said.
With just one clap of his hands, Luke was back on earth. He ended up in the front of Michaels house. "Take care my friend!" Luke mumbles and smiles. Then he takes out his cell phone and dials his butler. "Aaron, I'm ready to go home now!" Luke said.

Bilston Blue
December 12th, 2010, 11:50 PM
If I'm totally honest I didn't get halfway through it due to your poor understanding and use of English, which makes this piece quite difficult to read.

When using full stops and commas don't precede them with a space, it reads like a telegram.
Learn the correct use of the apostrophe, especially for possession. (Luke's butler / Michael's place) Though there are some correct uses.
Capitalisation; for God, I, and any names.
Dialogue: when the dialogue shifts from one person to another you should begin a new paragraph.
There are issues with tense, as you change between past and present. Choose one and stick with it. There is also a shift between first person and third person.

For these reasons I found it quite hard to focus on the story. Don't take these comments to heart, quite the opposite, use your storytelling to improve your English.

Good luck


December 13th, 2010, 12:28 PM
Ok thanks for your tips. I used third person for narrative purposes. Cause in many chapters onwards, time will pass by quickly. I agree with the commas. That was my mistake. In the nextchapters to come, i'll watch out for those mistakes.

The Prodigy
December 13th, 2010, 04:07 PM
There is a saying: don't put the cart before the horse. It means one should have a proper order of things. Understanding the structure of language and how it naturally flows, while at times complex, is vital for any piece of writing. There is a story in your writing that is a winding narrative, yet, the fundamental aspect of writing to be understood is missing. Examples:
He knocks on the door and the door falls off the hinges
He enters the house . The house looks like there was a slaughter
There is a yell in the room to the left . Luke slowly creeps up to the room to the left
My best advise: a writer can learn grammar and proper syntax from textbooks and learning aids - use these tools. But the best tool is the reading of good authors.

Keep writing.

December 13th, 2010, 05:02 PM
i think i know what ur getting at. I'll try and focus on these things in the upcoming chapters.

December 13th, 2010, 05:04 PM
I do think you have an interesting story once you get the grammar straightened out. I've always liked stories that lead up to a good battle between good and evil. Keep at it.

December 13th, 2010, 05:10 PM
Then you've got good tastes my friend. Cause this story will be massive. The only problem is the grammar.

December 13th, 2010, 06:36 PM
You should straighten out your grammar before proceeding. If you don't have that fixed an editor won't go further than the first line. Now if these chapters are just for people to read online, well that gives a bit of lee-way, but still fix what's broken before you proceed - its a good suggestion to follow.

December 13th, 2010, 07:15 PM
I just edited this chapter. Hope that it has better grammar than before.

December 14th, 2010, 12:48 AM
Your title is mis-spelled.

This story kind of reads like a comic strip. It also reminds me of those children oriented stories. I don't know what genre/audience you're after, so I won't judge until you tell me.

By the way how old are you? You sound like you're still in high school.

Then you've got good tastes my friend. Cause this story will be massive. The only problem is the grammar.

That is TERRIBLE attitude for a writer to have, to say your piece has only one problem.

December 14th, 2010, 01:50 PM
I was just agreeing with others about the grammar. I rushed through the chapter and forgot to look back. But now it's fixed. Anyways for your questions. Thiswas supposed to be a manga styled story. If i knew how to draw then it would be as a manga. well if i still lived in u.s.a then it would be my first year out of high school. And i'm 19 years old.
This is just hte beggining ofthe story. It gets darker after a few chapters. So i would say that this is betwwen teen and mature. Depending on how much blood and gore and language i put in.

December 14th, 2010, 08:17 PM
hmm, yeah it was easy to see, the dialogue and the way you tell the story reminds me of BMQ(or I think thats what it was called).

I can't tell you much since I have no clue whether this sort of "manga" style writing will work in literature, so just try it.

December 14th, 2010, 08:34 PM
ok thanks.