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sun_and_sky
November 9th, 2010, 11:13 PM
this is an exerpt from my first book, its currently called sun and sky, it'll be part of an 8 book series. please give me feedback and tell me what i should change and keep. that would be realy realy helpful and i'd appreciate it very much.

I had to take Kena's blood in order to kill the monster, usually known around these parts as the Tho. There was no way I was going to do that.
You have to. Skye simply said in my head, he talked to me every once in a while now.
No! I replied with such rage I blocked him out of my mind for a few seconds.
Look, I'm losing my energy, and I'll pass out soon meaning I won't be able to keep this timefreeze for much longer.
Oh so this was what was happening. Skye had frozen time somehow. this was why everything was frozen in place, Kena with her fangs bared, the Tho walking towards her, and Dori lying unconcious on the ground in this tattered village. If Skye hadn't done this, the place would be in chaos and Kena ripped into shreds.
Skye I'm no going to hurt her. I said through my mind, even though he was far away I could still reach him.
Jerry, you have the ability to heal, you can heal her after.
But-
I can only keep the timefreeze for a few more minutes, the choice is yours...
His voice faded away.
Skye!? Skye?!
He must have passed out bacause he wouldn't reply.
I had no choice but to do what he said. I had to act quick or else this would be a failure. As fast as I could I ran towards Kena, though I wasn't looking forward to what I had to do next.
I held up my sword in a stabbing position. My hands were shaking like crazy, and I almost dropped the sword.
Come on, I told myself. I can do it.
Everything was starting to unfreeze slowly.
"Alright. One. Two. Three!" I yelled as I closed my eyes and plunged the sword into Kena's already injured leg.
To my surprise blood didn't spurt everywhere like I had expected it to. It just flowed smoothly into the tip of the sword, turning it's silver blade into a scarlet red. Somehow.
I didn't have time to think about that, because right after everything unfroze.

MJ Preston
November 10th, 2010, 12:23 AM
this is an exerpt from my first book, its currently called sun and sky, it'll be part of an 8 book series. please give me feedback and tell me what i should change and keep. that would be realy realy helpful and i'd appreciate it very much.

I had to take Kena's blood in order to kill the monster, usually known around these parts as the Tho. There was no way I was going to do that.
You have to. Skye simply said in my head, he talked to me every once in a while now.
No! I replied with such rage I blocked him out of my mind for a few seconds.
Look, I'm losing my energy, and I'll pass out soon meaning I won't be able to keep this timefreeze for much longer.
Oh so this was what was happening. Skye had frozen time somehow. this was why everything was frozen in place, Kena with her fangs bared, the Tho walking towards her, and Dori lying unconcious on the ground in this tattered village. If Skye hadn't done this, the place would be in chaos and Kena ripped into shreds.
Skye I'm no going to hurt her. I said through my mind, even though he was far away I could still reach him.
Jerry, you have the ability to heal, you can heal her after.
But-
I can only keep the timefreeze for a few more minutes, the choice is yours...
His voice faded away.
Skye!? Skye?!
He must have passed out bacause he wouldn't reply.
I had no choice but to do what he said. I had to act quick or else this would be a failure. As fast as I could I ran towards Kena, though I wasn't looking forward to what I had to do next.
I held up my sword in a stabbing position. My hands were shaking like crazy, and I almost dropped the sword.
Come on, I told myself. I can do it.
Everything was starting to unfreeze slowly.
"Alright. One. Two. Three!" I yelled as I closed my eyes and plunged the sword into Kena's already injured leg.
To my surprise blood didn't spurt everywhere like I had expected it to. It just flowed smoothly into the tip of the sword, turning it's silver blade into a scarlet red. Somehow.
I didn't have time to think about that, because right after everything unfroze.

I am having a heck of a time differentiating between thought and spoken word. Have you written the other seven books?

Lord Reecingale
November 10th, 2010, 06:07 AM
Really good. I didn't get the majority of it, but that's probably cos I haven't read the rest of the story XD. I like it

Bruno Spatola
November 10th, 2010, 08:37 AM
Hey there.

All of the things I point out are totally my own opinion, so I hope you aren't disheartened by my comments :P

I had to take Kena's blood in order to kill the monster, usually known around these parts as the Tho. There was no way I was going to do that. -- Considering this is quite a tense scene, I don't think this has a place in that sentence. It's like telling someone an interesting fact right before you hit the accelerator. I don't care what the monster's usually known as, I'm focusing on the task this character has to complete; that's the crux. Nothing wrong with it, it's just misplaced in my opinion, that's all.

You have to. Skye simply said in my head, he talked to me every once in a while now. -- Comma before Skye, full stop after head; maybe a semicolon.

No! I replied with such rage I blocked him out of my mind for a few seconds. -- Didn't really get much from that. Needs a bit of zing. . .that can be said for much of this piece, to be awfully blunt. It comes across as stilted.

Look, I'm losing my energy, and I'll pass out soon meaning I won't be able to keep this timefreeze for much longer. -- I think that sounds boring. It doesn't sound like someone who's struggling to keep a "time-freeze". There's no sense of urgency. "I can't keep this up for much longer, I'm losing my energy!". The way you write has to match what you write, for me. It needs loosening up, I think it's too unnatural.

Oh so this was what was happening. Skye had frozen time somehow. this was why everything was frozen in place, Kena with her fangs bared, the Tho walking towards her, and Dori lying unconcious on the ground in this tattered village. If Skye hadn't done this, the place would be in chaos and Kena ripped into shreds. -- Exact same problem. It's almost like reading from an auto-cue.

I had to act quickly or else this would be a failure. As fast as I could I ran towards Kena, though I wasn't looking forward to what I had to do next. -- Again, there's just no urgency. I'm not feeling the importance of any of this, and that leaves me cold. I don't feel like I'm part of this story. I'm reading what's happening but it doesn't mean anything.

Come on, I told myself. I can do it. -- I would have said "you can do it" personally. "Come on, I can do it" isn't something I would say to myself. Seems weird, but that's more a personal preference than criticism.

Everything was starting to unfreeze slowly. -- No description at all, I can't even imagine what's happening. Help me picture it, give me some images to work with, describe what's happening.

To my surprise blood didn't spurt everywhere like I had expected it to. It just flowed smoothly into the tip of the sword, turning it's silver blade into a scarlet red. Somehow. -- I feel that's a bit too vague. Not very clear what happened, did the blood actually go inside the sword? I think you could make it better. Blood flowing into the tip of a sword could be quite cool, I'd try a little harder to etch that image into the reader's head. Also, "it's silver blade" doesn't make sense. "It's" is a contraction of "It is" or "It has". "Its silver blade" is the correct way to write it :)

Overall, it was the lack of emotion that stood out above everything else, for me. I know I've said this a lot, but there was no sense of urgency. I feel disconnected with it all, your characters especially. This is only a very small part of the book, I understand that, but I should get something from the people you create, regardless.

So it needs work, I think. Better description, fleshed out characters, more naturalistic dialogue etc. It was odd that so much took place within the character's head, which made it hard to follow at times. Kena may as well not have been mentioned either. Yet, any way. Were they unconscious? Your characters are just names on paper to me at this stage. Really important to make me care about them.

I know that this seems like a very negative critique, but I believe you can fix the things that I believe don't work. Good luck, I really hope this helped :D

sun_and_sky
November 10th, 2010, 10:51 PM
I am having a heck of a time differentiating between thought and spoken word. Have you written the other seven books?

No, this is the first one of the series, realy everyone else that's read was able to tell, besides when the writing is through italics it's in mind, and when it's in normal font it's spoken.

sun_and_sky
November 10th, 2010, 10:55 PM
that was realy helpful! thank you! that was just the kind of feedback I needed. By the way I'm only 13, so I might not be as good as an adult but I'v got good ideas. I'm going to publish this series when im older, I even have a company already who's interested in my work.

thank you!

SilverNightPanther
November 11th, 2010, 07:01 PM
Sun and sky? I think that was really great, considering your age. As for the critique above by Bruno, I pretty much agree. As usual with young writers (myself included, once upon a time) there is a great story there, but there is some problems in correctly bringing it out. One of the best ways to really know how it's done is to study some professional authors that you like and admire. Note how they portray the scenes. Learn from their presentation. And don't give up hope!

MJ Preston
November 12th, 2010, 01:28 AM
No, this is the first one of the series, realy everyone else that's read was able to tell, besides when the writing is through italics it's in mind, and when it's in normal font it's spoken.

It may be the the layout that is throwing me. I'm not bashing your work friend, just giving you my perspective. I think if the paragraphs were separated by a line it might be a bit easier to read. Kind of like what Bruno did when he critiqued it. Put down on a page or on a word program, its a tad easier to read then on a form layout like this.

Cheers
Mark