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View Full Version : Secrets of Jerned - Short Short Story (995 W)



Markery
November 13th, 2010, 03:57 AM
So this is my first short story, or story in general. I was just bored so I wrote this, is it any good?

Meet Jerned, usually addressed as a loser or a mindless idiot, a hopeless life worth nothing. His attitude is and personality seized to exist, nor does emotion or anything else really. He goes threw the daily motions of school which he maintains a D average and is never seen outside of school. Is there more to this emo kid, we're here to find out.

In the observation of a teen who seems to be the most boring and uninteresting person to observe, someone would have to conclude that watching him would be a waste of time, or is it? His day at school consists of never saying a word unless someone asks him something and the response is usually closed, he appears to hate every moment of his life. But what happens when he goes home? Nothing? One would assume he does nothing but watch TV and study, so in an attempt to find out, we followed him home, driving into the area of his home, it's very empty and not interesting much like himself, very few houses. Coming closer to his house it's a small, white house, his parents have boring cars and he enters his house with no emotion or enthusiasm. So we come closer and try to spy threw the windows, we see he enters and closely answers his parents questions devoid of conversation or personality, getting to his window is his room, it's black, everything is black.

Not very exciting. Nothing is, there must be more, there has to be. Never have I seen such a boring in my life, how can this be? Is nothing going on in his mind? He appears so void and blank in everything he does, black and unidentifiable. No expression of self must be impossible, what's going on in his mind?

We have to find out just how blank this entity is, we have to talk to him.

The next day at school we try to talk to him and ask him things like "who are you?" and get only responses like "nothing" or "I don't know". We tried asking why we doesn't talk and only get the response "what's there to say". His face is blank and empty of so much as a frown. So we give up. He is simply nothing but a empty body shell walking among us.

And one day we get a text from Heidi, a 15 year old girl, just a normal girl in school who has friends and is a cheerleader. It reads "Leave Jerned alone, he is a good person, and he is very interesting", shocked we talk to her and she tells us that he isn't boring at all and the shell of nothingness is a guardian of the blinding light that is his being, much brighter then anyone else. How can that be? Shouldn't a light that bright shine threw his black and empty shell? And how did she break threw the shell and reach his sacred being? So we have to kidnap him, after school we put him in our van and make him answer us, but get very little information, so what is the key to unlocking who he is? It's Heidi, she understands him like no one else does or ever will. So we watch them talk where no one else could see them, when he sees her face his eyes turn from the black infinite black hole into a luminescent star of color and beauty, when they talk he is creative and interesting, charismatic and charming, intelligent and intriguing. Like nothing I've ever seem in my life, a true and unexplainable happiness in their eyes, as they sit and stair at each other it's as if they are saying a thousand words. Their still, touch of the fingers is like an explosion of light and energy and power. Like a electric charge or an explosion of a star, like the universe places them in the center and everything including time are irrelevant and gone.

Why would the popular cheerleader create such fusion with someone that seems like an emotionless being, for that you must enter his mind, everything in his body seems unimportant to him, what happens in his mind is the 1 and only focus, nothing else matters. But he isn't good at school, so what is happening in his mind? How could he use his mind and still be a grade D student. Someone could come to the conclusion that school isn't important to him, but if school isn't, what is?

So we need to talk to Heidi. After school we ask her that he is into and she says she doesn't know, all she knows is it isn't important, he is. How could she love someone she knows nothing about? She says she knows everything about everything that is important. To understand him we have to explore his room which on the outside seemed so boring, so we go there and once in there is appears black and nothing is there. So we look in the drawers and find drawings, they are the most stunning, wordless masterpieces that you will ever see, we found poems and books that he wrote, they are everything and nothing, unexplainable beauty, ink made into diamonds. This is his mind, it consists of itself and only itself. It is all that exists, he explains that your mind is the only existence and nothing else is really there, you are everything, EXCEPT your counter-being which is Heidi for him, nothing else matters.

So many beautiful works of art locked in his drawer for no one else to see, so maybe he isn't a boring loser, he is a creative piece of the blocked spectrum of unknown light and color. And yet he is a speck in the blinding colors of this existence, just waiting to be exposed from every person, every loser, every moron, every everything is waiting to expose to color of themselves.

The end.

Thanks for reading. Looking forward to feedback.

mizzyb
November 23rd, 2010, 04:55 AM
As a novice writer who hasn't yet published professionally a single literary work I have limited words to say to this story. The only thing that my mind immediately spews into the focus of my attention is that your spelling could use some work, its not horrible in the slightest, it just needs some touching up.
Now as a professional reader who has read, in a month, more books than a high school football player probably ever reads in his whole high school career; an avid reader who delights in short stories, and glories in literary works that cause him to think- this- this is beautiful. I honestly am not the type to puff up anyone's pride or ego, but as I read the depth of this short story, i honestly found myself wanting more.
As I said before, it is beautiful. I like the style and the unique narrator perspective. Keep up the work. I'm expecting more in the future.

WriterJohnB
November 23rd, 2010, 06:34 PM
It's a nice piece, not really a story, more of a "slice of life." You need to work on technique, though. Your verb tenses don't match and your sentences run on and on. Watch out for homophones, such as threw and through. Spell check won't catch these errors. But it's a good start and I enjoyed it. Here's a more detailed copy-edit.


So this is my first short story, or story in general. I was just bored so I wrote this, is it any good?

Meet Jerned, usually addressed as a loser or a mindless idiot, a hopeless life worth nothing. His attitude is and personality seized (ceased) to exist, nor does emotion or anything else really. (previous sentence makes no sense) He goes threw through) the daily motions of school (, where) which he maintains a D average and is never seen outside of school. Is there more to this emo kid? We're here to find out.

In the observation of a teen who seems to be the most boring and uninteresting person to observe, someone would have to conclude that watching him would be a waste of time, or would it? His day at school consists of never saying a word unless someone asks him something and the response is usually closed. He appears to hate every moment of his life. But what happens when he goes home? Nothing? One would assume he does nothing but watch TV and study, so in an attempt to find out, we followed him home, (delete). Coming closer to his house it's a small, white house, his parents have boring cars and he enters his house with no emotion or enthusiasm. So we come closer and try to spy threw (through) the windows, we see he enters and closely answers his parents questions devoid of conversation or personality As we get to his window and look into his room, it's black. Everything is black.

Not very exciting. (delete) There must be more, there has to be. Never have I seen such a boring person in my life, how can this be? Is nothing going on in his mind? He appears so void and blank in everything he does, black and unidentifiable. No expression of self must be impossible,(This is a double negative, which reverses what you mean to say) what's going on in his mind?

We have to find out just how blank this entity is; we have to talk to him.

The next day at school, we try (present tense) to talk to him and ask him things like "who are you?" and get only responses like "nothing" or "I don't know". We tried (past tense) asking why we doesn't talk and only get the response "what's there to say". His face is(present tense) blank and empty of so much as a frown. So we give up. He is simply nothing but a empty body shell walking among us.

And one day we get a text from Heidi, a 15 year old girl, just a normal girl in school who has friends and is a cheerleader. It reads "Leave Jerned alone, he is a good person, and he is very interesting", shocked we talk to her and she tells us that he isn't boring at all and the shell of nothingness is a guardian of the blinding light that is his being, much brighter then anyone else. How can that be? Shouldn't a light that bright shine threw his black and empty shell? And how did she break threw (through) the shell and reach his sacred being? So we have to kidnap him. After school we put him in our van and make him answer us, but get very little information, so what is the key to unlocking who he is? It's Heidi. She understands him like no one else does or ever will. So we watch them talk where no one else could see them, (How can they be talking when you've kidnapped him?)when he sees her face his eyes turn from the black infinite black hole into a luminescent star of color and beauty, when they talk he is creative and interesting, charismatic and charming, intelligent and intriguing. Like nothing I've ever seem in my life, a true and unexplainable happiness in their eyes, as they sit and stair (stare) at each other it's as if they are saying a thousand words. Their still, touch of the fingers is like an explosion of light and energy and power. Like a electric charge or an explosion of a star, like the universe places them in the center and everything, including time, are irrelevant and gone.

Why would the popular cheerleader create such fusion with someone that seems like an emotionless being? For the answer, you must enter his mind. Everything in his body seems unimportant to him. What happens in his mind is the 1 and only focus, and nothing else matters. But he isn't good at school, so what is happening in his mind? How could he use his mind and still be a grade D student. Someone could come to the conclusion that school isn't important to him, but if school isn't, what is?

So we need to talk to Heidi. After school we ask her that (what) he is into and she says she doesn't know. All she knows is it isn't important. He is. How could she love someone she knows nothing about? She says she knows everything about everything that is important. To understand him we have to explore his room which on the outside seemed so boring, so we go there and once in, at first, ir appears black and nothing is there. So we look (present tense) in the drawers and find drawings. They are (present tense) the most stunning, wordless masterpieces that you will ever see. We found (past tense)poems and books that he wrote, they are (present tense) everything and nothing, unexplainable beauty, ink made into diamonds. This is his mind, it consists of itself and only itself. It is all that exists, he explains that your mind is the only existence and nothing else is really there, you are everything, EXCEPT your counter-being which is Heidi for him, nothing else matters.

So many beautiful works of art locked in his drawer for no one else to see, so maybe he isn't a boring loser, he is a creative piece of the blocked spectrum of unknown light and color. And yet he is a speck in the blinding colors of this existence, just waiting to be exposed from every person, every loser, every moron, every everything is waiting to expose to color of themselves.

The end.

Thanks for reading. Looking forward to feedback.

Razzazzika
November 23rd, 2010, 09:46 PM
I agree that this was a nice read, thanks to JohnB for beating me to the grammar corrections or else I probably would have done it(I'm a stickler for that).
So yeah, same feedback, work on your grammar/spelling and you got a good thing going.

Markery
November 24th, 2010, 06:22 PM
Thanks for the feedback guys! And thanks for the grammar corrections John, I didn't realize it was that bad.

sailorguitar
November 24th, 2010, 07:52 PM
Yeah, I agree. It's a good idea, and the grammar and spelling need to be sewed up. Tense is important and can be tricky, keep it consistent. These improvements will tighten up your writing and better communicate what you are trying to say in order bring your story, or vision, to life. I think most people who write have to comb through their writing over and over again to really bring it into focus; they chip away bit by bit like a sculptor. Keep digging into it, use grammar guides and have a dictionary nearby and try and figure out how the writers you love are doing what they are doing. It can be elusive, sleight of hand stuff. That said, keep going, there is definately something there. I agree with mizzyb, I'd like to see more. Hope that wasn't too preachy, just trying to help. -Guitar