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Gotpepsi
November 12th, 2010, 02:01 AM
Hey all, hopefully ya'll get to read and comment on my story. I wrote this by a prompt my ENG book gave me. Im new to the forum, seems like a good enviorment to improve everyone's writing skills. Hope yall enjoy and it doesnt suck to bad, so yall can get to the ending. :grin:

It was a dark and dim day in the back roads lies a broken home. The skies cried and the streams of tears ran along the side of the road picking up debris of leaves and dirt, and carrying them to a small steam away from house. The moisture of the rain brings out the murky aroma of mold and mildew stuck between the walls. The gutters are clogged with rotting leaves, as the rain pours harder upon the house, the gutters overfill and water overflows the gutters like a clogged sink. The water flows down the cracked walls adding to the already molded house.

Inside the small house located in southern Connecticut lived a family of two; a Mother named June, and her seven year old daughter Amanda. They had the same routine every morning before school. June would wake up a little earlier than Amanda to get breakfast ready and Amanda dressed and groomed before school. In a large plastic mixing bowl she pours in their generic brand pancake mix, cracks two white eggs against the kitchen table and opens them into the bowl. In the empty refrigerator only containing half a gallon of milk, packaged lunch meat, and orange cups of Jell-O; she reaches for the last of the milk, and pours in exactly one cup, then adds a teaspoon of oil. A reused fork that she retrieves from the diner sitting on the kitchen counter was used to mix the batter. Pouring the batter into the frying pan, it sizzles and bubbles. After their breakfast together they get dressed for work and school. June shimmies into blue button uniform with a white collar and cuffs, puts her long brown hair into tight pony tail with the same red hair tie used daily. She gets her daughter dressed in her favorite pink and white stripped sweater, a matching beanie with a fluffy white ball stitched on top. Once ready, they wait outside in the cold under the large tree for shelter. The yellow school bus arrives exactly on time. Holding Amanda’s hand, June kisses her daughter and sends her off for school, knowingly that once she gets home her life will be dramatically changed.

June was extremely hard working, but her life got flipped upside down when her husband left. She usually only works at the local diner every weekend morning to have some extra money around for her daughters clothes, toys and school supplies. When they got married they came upon an agreement that she would be a stay at home mother to insure of their child’s success in academics.She left her husband a year ago, after he came back from Iraq. It wasn’t her first decision to leave, but when he got home he was a changed man. In her eyes it was better to leave, rather than to have her daughter keep witnessing the rage and abuse that she has endured. She can recall a moment where he went into his rage. Taking out upon the walls of the house, smashing the dishes against one another making shards of ceramic plates fly into the air and across his fingers. The sharp shards of debris sliced open gashes upon his skin, while red blood oozed out contaminating the dishes around him. Screaming out words that nobody could make out, panting, and unleashing his bottled up rage, June grabbed Amanda and left the house. That was the last time she saw her husband before he went away.

That afternoon two tax collectors come to her house and order the workers to move everything out to the lawn. Her old wooden couch with Amanda’s favorite stuffed dog sat outside with his sewed on smile, and their beds thrown into the dirt. The tax collectors lock the doors and put a foreclosed sign up front. Sitting on the damp ground lies all of their belongings. June usually gets home before her daughter does, and she sits outside nervously waiting for that rusty yellow bus. She sits outside in the lawn petting that happy smiley dog until the bus arrives then she stands up and greets her child. She tells her that the city took their house away, and now it’s time to go live with her aunt closer to town, and informs her that she has to transfer schools, and make different friends. As Amanda cries sadden and confused about the situation, and she’s still in shock about why everything is out in the lawn.

They have been living with her aunt for a few years now. And even though Amanda grew up without knowing what happened to her father, she’s carries perusing further into her education. By this time she is transitioning from middle school to high school. She’s attending Sunny Day’s Highs school, home of the Suns; which is quite ironic because in their home town it’s constantly raining. She really never fit in with anyone around her school, nor was she very popular. She was like a ghost, in a corner, unseen, and out of the way. She was not ugly or anything of that matter, actually quite beautiful taking after her mother. Amanda has long, brunette hair, falling down a few inches past her shoulders. She was tall, and slim, with an hourly figure, hazel eyes, and soft lips. She had big eyes, and perfect bone structure, not a flaw seen. However, it was her personality that never let anyone in. She had friends, but they were never close, no best friends, but mere acquaintances. She always felt lost upon her peers, lost in life, like a bottle floating in the open sea. She can’t recall when her life was full of color, or if that era ever existed. There were no happy memories, just memories of her peeking through the cracks of the doors, and seeing her father scolding her mother for no apparent reason, until the day he mysteriously left. These memories float around in her head, dragging tears out of her eyes, and flowing down her cheeks, just like the gutters of her old broken home. The steam of tears wash away when she snaps out of her trance, traveling back into the present, these flashbacks never go away.

As the times go by she begins to forget, and starts adding color to her life. She finally opens up to someone named Jarred. They begin hanging out more often watching movies, going on dates, and eating dinner. Her world began to light up, and she starts changing her perspective on things. Everything seemed brighter and the flashbacks of her mother and father slowly started fading away. The world that was crumbling beneath slowly started to rebuild its self, and the stream of tears that use to tinkle down her face began to dry up. Jarred added life to her broken heart by being there to listen to her story, something that no one ever did before, he held her hands when times were dim, made her smile and laugh. When she was with Jarred she didn’t mind what happened to her, as long as he was there with her until the end. They enjoyed the time together, but the only problem was that they were still very young, and immature because of age. She never took for granted all the times that he never let her down, and held everything he did close to her heart. The lonely mind, and lonely soul that she carried besides her was slowing being warmed, and she took upon a real perspective in her life. Of course the relationship did not last forever as she intended it to.

Jarred talked to her besides his locker when they became seniors in high school, three years after being together, he wanted to end the relationship because he had other plans with his life, and career. A tear running down her face, like the stream of water overfilling the gutters, her future with him washes away. Her life becomes like the darkness of an empty room. He was the glue to her walls, and when he left everything fell apart, and this reminded Amanda of her mother and her father leaving them. Roaming through the darkness of her mind, she realizes that she’s alive, but once again very alone. She starts taking heavy sleeping pills to ease her mind at night. At this point her mother is still working in a local diner, this time taking up night shifts to help her sister with the bills. Amanda takes off her clothes, and turns on the faucet to the bath. Warm water fills the tub. She dips her toes in to test the temperature of the water and slowly submerges the rest of her body into the tub. She ingests a few sleeping pills, and involuntary falls into a deep slumber. The water still spewing out of the faucet her head sinks beneath the water and her body to infuse with drugs is unable to realize what is happening. Her life dissipates quickly, and her mind shuts down forgetting the tragedy that she experienced in her early childhood. Her mindless body sits in the tubs, as the water overfills and floods the house.

lowprofile300
November 13th, 2010, 09:58 PM
Your story is engaging and compelling. I noticed some misplaced punctuation marks and weak grammer. Give me a day to look it over and post my corrections on this piece ok. All in all, I enjoyed reading it.

lowprofile300
November 14th, 2010, 01:53 AM
Ok so I was able to look it over, and I think that this might be helpful to you. Hopefully, others will join in and help you tweak things further.

blue means remove Red means add or replace with



It was a dark and dim day; in the back roads lies a broken home. The skies cried and the streams of tears ran along the side of the road picking up debris of leaves and dirt, and carrying them to a small stream away from the house. The moisture of the rain brings out the murky aroma of mold and mildew stuck between the walls. The gutters are clogged with rotting leaves, as the rain pours harder upon the house, the gutters overfill and water overflows the gutters like a clogged sink. The water flows down the cracked walls adding to the already molded house.

Inside the small house located in southern Connecticut lived a family of two; a Mother named June, and her seven year old daughter Amanda. They had the same routine every morning before school. June would wake up a little early than Amanda to get breakfast ready, and Amanda dressed and groomed before school. In a large plastic mixing bowl, she pours in their generic brand pancake mix, cracks two white eggs against the kitchen table and opens them into the bowl. In the empty refrigerator only containing half a gallon of milk, packaged lunch meat, and orange cups of Jell-O; she reaches for the last of the milk, and pours in exactly one cup, then adds a teaspoon of oil. A reused fork that she retrieves from the diner sitting on the kitchen counter was used to mix the batter. As she poursing the batter into the frying pan, it sizzles and bubbles. After their breakfast together they get dressed for work and school. June shimmies into her blue button uniform with a white collar and cuffs; she puts her long brown hair into a tight pony tail with the same red hair tie used daily. She gets her daughter dressed in her favorite pink and white stripped sweater, a matching beanie with a fluffy white ball stitched on top. Once ready, they wait outside in the cold under the large tree for shelter. The yellow school bus arrives exactly on time. Holding Amanda’s hand, June kisses her daughter and sends her off to school, knowingly that once she gets home her life will be dramatically changed.

June was extremely hard working, but her life got flipped upside down when her husband left. She usually only works at the local diner every weekend morning to have some extra money around for her daughter’s clothes, toys and school supplies. When she got married, she and her husband agreed they came upon an agreement that she would be a stay at home mother to insure of their child’s success in academics. She left her husband a year ago, after he came back from Iraq. It wasn’t her first decision to leave, but when he got home he was a changed man. In her eyes it was better to leave, rather than to have her daughter continue to keep witnessing the rage and abuse that she was has enduring.ed. She can recall a moment when where he went into one of his rages; taking it out on upon the walls of the house, smashing the dishes and against one another making shards of ceramic plates fly through into the air and across his fingers. The sharp shards of debris sliced open gashes upon his skin, while red blood oozed out, contaminating the dishes around him; screaming out words that nobody could make out, panting, and unleashing his bottled up rage. June grabbed Amanda and left the house. That was the last time she saw her husband before he went away.

That afternoon two tax collectors come to her house and ordered the workers to move everything out to the lawn. Her old wooden couch with Amanda’s favorite stuffed dog sat outside with Amanda’s favorite stuffed dog, the one with a his sewed in on smile, and their beds got thrown into the dirt. The tax collectors lock the doors and put a foreclosed sign up front. Sitting on the damp ground lies all of their belongings. June usually gets home before her daughter does; and she sits outside nervously waiting for that rusty yellow bus. She sits outside on in the lawn petting that happy smiley dog until the bus arrives, then she stands up and greets her child. She tells her that the city took their house away, and now it’s time to go live with her aunt who lives closer to town, and informs her that she has to transfer schools, and make new different friends. As Amanda becomes cries saddened and confused about the situation, she begins to cry all the while and she’s still in shock about why everything is out on in the lawn.

They have been living with her aunt for a few years now. And even though Amanda grew up not without knowing what happened to her father, she’s continued to pursue carries perusing further into her education. By this time she is transitioning from middle school to high school. She’s attending Sunny Day’s Highs school, home of the Suns; which is quite ironic because in their home town it’s constantly raining. She really never really fit in with the students at anyone around her school, nor was she was not very popular. She was like a ghost, in a corner, unseen, and out of sight the way. She was not ugly or anything like that; of that matter she was actually quite beautiful, she took taking after her mother. Amanda has long, brunette hair, falling down a few inches past her shoulders. She was tall, and slim, with an hourly figure, hazel eyes, and soft lips. She had big eyes, and perfect bone structure, rather flawless not a flaw seen. However, it was her personality that never let anyone in. She had friends, but they were never close, no best friends, but mere acquaintances. She always felt lost with upon her peers; lost in life, like a bottle floating in the open sea. She can’t recall when her life was full of color, or if that era ever existed. There were no happy memories, just memories of her peeking through the cracks of the doors, and seeing her father scolding her mother for no apparent reason, until the day he mysteriously left. These memories float around in her head, dragging tears out of her eyes, and flowing down her cheeks, just like the gutters of her old broken home, the stream of tears wash away when she snaps out of her trance, traveling back into the present; these flashbacks never go away.

As the times goes by she begins to forget, and starts adding color to her life. She finally opens up to someone named Jarred. They begin hanging out more often watching movies, going on dates, and eating dinner. Her world began to lighten up, and she starts changing her perspective on things. Everything seemed brighter and the flashbacks of her mother and father slowly started fading away. The world that was crumbling beneath slowly started to rebuild itsself, and the stream of tears that use to trickle tinkle down her face began to dry up. Jarred added life to her broken heart by being there to listen to her story, something that no one ever did before, he held her hands when times were dim, made her smile and laugh. When she was with Jarred she didn’t mind what happened to her, as long as he was there with her until the end. They enjoyed the time together, but the only problem was that they were still very young, and immature because of age. She never took for granted all the times that he never let her down, and held everything he did close to her heart. The lonely mind, and lonely soul that she carried besides her was slowing being warmed, and she took upon a real perspective in her life. Of course the relationship did not last forever as she intended it to.

Jarred talked to her besides his locker when they became seniors in high school, three years after being together, he wanted to end the relationship because he had other plans with his life, and career. A tear running down her face, like the stream of water overfilling the gutters, her future with him washed washes away. Her life becomes like the darkness of an empty room. He was the glue to her walls, and when he left everything fell apart, and this reminded Amanda of her mother and her father when they separated leaving them. Roaming through the darkness of her mind, she realizes that she’s alive, but once again very alone. She starts taking heavy sleeping pills to ease her mind at night. At this point her mother is still working in a local diner, this time taking up night shifts to help her sister with the bills. Amanda takes off her clothes, and turns on the faucet to the bath. Warm water fills the tub. She dips her toes in to test the temperature of the water and slowly submerges the rest of her body into the tub. She ingests a few sleeping pills, and involuntary falls into a deep slumber. The water still spewing out of the faucet her head sinks beneath the water and her body too infused with drugs is unable to realize what is happening. Her life dissipates quickly, and her mind shuts down forgetting the tragedy that she experienced in her early childhood. Her lifeless mindless body lays sits in the tubs, as the water overflows overfills and floods the house