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View Full Version : An excerpt from my novel "Chidori." I'll take any critiques, comments, etc.



megalarry48
December 9th, 2010, 07:44 PM
Prologue


The Scilab XII was a satellite that orbited the earth. Scientists from every nation in the UN were chosen every decade to live on it. Through use of its advanced technology, the worlds most brilliant scientists would create things for the good of mankind. The only things that werent allowed to be created in the satellite were weapons of any kind. The UN had stated, when it had been created in 2029, that it was meant to help mankind, and anyone caught creating any type of weapon or war machine would be immediately ejected. This was a very rare thing, though, and the Scilab was successful for several years, yet, on Wednesday, April 5th, 2099, the Scilab, without any warning, exploded. Amidst the debris, seven pods plummeted down to the earth .One of the pods clipped flying debris, altering it off course, and it plummeted towards the US.
















1



Genius: a word many people used to describe Luke Wilson. It was true, though, I mean, how many people do you know that graduated from high school at age 15? Luke had never known his parents, but he had been blessed with a sharp mind and a work ethic you wouldnt expect from someone his age. Luke now attended college at Tampa University, which was located in (surprise!) downtown Tampa. He lived in a small house alone in an area called Brandon. Luke was born and raised in Florida-which explained why he chose to stay there. It was like an oven in his house, due to the fact that his AC unit had stopped working nearly a week ago, and the repair guy wasnt coming until Friday. Luke sat at his work desk located in his messy room, a fan blowing in his face. He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his spiky orange bangs. He blinked sweat from his light-green eyes. Luke was off from school during the spring, but he refused to relax. He was already designing something for the military (Of course, the military was providing the funds and parts for it, along with his shockingly high pay). With this, Ill be able to buy a million air conditioning units, Luke thought with a grin. He was designing a new type of portable battle armor. It was incredibly small, a flat, round, red emblem smaller than a Frisbee. In theory, a soldier could simply put the little emblem on their chest and with a single thought, cause the armor to extend to fit them perfectly. Luke had actually tried it on himself a few days ago, but it hadnt stretched out to fit Luke, even though he was only roughly five-foot nine. The sensors need more adjusting
He had already added a weapon that would form on the users right hand as the armor was activated. It was a large plasma cannon that could punch through ten feet of concrete with a green ray of pulsing energy. Weapons like that required a lot of energy to fire, but Luke had added a rechargeable solar energy pack. Luke stood up slowly, stretching slowly. Even geniuses need fresh air after a while. Luke walked out into his small backyard. He stared at the large, man-made lake that lay several yards beyond his house. The houses in the neighborhood were separated by about one hundred yards-another reason Luke had picked this house-the neighbors wouldnt have a problem with conducting tests on his suit because he was so far away (Some of the tests were rather noisy and dangerous). Luke sighed again as the blazing Florida sun shined down on his head. Well, if it wasnt so hot, Id stay out longer, he told himself as he turned to head back inside.

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!


Luke whirled in time to see something plummet from the sky. The object smashed into the shallows of the lake with a sound halfway between a loud splash and a boom. Luke stood rooted to the spot, his mind temporarily frozen with shock. Gradually, he began to process the fact that something had just fallen into the lake. Luke, being a scientist, began to get curious, even though the logical part of his mind screamed at him to run inside and call the police. Luke cautiously approached the object as the smoke cleared. It was some sort of pod. It was round and pill-shaped, about six feet long and about eight feet wide. The pod was silver and had no visible sign of an opening of any kind. Is it space junk?Did it fall from a plane? Lukes mind was abuzz with questions that he had no answers for. The pod suddenly emitted a low hissing noise, and its surface seemed to split in half. Luke watched in shock as a girls face came into view. A persons in there?! The girls eyes were closed, and she had a relaxed look on her face, as if in a deep sleep. She looked Japanese; long dark hair, fair skin. The girl was very pretty, though Luke was still too shocked to notice at the moment. Hey, Luke said, shaking one of her exposed shoulders, Hey! Wake up! No response. Luke stepped into the shallows and grabbing the girl by her shoulders, eased her out of the pod. Something rolled out of the pod and landed in the water as he did so. It appeared to be a Japanese sword with a wooden sheath, but when Luke picked it up, it was hard and smooth. Metal, he realized. The antiquated-looking weapon was rectangular in shape and from the length Luke had to guess it had a two-foot blade-more or less. Luke glanced back at the girl. She was wearing a mud-brown, shirt-like garment that went down to her knees. The girl mustve been about Lukes age: sixteen or seventeen. Luke sighed and picked up the girl and the sword, which he assumed was hers. Luke happened to notice something engraved on the sword. There were two symbols on the handle. They were Japanese characters. Luke knew a fair amount of Japanese, so he quickly figured out what it said
千鳥(Chidori)

citygirl
December 11th, 2010, 07:41 AM
To make this easier to read, I think that it should be broken into paragraphs and double-spaced. Otherwise, it seems interesting, and I encourage you to keep writing...good luck....