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Pandaemonium
November 24th, 2010, 08:23 PM
I've never written sci-fi or anything relating to it before and wanted to see if I could, so I tried. I don't think I'm going to carry on,
but there we go. Here is the introductory paragraph. Is it confusing?

203 days AV (After Vaccination)

I find myself repeatedly hitting him with a toaster. Any rational human being might question such behaviour, but the company I am currently in are neither rational nor the questioning type. The vulture-like crowd of Vac’s swarm around us, not yelling or pulling me off this person I am toastering in the face, but just swivelling their camerEyes onto the scene; and this poor old man, this poor defenceless state puppy underneath me is slurring his only words of resistance, “Stop/I am programme 43”, which is interesting because I’m pretty sure I had unhinged his jaw at this point. And around me, they are still just fucking looking. And I'm waiting for one of them to show the least bit of humanity or emotion or thought and stop me. I know that before long, the Prolice will react to the commotion and be unleashed after me, which could be a setback. I simply drop the toaster, pull up my hood, and walk into the gathering crowd of programmes. I had only one aim – Pandemonium.

romero
November 24th, 2010, 09:04 PM
Pandaemonium is suc a long word to write (even though i just wrote it) so im just gonna call you P like your avatar V. Anyway, this is a kinda intriguing little piece, man. Yeah, it's sci-fi but its got a Clockwork Orange feel to it somehow; maybe the dystopian-esque-ness of it? Anyways, if you post more I will definately read. :D

depcrestwood
November 24th, 2010, 10:51 PM
Indeed an interesting beginning. I find myself wondering if there was just a toaster laying on the ground for the narrator, or if the narrator had armed himself with the toaster previous to setting out to spread the "Pandemonium."

I would like to read more.

PSFoster
November 25th, 2010, 03:11 AM
Interesting. I'd like to read more of this.

Sir.
November 25th, 2010, 09:46 PM
Its Different, a world blended toegether out of a bizarre mix of things - bit matrixy,the programs but only slightly and the police, sinister but a little exciting.
When do we get to read the next release ?

Binary Mike
November 27th, 2010, 05:13 AM
I think I get it. But you may want to shorten your sentences and break down your concepts a bit.

If you need ideas for a zombie story (which, by your title, I'm guessing it is), check out Max Brooks' "The Zombie Survival Guide". It's written just like a real, completely sincere survival manual; except the subject matter is fictional. So it has a lot of ideas for what to have your characters do when faced with an undead threat. It's also generally a fun read if you happen to be into zombies.

Amber Leaf
November 27th, 2010, 05:21 PM
There isn't enough description in it. That doesn't mean it's not good though. The way it's written makes me think it should be accompanied by pictures in frames. The style is very much like a comic.

Bloomsday
November 27th, 2010, 08:57 PM
Though it is an interesting premise, I agree with Amber. There is far too much unfamiliar information and far too little narration to help me understand the world. The stranger your world is, the clearer your narration needs to be.

Jones6192
December 3rd, 2010, 07:46 PM
I'll always support a zombie story, but this sure didn't sound like one. What is a robot doing in here? Is the main character a zombie? I'm sorry, but we need some more material to fully understand the context of that paragraph. Yes, that is an encouragement for you to keep at this. I love zombies, so any new addition to the genre, especially one with, as your title claims, such a unique idea as "civilized zombies", is always welcome.