View Full Version : 4 am High - Language

November 28th, 2010, 07:58 AM
Something I am working On.

Lips chapped; bite on them as the road goes underneath the moving vehicle as it always has. That bite is like the first time, but we keep going hoping to bleed. White picket fence keeps those hidden insecurities trapped, but white is out of style after labor day so you know they are there. Red, orange, a fading green that denotes the fading of certain entities, maybe change is inedible but we always forget that two am high feeling once were home. A certain noise permeates through my ears saying ď I want to talk to you, letís get this off the tableĒ but all I want to do is drive, and watch the wind move through the trees as the wind doesnít touch me, I donít even use tables for talks I use talks for closure. Life is passing by through the wind and Iím in stand still, in some sort of vehicle that transports me to places like hell, uncertainty, failure, resilience. The road keeps blurring, some man is at a mailbox looking for what I am looking for. The next best thing, a letter from God, a lovers promise, maybe even a post card from the past saying ďIím sorry, but I am on vacation right now and you need to get ahold of my secretaryĒ. The smell of new apples, cold, dead leaves, is actually the smell of a beginning, a restart, the pause button is now in play and it wonít be stopping until that radio dies and your favorite song changes. stop light. Red yellow green? Why not red yellow greenish blue? Why do I have to go when itís green? I want to go when itís red and dodge a car, like dodging those problems buried deep in my cerebellum, trying to scratch at the surface of my skull. I play by the rules, like we all do, wait my turn in the line of cars all doing daily things that will never change. Why is this song on repeat and why do my hands feel so cold against the steering wheel, why do people go into center lane? Iíd rather go into left because thatís where home is and left handed people are rare, rare like that 4 am feeling underneath the covers. Itís October, and the ghosts and ghouls are everywhere. They hide in the make-up of the woman in front of me, and the sunglasses of the man in the car next to me. Left turn, right swerve, around the center of some trees. But what if I want to go up? Why the fuck canít I go up. That October sky, weary of the sun and warmth, knows more about the deep dark tunnels and connections of this than I will ever know. Drive way, park, keys out of ignition. Blank stare at those trees, still moving with the wind, almost mocking me as if saying ďwe will live until the end of the end, but you will notĒ. I should really do X amount of things, in this way before that and why didnít I do that, I want this and I need that right now and the trees laugh as I try and beat time, try and be young but do the things I need to do have to want to do before I am underneath them. The car settles, as well as my mind and I become blank once again, I realize that beneath the left turnís blinkers thoughts of failure and redemptions all I truly want is a fall sunset and a bite on my chapped lips from the next best thing.

Olly Buckle
November 28th, 2010, 11:55 AM
This is how I write when I am getting an idea down, it always sounds great to me, really effective, stripped to the essentials. But experience has told me it pays to go back and spell it all out carefully for my dumb readers. "My lips are chapped, and I bite on them as I watch the road sliding under the moving vehicle I am driving ... "

Amber Leaf
November 28th, 2010, 04:50 PM
Section it into paragraphs. It's too much in one block.

November 30th, 2010, 09:52 PM
i disagree. change some of the punctuation around, but don't put more in. the piece has a raw, ranting feel to it, and forgive me if i got the wrong idea but nobody is thinking straight at 4am. i think thats what you are trying to convey. others might complain because its tiring and frustrating to read, but i feel like i am supposed to feel tired and frustrated when i read it. put it in the middle of a longer, fully punctuated story to get it into context and itll be a great focal point.
oh, and elaborate on the trees. everybody likes good personification.

November 30th, 2010, 09:55 PM
sorry, i meant description, not punctuation. change some of the description around but dont put more in