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Venturur
November 28th, 2010, 05:51 AM
Based in Adria ( fictional Land ) ( Struggle between old enemies the Trygans and the Ayken Empire. ) ((First Chapter, i have more i may add to first chapter, i'd just like opinions to at least know if what i got so far is good before i keep adding to it.))


A shadowy figure moves quietly and with purpose through what could be called no less than the most desolate continent on the face of the world.These barren lands belong
to only the most blood thirsty and barbaric people known to Adria.None the less these are the people he is here to find.
Kithal, moves from rock to rock, ditch to stump, edging ever closer to the encampment that signaled his goal.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Lets get this over with Heled, my men and I ran three days to reach this shit hole. So this meeting better be worth my time or else-
Or else what nuromeer, you need to learn when to be patient, and when more importantly. To keep your big mouth shut.
Heled now you be careful, I agreed to a peace between our peoples because of the threat King Effilade poses to all the eastern tribes,
but i would have no problem killing you here and now if your going -
Nuromeer, don't think I do it to insult you. I am just trying to concentrate on Effilades spy that is making his way towards us, 200m to the east of our camp.
WHAT? alert the sentries and have him brought before us! nuromeer quietly exclaims
You see my friend, this is why i proposed the pact between the tribes. Individually Effilade will crush us under his hammer of oppression. But United,
strong, confident, and most importantly, with the advantage of surprise. We will bring Effilade to his knees and burn empire around him. Let him come, i have a little
plan in store for him.

**********************
Heart racing, kithal moves within earshot of his target. The Tribal leaders Nuromeer the butcher, and Heled the wise.They had both earned their respective names
while only being of the age 32 and 36 respectively, Quite young to be leaders of the two largest war bands in all of Adria. And Kithal, had the honor of being chosen
specifically by the prince to undertake this crucial mission. King effilade knew these two had signed a truce and were meeting to discuss a possible attack on
Palkan, Capital of the Ayken Empire to which King Effilade and his sons Marcus and Felix Ruled through the promise of justice, peace, but also with the iron grip
of the more thoroughly trained and equipped soldiers in the entire land of Adria.Kithal was dispatched to determine whether or not there was a threat and where
and when it would appear. As it would appear King Effilade was not the only one with information on his foe.

************************
We will gather the tribes of Kaldar the wolf, Gurder the boar along with our forces, and will raise Palkan to the ground. Send the envoys, We will march for palkan
one fortnight hence. Agreed?
I am with you Heled and together the other tribes will have no choice but to join what will be a sure victory. With surprise on our side palkan will be right for the
plunder. And i will make sure Effilade knows why i am known as the Butcher.

*****************************
A soaked, soar, exhausted kithal after two days of hard riding finally reached his destination, Zulmyr fortress, at the heart of King Effilades kingdom.
As kithal reached the gates, there is a loud grinding as the mammoth doors swing open on hidden hinges, as a dozen heavily armed guards come out to meet him.
State your name and your business if you wish to pass. Says a unknown speaker on the walls above him.
Kithal, reaching slowly beneath his cloak as to not corned the armed men, draws out a message with the kings seal. Displaying it to the soldiers in front of him.
After a brief moment the foremost guard removes his helmet.
I'm sorry sir, We had no reason to know you were on business for the king. Please come inside you must be in need of food and rest. Fresh clothes are also available.
None of that will be necessary.... your name?
Captain Mazrin of the fortress elite guard.
Well thank you for the offer Captain,i am Kithal by the way, but i need to speak with Felix right away, its very urgent.
Well you may need to delay your report a few more days. Princes Marcus and Felix and the 1st through 6th Battalions are engaging the Trygans at the Mythian
pass. It is absolutely crucial they defend that pass or else the Trygans will have nothing between them and the dozens of lowland villages that supply nearly a quarter
of all our countries crops. And it being so late in the season, without that food, many people would go hungry.
Captain im going to need a fresh horse and 4 of your men to ride with me to meet them at the pass.
I'll see to it right now, if there's anything else just mention it.

bobolob
November 29th, 2010, 03:11 AM
Here's an edited (fixed grammatical errors and re-worded a few things) version of what you posted (in italics). My comments are in red.


A shadowy figure moves quietly and with purpose through what could be called no less than the most desolate continent on the face of the world. I enjoyed this first sentence especially the part about the most desolate continent.These barren lands belong to only the most blood thirsty and barbaric people known to Adria. None the less, these are the people he is here to find.
Kithal moves from rock to rock, ditch to stump, edging ever closer to the encampment that signals his goal. Kinda feels disjointed from the rest of the opening. Connect the shadowy figure and his name, don't simply throw his name out and expect the audience to connect the two. Or merely start the book by using Kithal instead of a shadowy figure.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Let’s get this over with Heled, my men and I ran three days to reach this shit hole. So this meeting better be worth my time or else-“
“Or else what Nuromeer? You need to learn when to be patient and, more importantly, when to keep your big mouth shut."
“Heled, now you be careful. I agreed to a peace between our peoples because of the threat King Effilade poses to all the eastern tribes, but i would have no problem killing you here and now if your going –“ Kinda awkward feeling.
“Nuromeer, don't think I do it to insult you. I am just trying to concentrate on Effilade’s spy that is making his way towards us, 200m to the east of our camp."
“WHAT?! Alert the sentries and have him brought before us!” Nuromeer quietly exclaims. Well he couldn't have been very quite, if he exclaims in all caps. I would change it to exclaims.
“You see, my friend, this is why i proposed the pact between the tribes. Individually, Effilade will crush us under his hammer of oppression. But united, strong, confident, and most importantly, with the advantage of surprise, we will bring Effilade to his knees and burn empire around him. I enjoyed this sentence. It show that he is wise, like his namesake. Let him come. I have a little plan in store for him.”

**********************
Heart racing, Kithal moves within earshot of his targets: the Tribal leaders, Nuromeer the butcher and Heled the wise. They both earned their respective names while only being of the age 32 and 36 respectively, quite young to be leaders of the two largest war bands in all of Adria. You used respective and respectively here twice. Kithal had the honor of being chosen specifically by the prince to undertake this crucial mission. This sentence feels random and out of place, despite it being an important detail. It is sandwiched in between two paragraphs that have nothing to do with Kithal.
King Effilade knew these two had signed a truce and were meeting to discuss a possible attack on Palkan, Capital of the Ayken Empire which King Effilade and his sons, Marcus and Felix, rule through the promise of justice, peace, but also with the iron grip of the more thoroughly trained and equipped soldiers in the entire land of Adria. This sentence is way too long. It could easily be split into 3 sentences.
Kithal was dispatched to determine whether or not there was a threat and where and when it would appear. Perhaps place the sentence about Kithal being chosen for the mission with this one. I don't see why they should be separated by a paragraph.
As it would appear King Effilade was not the only one with information on his foe.

************************
“We will gather the tribes of Kaldar the wolf, Gurder the boar along with our forces, and will raise Palkan to the ground. Send the envoys. We will march for Palkan one fortnight hence. Agreed?”
“I am with you, Heled, and together the other tribes will have no choice, but to join what will be a sure victory. With surprise on our side, Palkan will be right for the plunder. And I will make sure Effilade knows why I am called the Butcher.”

*****************************
A soaked, soar, exhausted Kithal after two days of hard riding finally reached his destination, Zulmyr fortress, at the heart of King Effilades kingdom. Wait. I thought that Heled and Nuromeer knew that Kithal was spying on them. Why weren't the sentries alerted? Why wasn't he stopped?
As Kithal reached the gates, there is a loud grinding as the mammoth doors swing open on hidden hinges, as a dozen heavily armed guards come out to meet him.
“State your name and your business if you wish to pass,” says a unknown speaker on the walls above him.
Kithal, reaching slowly beneath his cloak as to not corned (what?) the armed men, draws out a message with the kings seal, displaying it to the soldiers in front of him. After a brief moment the foremost guard removes his helmet.
“I'm sorry sir. We had no reason to know you were on business for the king. Please come inside you must be in need of food and rest. Fresh clothes are also available.”
“None of that will be necessary.... your name?”
“Captain Mazrin of the fortress elite guard.”
“Well thank you for the offer Captain, I am Kithal by the way, but i need to speak with Felix right away. It’s very urgent.”
“Well you may need to delay your report a few more days. Princes Marcus and Felix and the 1st through 6th Battalions are engaging the Trygans at the Mythian pass. It is absolutely crucial they defend that pass or else the Trygans will have nothing between them and the dozens of lowland villages that supply nearly a quarter of all our countries crops. And it being so late in the season, without that food, many people would go hungry.” Something about this piece of dialogue feels off to me. I don't know what though.
“Captain I’m going to need a fresh horse and 4 of your men to ride with me to meet them at the pass.”
“I'll see to it right now, if there's anything else just mention it.”



Ok, overall, you need to explain things more. Currently your first chapter is just a bunch of dialogue with a few normal blocks of text here and there. There is a lot going on and yet it's rather short. Your transitions between different scenes (those with Kithal and those with the tribe leaders) come too quickly. The audience doesn't get enough time to care about the characters. If you are use the transitions, explain more about the characters and such before switching to a different ones. Or you could keep the entire chapter following Kithal spying on the tribal leaders. You get the same information, but you keep it in the POV of (what I can tell so far) the main character. It needs work, but of what I can tell, the storyline seems interesting. Oh and careful with your grammar. You use commas when there should be periods a lot. Also you never added quotation marks when someone was speaking. Sorry if I seemed harsh or blunt at times. I wasn't trying try to be that way. Hope this helped! :)