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View Full Version : First attempt only 185 words does it make you want to read the book.



Greg185
December 9th, 2010, 09:21 PM
Hi guys - as said this is my first ever attempt at posting anything like this.

I have written nearly 4000 words of this story and imagine that it will be a full novel when complete. This will be on the first page.


A thousand years had past since the truth had been revealed.

It hadn’t been revealed for long. To allow it to become common knowledge would have damaged the old orders of the world.

An alliance was formed between some of the oldest of enemies. An alliance so secret that of the millions of worshipers that followed the two groups only a handful were aware of their common link. The two enemies went to war with each other, countless times in countless places never knowing that they were connected by a small group that knew the truth but would die before they would allow it passed on to the masses.

So Religion continued as it always had.

Muslim and Christian separated by heir faiths but bound by a secret. For Millennia the secret keepers needed to do nothing just hide behind their Silence in both Rome and at Mecca.

Until now…..


Additionally the reader will be aware that it is a science fiction story set in the future and the action is played out on both Earth and Mars.

So my question is - Does the above make you want to read the full book.

Any input at all would be appreciated.

Thank you

Greg

Sync
December 9th, 2010, 10:29 PM
Hello Greg, Welcome to both the site and too posting :) both a necessity in learning how to improve in writing.

Your question was, if i read this blurp, would I want to know more?

then the answer is yes, for the story i would want to know about this pact. I thought of the Knights Templar and The Illuminati, and a bit about NWO so although it might not be the direction your story goes, all those thoughts lead to me wanting to know who those secret people making decisions were.

I have a hard time critiquing a blurp, because its not really the beginning of a story, so the lines sometimes jump timelines. If you post a small section of the actual story, then I can critique your writing at that time.

Once again, well done on stepping into the online writing world, showing friends is hard enough, but willingness to show strangers shows you've decide to get more serious.

thanks for the read

Sync

len_ryuka
December 10th, 2010, 04:48 AM
yeah, like above, it's definitely difficult to tell.

But what you posted sounds more like a sneak peek synopsis rather than the first 190 words of the book... because it sounds really cliched and cheesy.

for instance

"Until Now"

and the narrator's voice really sounds like those typical children's fantasy movie narration.

You sort of have me hooked though(but 187 words can hook me only so much) because I want to learn about how Muslims and Christians are getting along secretly.

or did they JUST realize that they were preaching the same god :)?