View Full Version : Sometimes (*snork) The Lord REALLY Provideth

Unca Walt
November 20th, 2010, 01:54 PM
Sometimes The Lord Really Provideth

Walt C. Snedeker

Im really not a difficult person (despite the groan you hear in the background from the Fabled PC) to get along with. I like little kids, and cats and dogs, providing they look and act like Benjy. I even like to drive. The Fabled PC says that I like to drive because I run across so many interesting people. But lets have a little soul-searching here did you ever wish that you could fill some guys bagpipes with Wheatena?

I mean, how about that guy in the supermarket the other day. You know, that unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. The one with four hundred dollars worth of groceries that was constipating the fast checkout line, and he wouldnt let you go first with your one measly quart of ice cream. Yeah. You remember him. He wrote a check in the no checks line. A two-party check from the Bank of Portugal. By the time you got through the line, the ice cream was dripping pretty freely.

Well, the world is full of politics at this time, and that makes people rather difficult. After all, 34% of the people who say they voted for Clinton think that Forrest Gump was a documentary. But I can tolerate them handily.

It is those who actively put my alabaster body at risk that truly tick me off. It is an actual documented fact (get ready, there arent many of them in these articles!) that 82% of the drivers out there think they are above average. This is really true. Among those who smoke, 97% think they are above average. Go figure.

So I was coming home the other day, driving along Route 441 in the driving rain. There was a car in front of me, one behind me (too darn close), and one to my right. The scary part was that the one to my right was peopled by an idiot.

Have you ever noticed just how many idiots seem to have drivers licenses, and somehow acquire the gas to take their cars and go out cruising?

Well, as I was fairly tensely paying attention due to the driving rain, I was alert enough to be able to violently swerve my poor car just barely out of the way when the idiot to my right came winging into my lane.

I looked over at him.

And now, Gentle Reader, try to picture this: the guy was talking on the fargin phone. And he was waving his hands around as he was talking. Oblivious to the near accident he almost just had.

Big deal, you say? Youve been there, done that, you say? Well, let me finish, willya? On top of the lunacy just mentioned, Idiot was lighting a cigarette using box matches and both hands! He was waving his hands around so much, he looked like Marcel Marceau on crack.

So I sighed heavily, grabbed my heart from where it had come to rest on the top of the dashboard, and reswallowed it. Back to driving.


Here he came again. Again, by the luckiest of coincidences, I was able to leave my lane to enter the grass centerline, and again miraculously avoid being hit by him.

Meanwhile, I could not speed up or slow down due to cars in my lane. Although by now I was beginning to think of it as our lane

When he started to drift over for the third time, I blew a sharp series of blasts on my horn. Somehow, the noise got through his violent conversation, and he looked over at me. I gave him a pantomime of, What. Are. You. Doing?!

This, believe it or not, enraged him (perhaps he was near hysteria because of the phone call, but I am not sure). In any case, he actually threw the phone down in the seat next to him, mouthed a couple of words that I could not hear, but I could understand completely, and shot me what one might delicately term the Hawaiian Good Luck Symbol.

I politely pointed to my chest, and sort of dragged my finger forward, indicating that I would like to drive in that direction, right up the road. I made a similar gesture toward him to do likewise.

Well. That really did it. He began screaming and waving both arms (it was still raining fit to frighten Noah). Apparently steering his car was a very low priority on this day.

But then, the Good Lord stepped in and sorta leveled the playing field. Idiot got himself going really well, and suddenly turned his head to shove it out the window to scream at me better.

Ah, the pleasure! The window (it being a frog-strangling rainy afternoon) was, of course, securely wound up.

Idiot mashed his face into the window, and his cigarette mashed deeply into his nose. Oh, raptures!

No doubt, I will pay for the sin of glee at the sight of Idiot frantically pawing at his nostrils in the rain, trying to get his lit cigarette out of one of them. I even got a break in traffic at that point, but I stayed with Idiot, because I was really enjoying the show. I know I will smoke a turd in Purgatory for feeling as I did.

When I slowed down enough, I saw his Hillary Clinton bumper sticker. Hah! A full house! Smoking, doing phone jive, and wandering in the rain. He had to be in the 97 percentile of above average drivers, all right.

So I gave thanks that everything had come out even. But I wonder how Idiot was going to have to explain to everybody how and why he shoved a lit cigarette up his nose. I bet the story will be really creative hell probably tell everybody about the idiot he ran into while he was driving.

November 20th, 2010, 05:15 PM
Oh, you have them in Florida too? I thought California had the market cornered on Idiot drivers who are oblivious to all surrounding them. They make the rules up as they go along. Oh, and it's always your fault. :)