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MeeQ
November 11th, 2010, 09:18 AM
Like most boring people, I catch public transport; ignoring the childish hierarchy of dunce front, god at back.

But it seems this one day, God chose to sit affront the bus and spit on my life - although I must admit, I do the same.

So here goes the story that made me a run-to-work kind of guy. And by ‘run’ I mean taxi.

I woke up. Yay; not dead. Sun shining, cool breeze though the loft window.
Wonderful day to stay inside an office cubicle, truly wonderful.

Shoes on, pants... wait, dammit. Shoes off, pants on, shoes on. Winner, not dead and I can still dress myself.
Grab a uniform and rush out to start my day's travel aboard the majestically iconic forum that is my bus; made 1982. Good year for music.

"I have AIDS”

I swear I overheard, but then I noticed the businessman was looking at a band-aid on his finger.
So I just took him as another dyslexic loser.

"Everyone knows goat’s cheese is just named that because it's what the farmers feed them."

Female... Student... Fails at life. Die Die Die!

"Excuse me, dear. May I sit next to you?”

Okay, I'm that bastard that puts his bag beside him, so none of the typical above would even consider sitting there.
Old ladies however, rape that theory.

"Of course, ma'am, how ignorant I am for not considering your brittle bones. Please sit, I insist."

Despite the sarcasm and animosity I have for almost everything, her face buttered me up the longer she sat there, deep inside my personal space.
Her worn, wrinkled face telling tiny hidden stories of grand wars and battles, radiant lust and pain, death and fear. Oh God save me.

He didn't.

Instead He decided to medicate that old lady with drowsy eyes, and a weak neck, forcing her to sleep atop my shoulder;
bumping down the street into the beautiful day that could never be a weekend.

Thank Jehovah and his silly book! My damn stop was next. Bing Bing Dinga-ling boop; What? I'm no good at bus bells.

"Excuse me, Ma'am, got to get off and go imprison myself... That means you have to stop sleeping on me... wake up... now would be good"

Some nosy forum-riding know-it-all decided to come to my aid.

"O.M.G! She's not breathing... I think she's dead?"

Ruined my day... Thanks.




Original Copy

Like most boring people, I catch public transport; ignoring the childish hierarchy of dunce front, god at back.
But it seems this one day, God chose to sit affront the bus with me and play with my life - although one must admit, I'd do the same.

So here goes the story of the day, that now makes me walk to work.


I woke up. Yay, not dead; sun shining, cool breeze though the loft window. Wonderful day to stay inside an office cubicle, truly wonderful.
Shoes on, pants... wait, dammit. Shoes off, pants on, shoes on. Winner, not dead and I can still dress myself.
Grab a work shirt and rush out to start my day's travel, aboard the majestically iconic forum, that is my bus; made 1982, good year for music.

"I have AIDS"

I swear I overheard, but then I noticed he was looking at his band-aid, and so I just took him as another dyslexic loser.

"Everyone knows goats cheese is just named that because it's what the farmers feed them"

Female... Student... Fails at life. Die Die Die!

"Excuse me dear, may I sit next to you"

Okay, I'm that bastard that puts his bag beside him, so none of the above would even consider sitting there. Old ladies however, bump that theory.

"Of course ma'am, how ignorant I am for not even considering your brittle bones. Please sit, I insist"

Despite the sarcasm and animosity I have for almost everything, her face buttered me up the longer she sat there; deep inside my personal space.
Her worn wrinkled face telling tiny hidden stories, of grand wars and battles, radiant lust and pain, death and fear. Oh God save me... He didn't.
Instead He decided to curse that old lady with drowsy eyes, and a weak neck.
Forcing her to sleep atop my shoulder, bumping down the street into the beautiful day; that could never be a weekend.

Thank Jehovah and his silly book! My damn stop was next. Bing Bing Dinga-ling boop; What? I'm no good at bus bells.

"Excuse me Ma'am, got to get off and go imprison myself... That means you have to stop sleeping on me... wake up... now would be good"

Some nosy forum riding know-it-all decided to come to my aid.

"OMG! She's not breathing... I think she's dead?"

Ruined my day... Thanks.

Like a Fox
November 11th, 2010, 02:20 PM
Davis. I love it.


I'll give you something more constructive tomorrow. x

Razzazzika
November 11th, 2010, 03:18 PM
I don't know what sort of criticism you're looking for, but I have to say it was an enjoyable little read with a unique style of writing.

I-FLUX
November 11th, 2010, 06:36 PM
I like the sense of humor I feel from this. Don't know what you want to hear from us, but I personally think it was pretty good.

Scarlett_156
November 11th, 2010, 08:48 PM
Some paragraph breaks would be helpful here:


Despite the sarcasm and animosity I have for almost everything, her face buttered me up the longer she sat there; deep inside my personal space.
Her worn wrinkled face telling tiny hidden stories, of grand wars and battles, radiant lust and pain, death and fear. Oh God save me... He didn't.
Instead He decided to curse that old lady with drowsy eyes, and a weak neck.
Forcing... (etc) Otherwise: You do a more than admirable job of presenting a personality completely fed up with life, hating everything/everyone it sees, and very ready to advance to the next level ONLY IF THERE IS ONE, in the absence of which the present level is ok for now. Self-and-other-hating nihilism at its finest. Keep up the good work! :)

Chesters Daughter
November 12th, 2010, 12:47 PM
I enjoyed this tremendously, MeeQ, it is well written, witty and deliciously engaging. You and I seem to have much in common viewpoint wise. One nit, I believe the afront you want only has one f. Thank you, love, this may have ruined your day, but it made mine.

Best,
Lisa

craighallam
November 12th, 2010, 02:07 PM
This is very funny. I think if you tightened it up a bit more, just thought about your comic timing and delivery, you could be onto a pants-wetting kind of humour writing style.

Good job!

Craig

namesake
November 13th, 2010, 12:19 AM
Although it was too short, the premise of the story was good. Looks like you are exploring a theme on being discriminated but with ironies. The challenge will always be to be original. But it was. If you could continue this, I'd say it would deserve more praise if you kept the spirit of the original intact (the short version of the draft). Looks like you could benefit from some techniques besides irony. This seems like a literacy work to me.

Tom88
November 13th, 2010, 02:46 AM
Well I don't want to even attempt to analyse this, save to say that it was an absolute ball, and that it rather inspired me to try something aloof and fun. Not that my praise is worth jack, but it's the highest accolade I can really offer. You must be a riot at parties.

Like a Fox
November 13th, 2010, 03:16 AM
Coz I said I'd be back, and I'm no liar.
I went through and caught some nits for you. I think this is your best, ever. I want it to be perfect.
I bolded where I did anything. You can decide if you agree with me on points or not.


Like most boring people, I catch public transport; ignoring the childish hierarchy of dunce front, god at back.
(Haha, Love the opening. Though I’m pretty sure you were a backseat dweller. Oh, but I forget, you were uncool before uncool was cool, right? P-face)

But it seems this one day, God chose to sit affront the bus with me and play with my life - although one must admit, I'd do the same.
Not as smooth. I don't like the 'seems' or the ‘one must admit’. Why not just ‘I have to admit’? You’ve made this MC more personable than your usual, the formality of ‘one’ pushes the audience away again.

So here goes the story of the day, that now makes me walk to work.
’So here goes the story that made me a walk-to-work kinda guy.’ Maybe?


I woke up. Yay; not dead. Sun shining, cool breeze though the loft window. Wonderful day to stay inside an office cubicle, truly wonderful.
*Tick* Likes this.

Shoes on, pants... wait, dammit. Shoes off, pants on, shoes on. Winner, not dead and I can still dress myself.
Grab a work shirt and rush out to start my day's travel, (kill the comma) aboard the majestically iconic forum, (kill all the commas) that is my bus; made 1982. Good year for music.

"I have AIDS,(comma)" I swear I overheard, but then I noticed he (who?) was looking at his band-aid, and so I just took him as another dyslexic loser.

"Everyone knows goats (goat’s) cheese is just named that because it's what the farmers feed them.(full stop)"

Female... Student... Fails at life. Die Die Die! (Ha)

"Excuse me,(comma before you address someone) dear, may I sit next to you(have you boycotted punctuation? Question mark here)"

Okay, I'm that bastard that puts his bag beside him, so none of the above would even consider sitting there. Old ladies however, bump that theory.
Not sure about ‘bump that theory’. I reckon there’s a stronger way to word it.

"Of course,(comma before you address someone) ma'am, how ignorant I am for not even considering your brittle bones. Please sit, I insist." – I’d cut ‘even’.

Despite the sarcasm and animosity I have for almost everything, her face buttered me up the longer she sat there; (unnecessary semicolon. You know I hate them) deep inside my personal space.
Her worn,(comma) wrinkled face telling tiny hidden stories,(no comma) of grand wars and battles, radiant lust and pain, death and fear. Oh God save me... He didn't. (I’d cut the ellipses here and go for a line break.
Eg:

…death and fear. Oh God save me.

He didn’t.)


Instead He decided to curse that old lady with drowsy eyes, and a weak neck, forcing her to sleep atop my shoulder, bumping down the street into the beautiful day; that could never be a weekend.
Made this all one sentence, makes more sense that way. Also not sure about the curse. Maybe he caresses her. Otherwise the curse kinda gives away the end. And doesn’t fit with the next bit, where she’s simply falling asleep.

Thank Jehovah and his silly book! My damn stop was next. Bing Bing Dinga-ling boop; What? I'm no good at bus bells. (Haha! Love this).

"Excuse me,(comma before you address someone) Ma'am, got to get off and go imprison myself... That means you have to stop sleeping on me... wake up... now would be good"

Some nosy forum-riding (hyphenated forum-riding) know-it-all decided to come to my aid.

"OMG! She's not breathing... I think she's dead?"

Ruined my day... Thanks.

Excellent ending.

I know where you got the inspiration for this. I love that you decided to take it and make a story of it. You’ve really nailed a voice here, which is still a bit like that guy you always write, but much better. Feels calmer, more natural, more like you. The sarcasm is easier to digest, the whole thing makes sense – which is always a win in my book. You’ve done really great, Davis. I think that class you did has been a huge benefit. I hope the reaction here is enough to encourage you to kinda stick with what has worked here. You’re no longer the niche man, you’re mainstream pulp! Haha. P face again.

Come to Melbourne. It misses you. x

MeeQ
November 14th, 2010, 08:44 AM
Razzazzika: Good to see some new faces bustling abound my little hole. Cheers for the read, Glad you enjoyed.

I-Flux: Same as above (but not to leave you empty) I'll guarantee a read of some of your own work. Promise.

Scarlett_156: I think me and you are going to enjoy each others company in the near future; I'm awesome.

Chesty Chest: Always charmed to have you read my work (Considering you and i both know how wonderful we are) Got your PM by the way.
Checked up on 'Affront'. Think I'm right; probably not.
Good to see the humour was delectable and engaging enough to make your day. Anytime.

Craig Hallem: Hopefully when I implement Fox's edit, the timing and structure will suffice for a successful pants-wetting.

Namesake: (like the name) Hopefully this will be the first of many flash fiction stories I base around this particular unnamed character. Each with a small premise of hate and self loathing, obviously on a comedy level. I'll keep you posted.

Tom88: My loins moisten from your comment (Don't worry, I'm being dry... tee hee silly me).
Me at parties? Never. Unless you consider 'finish this bottle alone, before sundown' a party?
On a more serious note. Glad to have spread the inspirational pizazz, send me a buzz when you've written something you know I'll enjoy.

My Split Personality: "Ode of the god's favour, their lust for mortal freedom"

I have read, re-read and devoured every inch of your edit. For that, I'm every bit in lust with your mind. Again, yay!
I wrote this in the dark on some loose paper (computer was being it's usual retarded self)
I'll send you a shoot later with some ideas I have generated for our entwined future.

P.S Love your balls.




I'll have a re-write up A.S.A.P

Like a Fox
November 14th, 2010, 08:51 AM
You'll send me a shoot?

I don't even like the expression 'shoot you an email' (which is, I think what you were going for)...

You've taken it to a terrible extreme. Now the shoot is the noun? What?!

(PS, Are those yo' feet?) Haha.

MeeQ
November 14th, 2010, 09:25 AM
BUMP: Re-Written for your pleasure.

polygamous.pariah
November 14th, 2010, 02:12 PM
Really good piece! Really enjoyed it!! Original and interesting!

Gumby
November 14th, 2010, 09:45 PM
I loved it MeeQ, from start to finish. I agree with Like a Fox, I think this is your best and it deserves to be perfect. :)

MeeQ
November 15th, 2010, 02:35 AM
Polygamous: Originality is a niche I'm trying to master. Glad this shows i'm learning.

Gumby: Indeed, perfect it shall.
You warm my inards with your love, appreciation overload. Thanks.