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View Full Version : mandatory sex scene - Not too graphic



valo123
November 29th, 2010, 02:27 AM
gone

Gumby
November 29th, 2010, 02:41 AM
We lied that way for a little while, and I eventually put my arm over her.



Hypnotized by her approach, he lied still, watching as she flung her hair back and bound it with a purple scrunchy she'd had around her arm all night


These were what jumped out at me, the usage doesn't seem correct to me. I think it should be, We lay that way...

And

Hypnotized by her approach, he lay still...

But I'm certainly not an expert on tense. :)

valo123
November 29th, 2010, 03:05 AM
I'm sure your right. It didn't look right to me either. I have a problem with certain word's tense, lay being one of them. Thank you

Verum Scriptor
November 29th, 2010, 06:14 AM
In paragraph one and two you are using first person. In paragraph 3 you switch to third person. If it were not for this it would not be a bad first attempt and such a scene.

valo123
November 29th, 2010, 06:31 AM
Yeah, the switch to third person was intentional. I agree that something should precede it, though. Maybe a recap on setting in third person will make the transition smoother.

Bilston Blue
November 29th, 2010, 12:01 PM
'She kissed me then, a long and hard one.'

Not sure about this, it reads a little too much like a double-entendre, especially given the scene. Perhaps it ought to read 'She kissed me then, long and hard.'

I'm not convinced by the switch from first to third, I think consistency is better where this is concerned, so as not to risk confusing the reader.

ex-cession
November 30th, 2010, 06:53 PM
i would try to use the owl and the still air outside to relate, even in a loose way, towards what is going on. i do think it is a good idea to change the subject in such an intimate moment. breaking from the intensity tends to accentuate it. i would try to elaborate.
the only other thing i can think of is to avoid describing specific parts of the anatomy by their name. not completely, but think of other, ore metaphoric ways to convey it. i believe the trick with sex is to leave what you can to the imagination. after all, everybody's done it.
all the stuff above is agreeable, except i think the criticism of the first to third person. its good to momentarily disorient the reader sometimes, especially in a scene like this. but maybe put one of them in italics, or something, so there is a clear distinction in the differences of text.
but overall i enjoyed it.

DELFIA
November 30th, 2010, 06:59 PM
How old are you?

ex-cession
November 30th, 2010, 08:51 PM
me? 23

DELFIA
November 30th, 2010, 08:58 PM
No, the starter of this thread, but thanks for saying.

valo123
November 30th, 2010, 10:34 PM
ex- I'll work on that definitely. I always come back to things that don't sound quite right and change things around till I'm satisfied. Thanks for the pointers. I'm 21 Delfia, why you ask?

DELFIA
December 1st, 2010, 02:47 AM
No real reason. I think you're a good writer and I thought you may have been younger, but I can see how anyone at any age may not want to show something like this to their mom.

valo123
December 1st, 2010, 04:45 AM
Haha yeah. Thanks for the compliment. I just hit 40 thousand words...WOoOOO!