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Ziggy455
November 22nd, 2010, 11:45 PM
What a mess. Disgust and disappointment were my friends as I followed the path of rubbish which fitted so well with the scene of the Ocean Front. My eyes watered with the strong smell of rot which seemed to suffocate the very air I was trying to take in. I crept slowly around a burning car; the papers and rubbish which fluttered like butterflies ignited and blew away as the heat threw them up.

sh*t had become my initial thought as I noticed a charred skeleton was in the car, its jaw low as if its eternal armature was constantly screaming well even into the Afterlife. I mentally shuddered, pulled my gun’s lock back, and proceeded forwards. The next Hotel which was in view was still functioning as it seemed. Lights shone from the windows onto the floor outside and on to the sidewalk from where I stood. The cold air made me shake as I viewed the entire area of the Hotel’s name. The sprawling letters spelt out OCEANLIGHT in pink Neon; it was strange to see such snazzy lights in a sh*tty part of this place after the infection took over. It was odd, like seeing a good looking bitch after the Zombies had gotten to her. That’d make you shudder as much as it did me.

I slowly crept into the lobby of the Hotel. It seemed that the only thing in order was here were the f*cking lights! The Marble floor had become stained with dirt, blood and vomit. The restaurant area was full of overturned chairs and tables, each one splintered and broken in a variety of ways. The walls were shrouded in blood; the apparent hand shape of blood seemed to be on numerous places, especially at the bottom of the stairs. This made my stomach flip; I felt the sickness in me rising. Two bloody handprints were symmetrical, each one connecting to a large dragged line of pure Red blood which continued upstairs into the unknown, and that was where it would stay.

I held my Colt tighter, ready for whatever was coming my way. As my feet cautiously moved around the mess of the restaurant I turned around alertly to aim my gun down the back of the reception desk. Nobody’s here I assumed, my assumption dissolved as I turned around, my face two inches away from the hollow end of a Military Carbine.

The Man holding it was dressed in the National Guard, the same Guards who were assigned to protect the weak and helpless, but it turned out that they were helping themselves. I guess they did follow their orders to assist with the wretches of the City. This man in front of me was injured, numerous bite marks were on his arms, his name patch had been torn and only revealed the first three letters of his last name which revealed to be –nez. Nez was breathing heavily, his face was pale. His eyes were glazed over and his mouth was so dry that his corners were white with dehydration.

“You seen my Brother!?” he screamed, edging the gun closer. I put my hands up. “No.” I quietly replied. “Oh yeah?” came his reply, he turned me around. “You move you’re dead friend.” I didn’t reply as his hands shuffled down my body. He reached his hand into my pocket and pulled out my wallet. His hands were shaking uncontrollably. “Let’s see here,” he said while flicking through it like he was a crack addict finding the god like boulder of crank. He stopped quickly.

“Edwards hmm.” He gave me my wallet back and turned me around. His eyes burned into me, which made me, feel a slight ounce of discomfort. I would show no emotion to scum like him. “I know who you are now so unless-“he tripped backwards as he started to move back towards the restaurant area. “Unless you wanna have a bad day, I suggest you-“He frantically looked around, shifting like something invisible was taunting him. “You’ll do?” was my simple reply.

As his feet hit the planter of the restaurant, something jumped up out of sight. It grappled Nez with a strong force of determination and as its stale hands lunged over his shoulders to grab his chest, it’s Body and Face was clear to me. It was dead; whoever it was and that did not frighten me. What disturbed me was as it pierced Nezs neck with its rotting jaw, the bottom half of his body was evident to be a blood stained skeleton, the Intestines, Liver, Kidneys and other internal organ had seemed to have fallen out onto the floor below. As I stared in Awe and Fear, Nez fired off his gun in pain. I jumped behind the reception desk.

The shooting stopped eventually and I quickly decided to run out of the building and back to base.

Looks like Nez had the bad day.

Bruno Spatola
November 23rd, 2010, 04:42 AM
For the love of Moses, please change the colour of the text; almost blinded me and I can't read without my eyes, eh? :P

This does nothing for the story except create an annoying barrier. Some people won't even give the story a second look because of the bright yellow, so me thinks it'd be best if you just left it black. You want the maximum number of replies after all.

I'll give an in-depth critique once you've fixed this little issue :). I hope this doesn't come across as rude by the way, just some friendly advice.

mizzyb
November 23rd, 2010, 05:09 AM
Well, before you get your "in-depth critique", I would like to take the second post of mine, on these forums, to tell you that this piece was decent. Your title actually almost caused me to ignore the whole story (not because it was a bad title, its just that every zombie/undead inclusive story that I've read has been overly gory and a copy of a previous story) yet I decided to give it a shot, why not? I was pleasantly surprised that you didn't start the story off with a stereotypical fight scene where the protagonist fights like some invincible warrior who cannot die, and I liked the imagery and sense descriptions that you gave. Many people seem to shy away from the fact that the nose/smell are also a very powerful descriptive tool and instead they just focus on the other four senses. You didn't; commendable. Now, I must agree with Bruno though, I hate that color. Like a orange knife stuck between my eyes, not the prettiest thing in the world you know.
But that's all I really have to say. I didn't think on it deeply enough to produce any type of negative or even more constructive criticism so I shall leave this thread on an optimistic note. Keep up the good work; never lay the pen of your mind down...

romero
November 24th, 2010, 09:26 PM
I like zombies as much as the next guy, which is why there was no chance I wasn't going to read this :D Im not much for grammar crits. But one sentence really bugged me:

"Nobody’s here I thought as I turned, oh how wrong I was as I was faced with the hollow end of a M16 Military Issued Carbine. "

Not sure what you could do to make the sentence more readable, but it just doesn't gel for some reason. On the whole, pretty good and I will read more if you change the text colour.

Ziggy455
November 26th, 2010, 10:51 AM
Done and Done. :)