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srebak
November 7th, 2010, 03:09 AM
Chapter One
(The Story)
Greetings, it's me again, Ishmael Isher, my wife is away on a visit to her mother's, so this story will not be interrupted. This is a story about rivalry and acceptance. A story about war and friendship. A story about...well, i'm getting ahead of myself, really. So, shall we begin with the story
1.
War is a terrible thing, it is neither glamerous or fun. Chaos will happen and lives will be lost. And in this story, 2 flocks of birds found that out the hard way. Two flocks as different as dat and night. Or like the sun and the moon, life and death, fire and ice, ying and yang. The 2 flocks are the Dove colony, who live on the roof of the Church. Led by the benevolent Queen Thickfeathers. And the Raven Clan, who live on the Clocktower. Led by the, also benevolent King Razorbeak. Both leaders are larger than the rest of their flock members.
2.
For years, these two flocks have been sworn enemies. Due to a regretable incident that occured during the colonial days of the city they reside in. But, whatever the reason for their rivalry, both flocks have hated the other. Whether it was because of the colonial incident or not. Even the flock leaders harbor some sort of grudge, possibly for the same reason.
3.

Ever since, the Doves and the Ravens have divided their city. The Doves control the north and western parts of the city. While the south and eastern parts belong to the Ravens. Neither flocks have dared to defile this treaty. Possibly because the penalty for such an action, is death. All of this remained the same, until one day.
4.

Kordain
November 8th, 2010, 02:20 AM
i love stories where people are killed and this sounds good considering i haven't read about birds fighting before (unless its a metaphor). its got me going enough i want to to give me more but before that clean this up a bit first.


Two flocks as different as day and night.

i want more, where are they?
a fictional land or in a real place?
does one have something other doesn't?

answer these in the text of the story either in this one or more to come.

nineteen
November 8th, 2010, 02:11 PM
At least check for spelling mistakes "there are a few" unlike my peer, Kordain, i coulnd't care less about anything you have to say because of the say you say it. It's boring, tiered and utterly pointless.

Why bother posing this? It's a few lines long; post something with a bit of meat that i can get my teeth into a check the spelling. The peice doesn't set any kind of mood or tone; it's bland and informative - like a documentary on BBC4.

Re-draft.

Razzazzika
November 8th, 2010, 09:45 PM
why is it numbered?
anyway...

Whenever writing you really shouldn't use a number. So say two flocks of birds. etc.

Led by the, also benevolent, King Razorbeak.

Other than that the grammer is pretty thorough and the story sounds like it has a foundation. I usually don't like books with animals as the stars, but that's just me. I'm picturing more of a young reader base from the wording, is that what you were going for?