View Full Version : Stolen Eternity

December 1st, 2010, 05:04 AM
kordain here, got another fantasy tale to give you? grammar and puncutation is always helpful but i really want to know about plot, characters, and description? tell me what you what described in more detail? show me where i have contradictions in my facts(it is likely)? what do you think of the characters and their dialogue? does the plot(the small one ate that) sound good? finally does the story pull you in? i dont' expect many to read it in its entirety, if you don't tell me why. read and enjoy.

“Ogre Hawk!” yelled one man as he unsheathed his sword. Several others in their party from the kingdom of Mark and their allies donned varying weapons. Alejan unslung his short bow, nocked and fired at the Ogre Hawk, the arrow struck the large creature in the shoulder but its thick hide and feathers protected it from such weapons, with little power such as Alejan’s. Ape men known as Nokars charged Alejan’s party, chimps bounded over their heads as larger gorillas smashed into the front line. Alejan was about to fire at the Ogre Hawk again when a chimp leapt off a man’s shoulders toward Alejan, he released the bow string and the arrow struck the creature in the eye. Alejan stepped aside and the chimp landed beside him.

A Lizarfos, a Markish ally nimbly leapt aside from the ogre Hawk’s clawed wing. Before the creature could recall its arm the Liszalfos jumped and brought his scimitar down on the Ogre Hawk's arm, purple blood slowly leaked from the wound and also stained the lizarfos’s brown and green scales. The Ogre Hawk was not a fan of injuries and struck the Lizarfos with is other arm. The Lizarfos, whose name was Bluetooth twisted in the air and was able to catch himself in a tree that was very common in the forest the battle lay in. he turned his small head with his nose on the tip of his pointed snout toward the fight.

Alejan replaced the bow with his sword and proceeded to cut the hamstrings of a chimp who was pounding on the head of a Markish man. As the Ape fell back Alejan stabbed in the gut withdrew the sword and continued on to the next enemy, the Ogre Hawk. The creature swung its arm and send to Markish men flying through the air. It other arm attempted to crush Alejan, he side stepped as he cut the creature’s hand, and brought it back down taking off two of its massive fingers each as big around as a child’s arm. The creature flinched, grabbed a chimp, and threw him. Alejan jumped rolled to the side and cut the creature knee.

Bluetooth dropped from the tree stumbled until he regained his balance then sped toward the Ogre Hawk. Scimitar in hand he took the breath of a gorilla, by cutting its throat, and then jumped as high as he legs would take him. He landed on the shoulders of the Ogre Hawk and began to slice back and forth across the creature’s neck. An arrow bounced off its metal armored beak and another struck its neck. The Nokars were all dead just the Ogre Hawk remained, and in too much of a blood rage to realize it was alone.

The Ogre Hawk tried to reach Bluetooth but its arms just couldn’t reach, more arrows began to strike the creature just as Bluetooth leapt off. Alejan struck it in the leg before he was knocked aside. Alejan lifted his head to see the Markish men slicing and cutting with all their might to slay the beast but their strikes cut too shallow. Suddenly lightning jumped from the hand of one Markish men and struck the Ogre hawk in the beak, the armor on the beak acting like a lightning rod. The Ogre Hawk convulsed then began to stumble around. More men stabbed and chopped the creature’s body. Alejan stood up and released an arrow into the Ogre Hawk’s larynx. The creature held its throat as he stumbled back and fell into the small clear pool of water.

All stood for a moment realizing they had ended several dozen lives they all stood silently to respect the lives they cut short, the lives that had so much left. “Elban, make our water bags full before that creature afouls the pool,” shouted Torai, the leader of the party. One man muttered speaking of the Ogre Hawk, “What crazed this Trebling. The Nokars couldn’t have done this.” He gestured to the fallen Ogre Hawk.

“Something is wrong with mother earth,” replied Alejan. “Treblings don’t fight alongside Nokars, Treblings are territorial but this is not their territory and they seldom leave their groves.” Alejan walked to the fallen Trebling, his feet sloshing in the water, he placed his hand on the Ogre Hawk’s forehead. “This one’s mind was twisted beyond the point of return; we did it a favor by ending its life. I only wish it could have held back.” Alejan looked at the three men it had killed and the two other wounded.

“Lord Torai!” the cry was short and high pitched, voiced from the reptilian Lizarfos from Malogo. Two of the Lizarfos were dragging an armored chimp from the woods. The chimp was yelling and thrashing around, the two Lizarfos could barely hold on. The chimp kicked one of the Lizarfos in its long pointed snout, the Lizarfos let go and held on to his nose grumbling. The chimp punched the other Lizarfos and began to bound away but before it had gone five paces it had an arrow in it’s calve; it fell to the earth grabbing its leg. Two Markish men grabbed the chimp and dragged it to Lord Torai.

They threw it to the ground and half a dozen metal blades pointed to its neck. It stopped squirming when one blade pressed against its skin. Torai stopped in front of the creature and looked at it. “My name is Craytor, from Goroda…”

“Quiet, you filthy vermin! I did not bid you speak.” The chimp named Craytor pressed his large ape lips together and inhaled sharply. “Your purpose in doing us harm, what is it? Quickly speak if you prefer you head on your shoulders.”

“I-I-I-I’m not sure, I’m just following orders.”

“You Malogan,” Torai turned toward the Lizarfos who was rubbing his snout.

“What is it Lord Torai?” he replied.

“The battle we fought, did this ape participate?”

“I don’t believe so we caught him sneaking toward your men.” Just as he finished speaking Malogan Lizarfos emerged from the forest toward the clearing.

“Be there more, Lord Razorback?”

“No Lord Torai,” Replied a large Lizarfos with a steel chest plate and helmet. A large metal horn sat atop his helm, the horn was about half a foot long and made of steel, it gleamed in the sun that hung directly over their heads. The sun never moved from that spot and the people bathed in a perpetual day. The temperature never changed from gentle spring warmth. The plants grew all year round, and the trees grew green continually. Seasons never changed and years did not exist, every people made their own measurement of time, to record both great and small lengths of time.

After an hour the men were ready to move the wounded had already healed and they continued their journey northward. “When will we arrive at Calor Col Alejan?” asked Torai.

“At this rate we could be there in 55 hours,” said Alejan

“Good we must get there quickly the world is upset.”

“More like mother earth has taken ill. Master Senso told us to travel to Calor Col for reasons that have not been revealed to me.” Alejan said so expecting an explanation as to why they had left Freddo Col in such a hurry and not bothering to tell the party why they had been mustered. But Torai said nothing, he just kept marching at the head of his column, Steel horn marched at the head of the Lizarfos column.

A slender woman named Viridia walked briskly till she was walking along side Alejan. They both had the same short bow and sword; same everything, just fashioned to facilitate the difference in gender. A leather jerkin and a green cloak hung over their shoulders, thick leather boots folded over on the top, leather rerebrace, and vambraces, and gloves covered their arms and hands, and a knee length skirt that was parted in the middle. Their entire garment was shades of brown and green. To blend in with the woods lands of their home.

“Nice shot back there,” Viridian said.

“Thanks but my first shot struck its beak, besides Ramir electrocuted the Trebling, that is what killed it, or let others kill it.”

“Well at least you did more than I, I was wrestling with a chimp half the time.”

“Don’t worry once we reach Calor Col you can bathe.” They both shared a laugh, her head tilting toward the sky, the sun’s light gleaming off her golden head, her hair was gathered behind her head from behind the cord her hair shot out every where a hands length. Her bangs were parted off center. Alejan’s hair however was short and a dark blonde that whirled around his cowlick like a maelstrom. The man and woman both had soft features and a thin body, built for endurance rather than strength.

The two rangers continued to converse and the column kept advancing and they marched eighty miles when some people started to notice something was wrong.

“Look,” someone whispered pointing to the trees; the branches were slightly swaying back and forth. Leaves gently tumbled over the earth and everybody’s cloaks moved gently. As soon as a gust of wind rushed passed the column everybody drew their weapons. They looked around nervously as Torai told the column to halt. A Lizarfos yelled, “Spirits!” as another gust of wind rushed by.

“No its not spirits,” someone else said.

“More like the air is moving,” said Razorscale.

“Air does not move,” mocked a large Lizarfos with a square snout.

“Quickpace says in his book that the air moves in the north and south lands.”

“In the lands northward we are not, nor the lands south. Something afoul is against the earth working,” Torai said. “Death is far from anyone’s thoughts but forced we are to ponder them. Trouble not your thoughts with the lives lost by the creatures who attempt to take your eternity but remorse for brethren fallen. We know their broken bodies are a waste and will be devoured by the earth, but remember make sure your eternity is never taken unless for good reason. Now let the object at hand be your thought focus. Now sheath your weapons and on our way we will be once more.” Torai swung his sword around his head and sheathed his blade at his hip, and continued his march.

The party member’s put their weapons away and marched after him, not stopping once, not even to eat they ate bread on the march and gathered water as they went. After 30 more hours of marching Alejan told both Torai and Razorscale they would be there soon. They kept marching although the mammal humans and the reptile Lizarfos kept eyeing the forest.

After nearly 40 more hours of marching nonstop they saw Calor Col. A small city but a city nonetheless. They saw the wooden palisade growing up around the city and the guards at the gate. As they approached one of the guards asked who they were and just as Razorscale was about to answer everyone flinched as they felt a twinge deep in their chests. Not a moment afterwards shadow took over. For about three seconds darkness enveloped the land and every inhabitant in it. The light from the sun ceased for a short moment that seemed like forever to all who witnessed.

Not one thing could anybody see from the complete darkness until the sun returned her light and the land was light again. Light shone down like nothing had happened but the people knew something had. Yells and scream came from inside the city.

December 1st, 2010, 11:15 PM
The first thing that comes to mind is that the story is very jumbled, a lot happening in a short space and not a clean enough description of the actions that are happening. Who and what characters are is also a little confusing.