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NorwegianWriter
November 5th, 2010, 05:22 PM
The day we buried my mother my dad said that there were only two things I never had to forget about people. Firstly, there were a lot of stupid people. In relation to him or me, most people were dim. Secondly, even smart people were pretty pig headed, even smart people like us could do the dumbest things. He said that I should remember those two sentences, they would come in handy.

jnimri
November 5th, 2010, 06:01 PM
First I'd like to say I like where this could go. Oddly depressing and humorous at once.


The day we buried my mother my dad said that there were only two things I never had to forget about people.
That sentence seems difficult to read. I understand what you're trying to say, however, I think it should be worded something like this: The day we buried my mother, my dad said there were two things in relation to people that I should never forget.


Firstly, there were a lot of stupid people. In relation to him or me, most people were dim.
I think it should be: First, there are a lot of stupid people; in relation to myself or him, most are dim.

I don't know. I'm no grammerian, I just felt the sentences were odd. But like I said, I like where it's going.

Kordain
November 5th, 2010, 11:19 PM
i have to say that this is sad. a little funny. it doesn't pull me in, it isn't very long so that doesn't matter a whole lot, but to start out you need a hook the reader. you must find something of interest at the very beginning. what is the character doing? i want to know that not what someone told them once. a few suggestions,

start out with what your character is doing due to these two things his parents told him, then tell us what they told him.

have him repeating it to someone.

these are just a few things. i want to know how those two things would come in handy, show at the beginning.

shraga
November 8th, 2010, 05:55 PM
I see were you are going with these sentences and i like the idea.
The language itself should be improved in my opinion. If you want us to believe that the main character really is that smart he should use father instead of dad, and such.

Get the reader involved in the story, don't tell us what happened let us experience it. As my mother was being buried, I watched as the dirt was shoveled slowly on to the coffin. My father turned to me ...

Let us be a part of the story

Good luck!!!

craighallam
November 9th, 2010, 04:54 PM
Hi,

I have to disagree with Kordain and Shraga. I think that it's a good start to a story. Being overt doesn't always get the reaction you want. I think that if you tightened up the wording, it'd make a good start. I'm intrigued as to why these two people think they're so smart, and kind of interested in if their ability to be 'pig-headed' has anything to do with the mother's death.

Craig