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Sir.
December 3rd, 2010, 02:00 AM
Read some great post social breakdown pieces recently so I thought I'd have a go

I knew I should kill him; the weight of the gun was heavy in my hand. It was the one thing that Cassie had always said, if you meet anyone, anyone at all shoot them, and shoot them dead. He was different though, he was older or at least he looked older, he had a beard at any rate and his hair hadnt got any proper colour in it, just grey. His skin was brown, that wasnt normal, me and Cassie werent brown and he was all liney like an overripe fruit, his clothes were a mess as well. A raggedy suit it looked like it might have been nice once, now it was just covered in dust.

Please dont kill me his voice was wrong as well not smooth, sort of broken and raggedy like his suit was, Cassie had always said to kill anything that wasnt right.

stay still I need to shoot you I said, now my voice didnt sound right it was too squeaky and not loud enough maybe I should shout it again in case this man didnt hear me it was so quiet. The man was leaning against one of the pillars now, slipping down to the floor to sit there. It was just us two of us in here, Cassie had gone to take some food from the store that was across the road. We were in something called a CAR PARK it was empty apart from dust and something called a clio lying on its side in the far corner, the suffling of the man cuased another shower of dust to fall from the dull ceiling above his' pillar. I hate being inside, I thought, the sky is so much more open than in here, you dont ever feel trapped when your out.

You are going to drop your gun if youre not careful the old man weazed, my stupid hand had virtually fallen off becuase of the weight of the stupid gun, why cant I be strong like Cassidy?

Have you got anything I can drink,

Why should I give you any of my water?

You have water? the dirty man suddenly started, as if to jump at me,

I have a gun too, was my surprising response; it made him stop, the room was really cold, must have bee the whole time but I only just noticed.There were about six or seven of the pillars the man was leaning on, then a low ceiling, a dull clay yellow, then the clio over in the far corner next to the big swingy ramp me and Cassie had walked down. There was rubbish in the corner behind me, thats where the man had been hiding, hed waited till Cassie had gone, to get me, but he didnt reliase that Cassie left me with the gun. So just sit really still and then Cassie will come back and then well see

so after all this time Ive spent hiding Im going to be killed by a kid, a little kid, - how old are you kid? he chuckled not tat thats important but Id like to know anyways

Twelve

Twelve, huh, well it couldv been worse... could have been worse, twelve- I gess that means you have no idea how it got like this then, have you ?

I didnt say anything. I knew what Cassie had told me, that one time things had been different better, but they werent like that now so it wasnt important. I backed away from the man to the pillar opposite him, leant against it till I was sitting on the floor looking at him, his eyes were sunken back into his head like they were in little caves. He chuckled again,

would you like to know

No

No? - Why not

Its not important, we are where we are and thats what needs attention this is what
Cassie had always said when I asked about the time before, the time that was supposed to have been better.

Well we have time now. That is if youre still waiting for your freind to come back before you kill me?

I couldn't argue with this, why not he was right when Cassie came back He'd be killed, killed dead.
fine tell me then

munsungun
December 3rd, 2010, 09:17 PM
This is a nice way to fill in back story. Looks like you started the story in the right place.

Bilston Blue
December 3rd, 2010, 10:18 PM
I knew I should kill him; the weight of the gun was heavy in my hand (I would move this, it interrupts the sentences before and after, which are strongly linked). It was the one thing that Cassie had always said, if you meet anyone, anyone at all shoot them, and shoot them dead. He was different though, he was older, or at least he looked older; he had a beard at any rate (delete) and his hair hadnt got any proper colour in it, just grey. His skin was brown, that wasnt normal, me and Cassie werent brown (delete, if being brown wasn't normal then the reader will understand that the narrator and Cassie aren't brown), and he was all liney like an overripe fruit. His clothes were a mess too; a raggedy suit which looked like it might have been nice once was just (weak word, not necessary) covered in dust.

Please dont kill me. His voice was wrong as well not smooth, sort of broken and raggedy like his suit. was (unecessary word) Cassie had always said to kill anything that wasnt right.

Stay still I need to shoot you. I said. Now my voice didnt sound right, it was too squeaky and not loud enough maybe I should shout it again in case this man didnt hear me it was so quiet. You've already told us your voice was not loud enough, so this is a repetition. The man was leaning against one of the pillars now, slipping down to the floor to sit there. It was just us two of us in here, Cassie had gone to take some food from the store that was across the road. We were in something called a CAR PARK. It was empty apart from dust and something called a Clio lying on its side in the far corner, the shuffling of the man caused another shower of dust to fall from the dull (Are car park ceilings ever anything else?) ceiling above his pillar. I hate being inside, I thought, the sky is so much more open than in here, you dont ever feel trapped when your out.

You are going to drop your gun if youre not careful. the old man wheezed. My stupid hand had virtually fallen off becuase of the weight of the stupid gun, why cant I be strong like Cassidy? (Are both your hand and the gun stupid? Is this necessary? Cut both stupids out and the sentence doesn't lose weight, or is the use of these words due to the voice of the young age of the narrator?

Have you got anything I can drink?

Why should I give you any of my water?

You have water? The dirty man suddenly started, as if to jump at me.

I have a gun too, was my surprising response. It made him stop. The room was really cold, must have bee the whole time but I only just noticed. There were about six or seven (How many? Six or seven, the sentence is stronger if you tell us instead of guessing, after all, the narrator can see them.)of the pillars the man was leaning on, then a low ceiling, a dull clay yellow, then the Clio over in the far corner next to the big swingy ramp me and Cassie had walked down. There was rubbish in the corner behind me, thats (weak word, uneccesary)where the man had been hiding. hed waited till Cassie had gone, to get me (sounds like Cassie had gone to get you which is not what you intend it to read like, I believe.), but he didnt reliase that Cassie left me with the gun. So just sit really still and then Cassie will come back and then well see.

So after all this time Ive spent hiding Im going to be killed by a kid, a little kid, - how old are you kid? he chuckled, not tat thats important but Id like to know anyways.

Twelve.

Twelve, huh, well it couldve been worse... could have been worse, twelve- I guess that means you have no idea how it got like this then, have you ?

I didnt say anything. I knew what Cassie had told me, that one time things had been different, better, but they werent like that now so it wasnt important. I backed away from the man to the pillar opposite him, leant against it till (Use the correct word, until. It reads better, and it doesn't alter your character's voice.) I was sitting on the floor looking at him, his eyes were sunken back into his head like they were in little caves. He chuckled again.

Would you like to know?

No."

No? Why not?

Its not important, we are where we are and thats what needs attention. This is what
Cassie had always said when I asked about the time before, the time that was supposed to have been better.

Well we have time now. That is if youre still waiting for your friend to come back before you kill me?

I couldn't argue with this, why not, (Not needed. The sentence is equally as strong without this sentence.) He was right, when Cassie came back he'd be killed, killed dead.

Fine, tell me then.
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There are some amendments I've made here which I think would make the piece stronger. Some sentence structure work, and various punctuation and capitalisation changes. I hope you feel they work.

On a story level what you have here works for me. I want to know how things changed to the way they are now. Keep going and good luck.

:salut:

Scott

romero
December 4th, 2010, 12:44 AM
Great way to start a story. Suckers you in and makes you want to learn more. Let's see some more :D

Sir.
December 5th, 2010, 08:11 PM
despite my dismay at my reoccurring grammatical failure I am over the moon that it achieved its aim and drew you guys in.

len_ryuka
December 6th, 2010, 06:33 AM
" It was just us two of us in here"

That's a typo

Umm, conceptual wise, it's not too bad. I genuinely think the kid could be a little older, because to be honest it's told from a First person view and his language sounds A LOT more mature than 12. Like... at 12 I dont think I could be THAT grammatically accurate and all, he sounds like he's 20+.

Other wise you'd probably wanna specify the gun in his hand. Pistol or rifle? Because pistols aren't that heavy, it doesn't take a big kid to keep it held for hours on end.

Corrus
December 6th, 2010, 02:19 PM
Plenty of uncorrected errors in both spelling and grammar, lacking proper punctuation and nothing in it to really keep me reading after the first few paragraphs. Bliston Blue has pointed most of them out so you should really edit it if you want people to keep reading.