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Nicholas.
November 14th, 2010, 11:50 PM
This a first actual story attempt, hope you enjoy.


At eight o’clock a man walks into a hotel. He signs in and makes his way up to his room. He hangs his coat and calls it an early night. The man falls asleep around eight-thirty. The next morning around ten, the man is found dead. He was slashed to ribbons while he slept. These are just pieces to a puzzle. I’m the one who has to put these pieces together and come with some reasonable explanation for it all. I consider myself a reasonable man, and there is nothing reasonable about a cold-blooded murder.

I arrive on scene midday; you’d have to check your watch to know that. The sky is beginning to create a blanket of clouds to tuck the sun away. Perhaps it is a sign for things to come. Perhaps this is a message from the gods to turn around and call it quits with this god-forsaken job, just like I told myself I would. Though, perhaps I’m just kidding myself.

Detective Bronco is waiting for me inside the hotel’s lobby. I always liked Johnny Boy Bronco. We went back to the depression days. He is one of the few good cops in this city of bad blues. I would trust him with my life, hell; I have trusted him with my life. He was wearing a brown suit with a tan fedora, like he was ripped out of a Mario Puzo novel. He carried a manila folder filled with papers.

“Well you look like shit today,” John opened with, “you ain’t been hitting the sauce again, right?” I assured him I wasn’t.

“I haven’t had a drink for a couple weeks,” more like hours, “anyway, how is it looking up there?” He sighed;

“It looks like Lizzie Borden had another go around,” he joked, “it looks terrible.” I took his word for it. He told the statistics while we made our way over to the elevator and went up to the scene of the crime.

Between nine at night and ten in the morning the man was killed. Some maniac cut and stabbed him a total of seventy-two times with a ‘sword-like object’. He took a slice to both of his Achilles heels so he couldn’t get away. Then the murderer stabbed him in his legs and abdominal sixty-six times. Then after that, the victim took six stabs to the back of the head, on the sixth stab, the murderer left the knife in the man’s head. Hell of a way to go.


It was just us and the coroner in the room. Johnny asked him to leave and he was grateful. The bed was smothered in blood. The walls were clean, as were the floors. Which indicated the deceased’s blood had not squirted out. Maybe the murderer knew how to keep it clean, perhaps they were a professional, or perhaps it was dumb-luck. Though, with twenty seven years under my belt, I haven’t seen a professional kill that lasted more than a second. Both of us knew this.

“It couldn’t be a hired kill,” said Johnny. I told him I was thinking the same thing.

“It must been personal,” I told him, “Someone he knew.”

“How do you think that?” he asked.

“Well, think about it. Would you let a stranger climb into bed with you?” he shook his head, I continued, “Neither would I. Maybe a woman could have seduced him and he was right where she wanted him. Then…well,” I pointed at the body. I asked if he came in alone. Apparently the clerk was on his break when the victim came in, no one knows for sure.

“He isn’t married,” said Johnny, “divorcee. He had an outside-marital-relationship with a woman named,” he checked the folder, “Stevey Lance.”

“Any physical evidence,” I asked, “Hair, spit, anything?”

“Nope… clean as a whistle,” on that note, another officer walked into the room. A rookie;

“The f**k!?” he muttered before throwing up in the hall way. We left after that so the coroner can get back to work. I remember asking that cop if he seen a dead body before. He said he did, it was just the smell that made him nauseas. I didn’t even notice the odor. I must be used to it by now.

Olly Buckle
November 15th, 2010, 01:25 AM
The tenses are mixed up, I understand it is maybe a stylistic thing in the first bit where he is describing a past event in present tense "A man walks in ... " but then,
You arrive, present.
The detective is waiting for you, present.
He was wearing. past
It was just us ...
and all past from there.

Little nit, next to last line odour, but that might be an English/American thing. Generally good, clear writing.

Nicholas.
November 15th, 2010, 01:28 AM
The tenses are mixed up, I understand it is maybe a stylistic thing in the first bit where he is describing a past event in present tense "A man walks in ... " but then,
You arrive, present.
The detective is waiting for you, present.
He was wearing. past
It was just us ...
and all past from there.

Little nit, next to last line odour, but that might be an English/American thing. Generally good, clear writing.


thanks for the input,

garza
November 15th, 2010, 01:33 AM
'Odor' is the common misspelling of 'odour' in the Far Frozen North.

The tense problem confused me as well, as did some of the dialogue. Have you been watching hours and hours of old 'Dragnet' reruns? For example, 'He had an outside-marital-relationship with a woman...' I think you mean he had a girlfriend. It's always best to say what you mean.

Nicholas.
November 15th, 2010, 01:39 AM
'Odor' is the common misspelling of 'odour' in the Far Frozen North.

The tense problem confused me as well, as did some of the dialogue. Have you been watching hours and hours of old 'Dragnet' reruns? For example, 'He had an outside-marital-relationship with a woman...' I think you mean he had a girlfriend. It's always best to say what you mean.

No, he was cheating on his wife. As in, Non-marital. So it was an outside marital relationship.

Cambyses
November 15th, 2010, 03:59 AM
No, he was cheating on his wife. As in, Non-marital. So it was an outside marital relationship.

I think garza means that if he was cheating on his wife then he was cheating on her with his girlfriend (unless it was with a hooker- if it was you should probably specify that). Then again, if the main character does not know whether the person he was having sex with was his girlfriend, a whore, or someone else then this point is probably best left ambiguous.

Razzazzika
November 15th, 2010, 03:59 PM
I arrive on scene midday; you’d have to check your watch to know that. --Really? My watch doesn't say midday on it anywhere.

first you call it a ‘sword-like object’ then you say they left the knife in the man’s head. --slight contradiction.

nauseous not nauseas, just a small spelling error

other than that, it's a rather standard start to a detective/cop novel. I don't see anything setting it apart yet, per se. But neither do I see anything dragging it down.

garza
November 16th, 2010, 12:20 AM
Nicholas - In my mind it's just a clumsy way of saying he was having an affair, sleeping with his girlfriend, whatever. Your expression may be clinically accurate but it's deadly dull writing.

Nicholas.
November 16th, 2010, 02:43 AM
Nicholas - In my mind it's just a clumsy way of saying he was having an affair, sleeping with his girlfriend, whatever. Your expression may be clinically accurate but it's deadly dull writing.

Alright... I didn't mean to offend you.

Draxia
November 16th, 2010, 05:28 AM
"“Well, think about it. Would you let a stranger climb into bed with you?” "

Yes, people allow strangers to climb in their bed all the time. Bad premise.

Nicholas.
November 16th, 2010, 08:08 PM
"“Well, think about it. Would you let a stranger climb into bed with you?” "

Yes, people allow strangers to climb in their bed all the time. Bad premise.

I must be on my own with that then. Thats like pulling a stranger off the street and putting them in your home, into your bed with you. I'm not sure that happens all the time.