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View Full Version : I'd label this romance, I guess?



Pandaemonium
December 2nd, 2010, 03:14 AM
I hold out my hand to you. You're hesitant to take it at first, as if pondering upon your own safety. Then you smile as if to reassure me that you aren't scared, and you take it, and I smile as if to tell you that your hand feels warm against mine. I tell you that we're going on an adventure and you smile some more.

We elope up the stairs like superstitious dancers, daring the cracks. And when we reach the point of no return, I surprise you with a kiss. It's long and beautiful, the way it is in fiction and fantasy.

I lean back and I frown at you in such a way. I question each of your eyes.
Will you love me back?
I dare you to question my sincerity.

And with my eyes I tell you I have to kiss you again. And there's nothing but our magnetic gaze. There's nothing but the moment and all is deathly silent. Time has ceased for a while and we are utterly alone.

You look away.

One, two, three, four, five seconds pass and the cold air is alive and suffocating, like invisible tendrils. And then you start to shiver uncontrollably. I cock my head to find your eyes. To recapture your gaze. To comfort you. But your eyes are distant and you're looking straight through me at the door.

And I can't help smiling.
I tell you that the door is locked.





this is. But was the ending too obvious? I think I need to work on twisting.]

Bilston Blue
December 2nd, 2010, 02:49 PM
I couldn't possibly say whether this is romance or not, as defined by the romance genre. To answer the question you ask about the ending being obvious, I don't think it was. I wasn't expecting a twist, and it arrived with subtlety, in the final words, as we discover the door is locked and the 'you' character is now a prisoner. I think it works as a twist.

Deathly silent, utterly alone; silence is silence, alone is alone.

'We elope up the stairs like superstitious dancers, daring the cracks.' - This is beautiful, evocative. I have a clear image in my mind of this scene and you cause that to happen with few and simple words.

Pandaemonium
December 2nd, 2010, 11:38 PM
Thank you for your kind words, good sir.
I do think that silence can be depicted differently in each atmosphere though, and i thought utterly might incite a bit more solitude and desperation to just being 'alone'.

romero
December 4th, 2010, 12:37 AM
Nice. Flash fiction can be the hardest thing to write, I reckon. But you managed to pull off a pretty neat twist so well done :D

Draxia
December 4th, 2010, 04:56 AM
No, don't start with YOU. Who is you? It could be anyone, but any old "you."

Your story is only 50% of what it could be. Don't presume to speak for the other half. Don't speak for anyone else but you.

Don't speak for anyone else but yourself.

Pandaemonium
December 4th, 2010, 06:00 PM
Thanksss romero :)
Draxia, thanks but I don't understand what you mean! sorry :/ Did you mean the 2nd person narrative kind of thing?