PDA

View Full Version : Through The Leafless Trees (125 words)



Sock
December 8th, 2010, 10:11 PM
Funny business this is, looking for strangers in the woods. Michael`s boot squeezed the cigarette butt into the slush. Running a mitten across his head, correcting the part of his snow speckled hair, he gazed out through the gaps between the leafless trees, studying the not so distant highway. Michael had never seen anyone in this particular woodlot, but there were foot prints snaking through the sparse maple tree, trampling the frozen thicket. Someone might pass. He sat on a log and lit another cigarette, losing count.

If anyone asked him why he came to this brush he would say, ``to be alone and to think...`` Of course, he knew the truth. His motivation was quite the opposite: he went there to find someone and to forget.

VcatoV
December 8th, 2010, 10:37 PM
It seems like you wanted to play off of the element of suspense for your character--and after finishing it, I can say that there are indeed a lot of questions about "Michael". It probably has a lot to do with the succinctness of it, but though I find your character mysterious, there is very little in the story to "connect to", meaning that he is a mysterious yet detached character. I'm not saying necessarily to change the action (I love his response), and you do indeed have some elements of characterization (the cigarettes in particular), but I would add a little to try and connect with the reader-give us a reason why we should be interested in this mysterious man.

citygirl
December 11th, 2010, 07:53 AM
I like the title, and so far, I feel that I would want to read more...there is a sense of mystery. You are very descriptive, and set a mood, to draw the reader inů.

Sync
December 11th, 2010, 01:33 PM
hello

You have a tense shift in the first sentence. - this is - when the story is told in past tense.

I see a few more, those 'ing' words in past tense, though push a movement of sorts into a past action, can be shown better if placed solidly in the past. In this piece you have present, past and past perfected. so too many.

The other thing is that you don't stay long enough on a particular image, so though descriptive in a way, they don't rest long enough in my mind before you move on. the leafless trees, the distant highway.

If this is flash fiction, I can see the whole story, which is good, but I have no attachment to his suffering, why he wants to get away, some sort of hint would help with an empathy.

thanks for the read

Sync