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bearycool
December 4th, 2010, 09:42 AM
This is chapter three of the story. The 2nd chapter is about Aaron, the first protagonist, and chapter 3 is about Stan, the second protagonist. The first chapter is the introduction, taking place later into the future. (There is a word for that time of introduction, but forgot what it was...)


Stan’s parents were gone once again…
“Probably off partying somewhere…” whispered Stan, as he was watching TV in his small apartment bedroom.
It was dusk outside, but Stan didn’t know this because he closed the curtains on the windows. He also turned off the lights in his room, so that the only light in his room was the TV’s. Stan was eating a cheese sandwich and watching some show about how food is made.
“Ewwwwww, that’s gross dude,” cried out Stan as he saw a pig getting slaughtered on the screen. He took a bite of his sandwich and looked at the time. The clock read 8 PM.
“I still have time! Besides, I want to see what happens next!” Therefore, with a quiet stare, he continued to look at the screen.

It was 12 AM before he decided to shut off the TV. He looked up and gave his ceiling a poker face. He now began to wonder if college would be better then high school.
“Probably not,” he said out loud, “most likely God will just mess it up even worse for me… even worse…”
His poker face turned into a strained frown as the memory came flooding back.

It was the first day of high school. The air was teaming with life all around him. Everyone was pushing and shoving along the warm air. Stan looked down at his schedule and was looking for the quickest way to his English class. He was extremely excited, all of his friends would be in that class and he was sure that they would make the beginning of the day less boring.
As he was making his way around a curve, Stan suddenly lost his balance and felled face first onto the ground. Just before he left for school, he forgot to zip up his backpack, so as he fell to the ground his papers and belongings flew and sprawl all around him. He was dazed and was wondering what just happened. He heard a buzzing sound in his ear and realized that it was laughter. He crooked his neck and looked up. Three bulky guys were staring at the scrawny body of Stan and each one of their faces seemed to be glued with maniacal laughter.
“Well well well…. It looks like you dropped your papers,” Said the man in the middle of three.
He was taller than the other two, and had the biggest toned muscles of the trio. He had short dark hair that seemed to only make him ever so more intimidating, and the way his teeth glittered only magnified it.
“Great…” thought Stan, “the first day of school, and already I have humiliated myself… plus not to mention these three…”
“Hey, what’s with the smirk,” the one on the right asked
“Oh nothing, just admiring how you guys are picking on a scrawny thing like me!”
“What’s that suppose to mean,” Asked the man on the left.
“I don’t know, maybe just that you’re just one of those clichéd bullies that everyone reads in stories.”
“Oh smart alec are we,” said the man in the middle, “well how about this? We’ll give you our names; you don’t see that usually in stories do you?”
“Actually you d-”
“Shut it! Anyway, our names are this; this is James to my left, this is Charles to me righ-“
“Charles, who names there kid char-“
“Hey, didn’t your mom tell you to ever shut up when a superior is talking?!”
“Nope, in fact my mom just parties all day so she never taught me anything. And even if she didn’t, I wouldn’t think twice of you being a superior over me!”
“Well, my name is Josh, and…” Josh stopped and began to grab Stan by the shirt, “…and we’re going to teach you what your mom forgot to do after her drunken parties…”
Josh begins to make a fist; the other two to the side of him begin to crack their knuckles. Stan looks around for the first time and just began to realize how many people herded around them during the short amount of time that elapsed from him dropping his papers. It did not matter anymore though, he knew the outcome of this fight, and he did not like it. Nevertheless, he closed his eyes and waited for the punch to come. However, the punch never came to his skull because a voice shot out from the crowd.
“Just what the hell is going on here?!” The voice rang out.
“Mrs. Tutak,” Josh said with an astonished voice.
The teacher he called “Mrs. Tutak,” was slowly making her way towards the center where Stan was. She was a stout woman who seemed to be in her mid 30’s. She had long hair, and had a face that seemed forever frozen in a horrific deadeye stare.
Josh suddenly released his grip on Stan and allowed him to fall butt first onto the ground. Charles and James had the same stare of horror as Josh did as Mrs. Tutak finally made her way to the center.
“You were doing it again, weren’t you,” asked Mrs. Tutak.
“No Mrs. Tutak! We were just helping this guy with his papers,” replied Josh in a timid voice.
“Yeah, that’s as likely as you becoming the valedictorian and having one of the highest GPAs in the state!”
“But….”
“No buts,” cried out Mrs. Tutak in a girly tone, but still seemed to shake the ground.
“But,”
“Weren’t you taught this in kindergarten?! I said no buts! Now leave before I call an administrator down!”
“Yes ma’am,” they quickly replied and scurried off in the other direction.
Mrs. Tutak was still staring at where they were last standing; her eyes seemed to fixate on that exact spot. She blinked finally, and let out a long sigh. She turned around and looked at the crowd around her.
“Well, what are you waiting for? GET TO CLASS!” and without another word to tell them otherwise, the group disbanded.
She took a deep breath and turned towards Stan.
“And you,” She barked, “shouldn’t you be in class?”
“Y-yes, but I don’t know where it is!”
“Then let me see your schedule,” she replied.
Stan looked around the pile of papers on the floor and finally found his schedule under a green notebook. He handed the paper to her, in which she grabbed and began to skim through.
“Ah, it looks like you’re with me! Well in that case, the class is right to the other side of the corner that you were, um, almost beaten by.”
She seemed awkward for the first time, but it was gone within a millisecond and she was back to her original deadeye face.
“Anyway, you might as well come in with me, and also you’re late so that will count as a home call home.”
“But…”
“Didn’t you hear what I said to Josh, no buts!!! Must I spell that word out for you?!”
“No ma’am,” Stan replied in an almost military manner.
“Very well, come along then… unless you want a detention with that phone call.”
As Stan squatted down to pick up the rest of his papers, he thought that this was just the first day of school. Of course it was the hardest of them all, so that meant that everything would become better for him later on, wouldn’t it? Stan sighed and began to walk towards the classroom door that she pointed to.

Stan couldn’t handle thinking of the memory any longer. He slammed his hand right on the side of the bed, setting vibrations on the wall.
“It never got better,” Stan cried out, “It only got worse!”
He kept pounding the wall until he couldn’t feel it anymore. He held his bruised hand and began to cry in a fetal position. He didn’t want to think about anything about his past anymore, he didn’t want to think of the pain. All he wanted to do was sleep. And so, with a tear-stained face, he finally fell asleep at 1:00 AM.

It was 6:15 AM when Stan wearily woke up. He felt his hand was sore from the pounding he put it through last night. He groaned and gazed at the clock on his wall. He then sore under his breath and began to get dress. It was 6:20 when he got breakfast, his mom and dad passed out on the floor. At 6:30 he took a shower, and finally at 6:45 he was out of the house with a bottle of beer he stole from his dad’s stash. He walked a few paces to a blue, broken up, mustang. Stan looked back at the apartment from the parking lot and said quietly, “see you never…” and without another word, he opened the door to the car and started the ignition.

It was cold inside the hull of the car, but it did not matter to Stan at all since he was use to being cold, physically or mentally. He took a swig of the beer he took from the house and looked at the watch on his wrist.
“8:30 A.M.” was what the watch read.
Stan repeatedly swore the same curse word over in his mind repeatedly. He was still 20 miles away from Boulder and would not make it in the allotted time with the rust bucket he was riding in.
“Well, so much for a new start…” He whispered to himself, his breath coming out in wisps.
He sighed and began to look outside. The area he was in still seemed to be in an eternal winter. The entire ground around the rode was still in a dead slumber, with snow packed on top of it. He could not believe that it was like this in the beginning of September, especially when he was in the warmer part of the mountains.
“Just my luck I suppose….”
He sighed and looked up at a passing cliff face to keep the feeling of despair away. He crooked his neck up to see the top of the cliff and gasped. Up on top of the cliff was a face looking down at him. He was petrified with fear, and he would have driven the car off the road if it were not for a snow bank. His head pushed back and forth like a bobble head as the car drilled into the snow.
“Crap…” He spat out in pain.
His head was on the wheel, with the air bag failing to employ. He moved it back up into position and cracked his neck to ease the pain.
“Again, just my luck… what more surprises do you have for me God?”
He craned his neck out the window, towards the cliff. The face was not there anymore.
“Probably just an illusion from drinking this crap,” he replied to himself.
He threw the half-drunken beer out the window, spilling amber liquid onto the ground, and pulled the car in reverse. He kept telling himself, as he was making his way back on the road, that it was just a retarded illusion created by the beer. He checked his clock, which read 8:40.
“Whatever man, I better shut my mouth and just begin flooring it to Boulder…”
It never occurred in his mind again after that day. He always had something clawing the back of his mind, but he just ignored, he never much enjoyed thinking over unknown stuff like this. Besides, all he was worried about was making it to school before the final bell. That was Stan, jumping from one place to the next without worrying about what was to come of it later on…

Draxia
December 4th, 2010, 12:25 PM
Your piece is filled with anxiety. Your protagonist is waiting for something. What is he waiting for?

Olly Buckle
December 4th, 2010, 05:15 PM
Stan’s parents were gone once again “Probably off partying somewhere…” whispered Stan, as he was watching TV in his small apartment bedroom. It reads as though it is his apartment rather than his bedroom.
It was dusk outside, but Stan didn’t know this because he closed the curtains on the windows. He also turned off the lights in his room, so that the only light in his room was the TV’s. Stan was eating a cheese sandwich and watching some show a show. about how food is made.
“Ewwwwww, that’s gross dude,” cried out Stan as he saw a pig getting slaughtered on the screen. He took a bite of his sandwich and looked at the time. The clock read 8 PM.
“I still have time! Besides, I want to see what happens next!” Therefore, with a quiet stare, he continued to look at the screen. The stare and the look are the same thing, why not combine them. “So he carried on staring quietly at the screen”,

It was 12 AM am and pm for twelve always confuse me, I like 12 noon, 12 midnight before he decided to shut off the TV. He looked up and gave his ceiling a poker face. He now began to and? You would have to lose the one before “gave” and put a comma wonder if college would be better then high school.
“Probably not,” he said out loud, “most likely God will just mess it up even worse for me… even worse…”
His poker face turned into a strained frown as the memory came flooding back.

It was the first day of high school. The air was teaming Wrong sort of teeming, besides it makes it sound like there is a swarm of flies or something, buzzing? Bit cliché. with life all around him. Everyone was pushing and shoving along in the warm air. Stan looked down at his schedule and was looking lose this and it becomes clearer for the quickest way to his English class. He was extremely excited, all of his friends would be in that class and he was sure that they would make the beginning of the day less boring. He was extremely exited that it would be less boring? They should “make the beginning of the day.”
As he was making his way around a curve, Stan suddenly lost his balance and felled fell, was felled face first onto the ground. Just Horrid word, take it away, what does it add? before he left for school, he forgot to zip up his backpack, so as he fell to the ground his papers and belongings flew past and sprawl present all around him. He was dazed and was you could lose the second one wondering what just happened. He heard a buzzing sound in his ear and realized that it was laughter. He crooked his neck and looked up. Three sentences starting “He”, I find it tends to happen when I am caught up writing action. Three bulky guys were staring at the scrawny body of Stan and each one of all?their faces seemed to be glued with maniacal laughter. It doesn’t work “... in expressions of .. “ ?
“Well well well…. It looks like you dropped your papers,” Said the man ? in the middle of three lose.
He was taller than the other two, and had the biggest , best- toned muscles of the trio. He had “His” for variation, comma between short and dark, lose “that after “hair”, then lose “only” and “ever so” intimidating is short and curt so full stop (period?) “Glittering teeth magnified the effect” short dark hair that seemed to only make him ever so more intimidating, and the way his teeth glittered only magnified it.
All for now, except to say “pretty good” and teachers don’t say “Just what’s going on here?” they say “What, exactly, is going on here!”

Val Yazon
December 5th, 2010, 06:28 AM
Is this guy gonna shoot someone later on?

bearycool
December 7th, 2010, 07:01 PM
Thank you Olly for the Editing ideas, I'll go through again and see what I can do.
As for the others, your replies have made me believe that I have made Stan Eddin's character just what I wanted him to be. What is he waiting for, most likely a better life, redemption, a place to belong in. Will he get that, I'm not telling ;). Let's just say he'll probably be more important than the first protagonist, Aaron.

Is this guy gonna shoot someone later on?
Again, I'm not tell you that either ;). Again, let's just say he's going to do something that no one would expect him to do, but it has been in his heart the entirety of the story. Is it good or bad, you'll have to wait...

P.S. any other critiques are welcomed.