View Full Version : An excerpt from my novel "Chidori" that I wrote through high school

December 9th, 2010, 07:43 PM

The Scilab XII was a satellite that orbited the earth. Scientists from every nation in the UN were chosen every decade to live on it. Through use of its advanced technology, the world’s most brilliant scientists would create things for the good of mankind. The only things that weren’t allowed to be created in the satellite were weapons of any kind. The UN had stated, when it had been created in 2029, that it was meant to help mankind, and anyone caught creating any type of weapon or war machine would be immediately ejected. This was a very rare thing, though, and the Scilab was successful for several years, yet, on Wednesday, April 5th, 2099, the Scilab, without any warning, exploded. Amidst the debris, seven pods plummeted down to the earth .One of the pods clipped flying debris, altering it off course, and it plummeted towards the US….


Genius: a word many people used to describe Luke Wilson. It was true, though, I mean, how many people do you know that graduated from high school at age 15? Luke had never known his parents, but he had been blessed with a sharp mind and a work ethic you wouldn’t expect from someone his age. Luke now attended college at Tampa University, which was located in (surprise!) downtown Tampa. He lived in a small house alone in an area called Brandon. Luke was born and raised in Florida-which explained why he chose to stay there. It was like an oven in his house, due to the fact that his AC unit had stopped working nearly a week ago, and the repair guy wasn’t coming until Friday. Luke sat at his work desk located in his messy room, a fan blowing in his face. He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his spiky orange bangs. He blinked sweat from his light-green eyes. Luke was off from school during the spring, but he refused to relax. He was already designing something for the military (Of course, the military was providing the funds and parts for it, along with his shockingly high pay). With this, I’ll be able to buy a million air conditioning units, Luke thought with a grin. He was designing a new type of portable battle armor. It was incredibly small, a flat, round, red emblem smaller than a Frisbee. In theory, a soldier could simply put the little emblem on their chest and with a single thought, cause the armor to extend to fit them perfectly. Luke had actually tried it on himself a few days ago, but it hadn’t stretched out to fit Luke, even though he was only roughly five-foot nine. The sensors need more adjusting…
He had already added a weapon that would form on the user’s right hand as the armor was activated. It was a large plasma cannon that could punch through ten feet of concrete with a green ray of pulsing energy. Weapons like that required a lot of energy to fire, but Luke had added a rechargeable solar energy pack. Luke stood up slowly, stretching slowly. Even geniuses need fresh air after a while. Luke walked out into his small backyard. He stared at the large, man-made lake that lay several yards beyond his house. The houses in the neighborhood were separated by about one hundred yards-another reason Luke had picked this house-the neighbors wouldn’t have a problem with conducting tests on his suit because he was so far away (Some of the tests were rather noisy and dangerous). Luke sighed again as the blazing Florida sun shined down on his head. Well, if it wasn’t so hot, I’d stay out longer, he told himself as he turned to head back inside.


Luke whirled in time to see something plummet from the sky. The object smashed into the shallows of the lake with a sound halfway between a loud splash and a boom. Luke stood rooted to the spot, his mind temporarily frozen with shock. Gradually, he began to process the fact that something had just fallen into the lake. Luke, being a scientist, began to get curious, even though the logical part of his mind screamed at him to run inside and call the police. Luke cautiously approached the object as the smoke cleared. It was some sort of pod. It was round and pill-shaped, about six feet long and about eight feet wide. The pod was silver and had no visible sign of an opening of any kind. Is it space junk?Did it fall from a plane? Luke’s mind was abuzz with questions that he had no answers for. The pod suddenly emitted a low hissing noise, and its surface seemed to split in half. Luke watched in shock as a girl’s face came into view. A person’s in there?! The girl’s eyes were closed, and she had a relaxed look on her face, as if in a deep sleep. She looked Japanese; long dark hair, fair skin. The girl was very pretty, though Luke was still too shocked to notice at the moment. “Hey,” Luke said, shaking one of her exposed shoulders, “Hey! Wake up!” No response. Luke stepped into the shallows and grabbing the girl by her shoulders, eased her out of the pod. Something rolled out of the pod and landed in the water as he did so. It appeared to be a Japanese sword with a wooden sheath, but when Luke picked it up, it was hard and smooth. Metal, he realized. The antiquated-looking weapon was rectangular in shape and from the length Luke had to guess it had a two-foot blade-more or less. Luke glanced back at the girl. She was wearing a mud-brown, shirt-like garment that went down to her knees. The girl must’ve been about Luke’s age: sixteen or seventeen. Luke sighed and picked up the girl and the sword, which he assumed was hers. Luke happened to notice something engraved on the sword. There were two symbols on the handle. They were Japanese characters. Luke knew a fair amount of Japanese, so he quickly figured out what it said

Jane Martin
December 12th, 2010, 06:27 PM
Okay, to be fair I don't like sci-fi so I'm automatically biased here. One thing jumped out at me- so many of your sentences start with 'Luke', its very repetitive. Also, you frequently use his name in a sentence instead of just a pronoun. I would try to edit to vary this a bit, it gets a bit overwhelming.

Jane Martin
December 12th, 2010, 06:28 PM
I meant to say also that whilst I dont like sci-fi, you seem to have a clear vision of what you are bringing to this story and I think that's important if it's going to be enjoyed by an adult reader.

Guy Faukes
December 12th, 2010, 09:59 PM

From experience, unfortunately, I can see your inspirations from anime and even some from Iron Man.

The Prodigy
December 13th, 2010, 04:49 PM
I remember my stuff from high school....so long ago.

One word and then its definition for a character is a great way to begin a story that has such a tremendous validity on the precept of its young protagonist (I'm assuming here), however it seemed rushed. Incorporate the nature of his intellect into the story. Perhaps have your character on a the end of a conference call with the military, or describe the medals or awards or their absence from his living space to explain his achievements and incredible ability without simply stating them. Its more interesting that way.

As mentioned, use more pronouns and ways to be concise in the writing material. The part describing his back yard and proximity to others and the lake could be easily tweaked. Describe what he is seeing, which allows you as the writer to sweep me the reader into this world you've created. And once that is done, it doesn't matter if the story has gleaning from other sci-fi narratives. They won't be Chidori.

I like high school of long ago; it gave me all the time I needed to write all day. So, to be overly dramatic and to honor those days I say: Write and you shall succeed. Also, be willing to read the writings of others and critique like crazy. It will make you better in the end.

Enjoyed it.

December 14th, 2010, 12:57 AM
when i was living in Japan, the pharmacy beside my apartment was called Chidori pharmacy haha..

also the main heroine from Full Metal Panic is named Chidori

Chidori is quite the common surname in Japan.

and yes, it means 1000 birds.

December 19th, 2010, 06:32 AM
hmm...is that necessarily a bad thing?

December 19th, 2010, 08:47 PM
really depends how you use "chidori"

we'll see