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Sir.
November 16th, 2010, 11:13 PM
this is a opening for something new, may you all pass judgement to your hearts content

Alex James was running. Running across his thirty years had been a necessity on many occasions. Usually because he had become in something he ought not to. The cave silent around him except for the occasional drip of cool water into the calm pools and the pounding echoes of his feet on the hard ground, moments ago they had rung, rung with the shrill demented shrieks or Eric Lovelace. Alex had barely seen what had happened to him; the moment the wall had opened he started running in the other direction. He didn’t deserve this, he thought, Eric had only told him that they were helping someone of incredible power, he had not mentioned that the person in question had been dead for some time, nor it seems was Eric entirely aware of what their mood would be like when awoken. Alex had only wanted a small return for his help, a house, maybe some land – an island would be nice. Now all he hoped for was that the entrance to the cave was nearby, if he could get out of this place then he’d be safe. Eric had always said that the threshold was the key, the crossing point. A flashing image of Eric’s deforming face forced itself onto Alex’s mind, he stumbled remembering the eyes bulging, his ears’ bleeding and his’ hair thinning and greying, his friends jaw opening mouthing “run” before it unhinged the skin of his face decaying around it. The floor shuddered, for a horrible moment as the dust fell around him Alex thought that the cave might collapse, leaving him trapped in here with... - with whatever it was.

Razzazzika
November 17th, 2010, 12:58 AM
red is suggested changes

Usually because he had become in something he ought not to. --- this makes no sense

The cave was silent around him except for the occasional drip of cool water into the calm pools and the pounding echoes of his feet on the hard ground.---this was a whole sentence.

Moments ago they had rung, rung with the shrill demented shrieks of Eric Lovelace. Alex had barely seen what had happened to him. The moment the wall had opened, he started running in the other direction.

I don't deserve this, he thought. Eric had only told him that they were helping someone of incredible power. He had not mentioned that the person in question had been dead for some time, nor, it seemed, was Eric entirely aware of what his mood would be like when awoken. -- a suggestion

Alex had only wanted a small return for his help, a house, maybe some land – an island would be nice. --- really? isn't that a bit extravagant a payment?

A flashing image of Eric’s deforming face forced itself onto Alex’s mind. He stumbled, remembering the eyes bulging, ears bleeding and his hair thinning and greying; but most of all he remembered his friend's jaw opening mouthing 'run' before it unhinged, the skin of his face decaying around it. The floor shuddered, for a horrible moment as the dust fell around him Alex thought that the cave might collapse, leaving him trapped in here with... - with whatever it was.

The verdict... that was painful... both to read and edit. I felt like a 3rd... maybe 4th grade teacher correcting an English assignment, your grammar was that poor. As for the quality of the story... It was meh. What were they running from a mummy or vampire or something?

Sir.
November 17th, 2010, 06:21 PM
Dearest Razzika , I apologise for the terminally poor grammar, it is a long standing failing of mine which over time is being corrected. Your criticisms and suggestions are greatly valued, however I do think you slightly misinterpreted my meaning when I invited judgements, I should clarify - they are limited to the literary kind.

I hope that soon I will receive more valuable feedback from you, and appreciate the close reading that must have been behind these detailed criticisms;

eternally grateful,
yours

Sir.

Razzazzika
November 17th, 2010, 07:21 PM
Sorry I guess? It took a lot to get through the story and correct all the grammar errors that my 'valuable input' switch must have been broken.

What I was attempting to say, is that besides the poor grammar, the story lacked any sort of 'oomph' or clarity to it.

It's never made clear who this 'Eric Lovelace' guy is, he's introduced and killed in a way that leaves a lot of speculation as to who he even was in the first place. Obviously he was the guy who lured Alex to this cave or what have you, but is he some rich multi-billionaire (since apparently Alex wants an island from him as payment for this delve), or is he ... I dunno.... I really don't.

As for your descriptions of things, I think you're pretty good on that angle, once again, getting past the grammar issue.

But I have to say the plot leaves nothing to the imagination so far, but then again, it's only a small excerpt so I can't really pass too much judgement on that. I just know I've seen the same things in the Mummy, The Descent, and Scooby Doo(minus the face melting)

Sir.
November 17th, 2010, 08:34 PM
scooby doo, really?
anyway, sorry for being bit uppity I don't do Wednesday's very well. You were right a lot of this was awful - as to the ambiguity of the plot that would be because I am not yet aware of what exactly is going on anyway. I did write some more but I think I shall look over it and consider where this is actually going before posting it.

Razzazzika
November 17th, 2010, 09:30 PM
Yeah, scooby doo. I remember distinctly an episode or two where shaggy and scooby fell down a pit/trap door, and it was dark, they lit a match and were scared shitless because the monster was down the pit with them.

sirrhys
November 22nd, 2010, 05:30 PM
I agree with Razz in that the principle concept has been used many times before. However, I feel that there is some good tension within the extract. Perhaps don't tell us the 'person with incredible power' has been dead for some time; for me that just conjured up images of bad movies and zombie men - much like the aforementioned 'The Mummy.' Also I feel the characters lack little if any depth, I understand that the extract is short butI couldn't care less if Eric or Alex live or die currently. Still I am intrigued to see who our mystery dead man is, and I just hope it won't be some vague vampire or mummy rip off.

depcrestwood
November 22nd, 2010, 06:16 PM
While there was a flow and a pace to this opening which I found to be enjoyable, it also kind of reminded me of the opening to the movie "Spun." Not to say your story portrayed to me a hodgepodge storyline of several addicts, but in that it seemed to throw a heck of a lot at me in the first few sentences, to the point I was a bit overwhelmed with it all.

Then again, I'm a guy who likes a lot of words and explanations, so my view is strictly relative ... I just had a hard time digesting one thing before the next was thrown at me.

Sounds like a very exciting cave, though.

Sir.
November 22nd, 2010, 09:58 PM
I feel I ought to apologize for the vague undead references, though in all honesty they were vague as -well I don't know what it was going to be.
worrying that my characters were so disposable, shall have to make future characters more emotive - or give them a bit more of their own voice,
thanks for note on the flow. the bombardment of things one after the other was intended to create pace, but I think in the process they overran each other and get confusing