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View Full Version : University degree - Short extract need critiqued.



sirrhys
November 22nd, 2010, 05:21 PM
Hi guys, this is my first time here. This is a very short extract from a 3000 ish word piece of prose I'm working on for a university module. I mainly just wanted to check it wasn't too self loathing, and it read fluidly enoough. Any comments are welcome. Thanks.

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I tried to avoid eye contact with the big blue deer, staring at me, judging me with its big hairy antlers. It made me very aware that I hadnt washed in days, a thick crimson crust still hung to my nostrils and my purple throb of a right eye got duller by the day. I knew I hadnt changed my clothes in days, and that fucking blue deer knew too, hanging in a crumpled heap about my neck and across my chest.


I didnt care, lighting a cigarette and singeing my nostril hair, a thick slug of smoke burned my eyes. I let them weep. She lay silently on dirty sheets, vomit in her hair, mine or hers? I didnt know. I forced down stale vodka to quench my thirst, her water had been off for weeks.


Just days before I had been something, I had everything. I had a suit, clean shirts each day, a frequent customer coffee card with hundreds of points on it. It may not sound like much, but compared to this it was everything. I had an alarm at seven thirty am, I had a nightly tv schedule and I had a pub quiz team every Thursday. I had friends.


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WriterJohnB
November 22nd, 2010, 06:05 PM
I'm not sure what this is about, but your sentence stuctures are way off. 1st sentence, it sounds like the antlers are judging. The other sentences are also clumsily constructed. Also the verb tenses need work.

Hope that helps,

JohnB



-----. I tried to avoid eye contact as the large blue deer stared at me, judging me. It made me very aware that I hadn’t washed in days. A thick crimson crust still hung to my nostrils and my purple throb of a right eye got duller by the day. I knew I hadn’t changed my clothes in days, and that fucking blue deer, hanging in a crumpled heap about my neck and across my chest, knew too,
I didn’t care. I lit a cigarette, singeing my nostril hair, and a thick slug of smoke burned my eyes. I let them weep. She lay silently on dirty sheets, vomit in her hair, mine or hers? I didn’t know. I forced down stale vodka to quench my thirst. Her water had been off for weeks.


Just days before I had been someone. I'd had everything. I'd worn a suit, clean shirts each day, and I'd had a frequent customer coffee card with hundreds of points on it. It may not sound like much, but compared to this, it was everything. I'd had an alarm at seven thirty am. I'd had a nightly tv schedule and I'd gone to a pub quizevery Thursday, part of a team. I'dI had friends.


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