View Full Version : Your opinion please

November 2nd, 2010, 02:08 AM
I am currently working on another novel. This morning when I started to do some research, this jumped onto my word processor. The words flowed and I had a tough time keeping up.

I had no idea where this came from since it has nothing to do with my current work. I never intended to write anything like this.

I also have no idea yet why this woman feels the way she does and not sure if I will let this story play out.

I am interested in your critique. Not sure if this is worth pursuing.

( I added the stars below to separate the story from the post message but I am not sure where the other stars came from)

She looked at her lovely dining table all covered with the matching china her mother had given her. The fresh flowers standing at attention in their crystal bowl. A bottle of wine opened to let it breath, all ready to pour into two Waterford goblets. Jazz was softly playing in the background. Everything was picture perfect if you ignored the candles melting and dripping onto the red linen tablecloth, the dinner she had so carefully prepared sitting there getting cold. The beef starting to congeal in it's own juices.

*She sat there and waited. Her mind devoid of thought, a smile resting on her face.*

He had said he would be late but this scene had been repeated too many times for her to get upset. She knew he would soon open the door with his "Sorry, I am late Honey" and kiss her lightly on the cheek just before he sat down to gobble up his food and light up a cigarette.

She heard his key at the front door and prepared to once again play the role she had given herself.*

"Hi Honey, sorry I'm late", he said as he leaned over to peck a kiss near her cheek. Taking off his jacket and throwing it on a nearby chair, he sat down. " Looks good. Man, am I starved".*

She wondered why she always went to so much trouble fixing dinner. She could have served him dog food in a bowl and gotten the same reaction.*

Sitting there with that stupid grin still on her face, she replayed the same scene in her mind. Only this time she made a few adjustments.

"Hi sweetheart. Sorry i am late. Couldn't wait to get home. Dinner smells delicious. It's great to come home and find candlelight, wine and music. You are fantastic" and then he would walk towards her, take her hands and pull her into his arms for a passionate kiss.

His voice leaked into her thoughts and she tuned in to hear what he was saying.*

"...Tom got the Henderson account. Man, was I glad. Delia Henderson may be gorgeous but she is...."
On and on he droned between mouthfuls. She sat there no longer listening but staring intently at the food bits scattered on his chin. Watched as he sucked down the wine so quickly it was impossible for him to enjoy it's smoked taste. An $80.00 bottle of wine and he drank it as if it were a cold soft drink on a hot day.*

God, she hated him.


November 2nd, 2010, 06:46 AM
A very good start........keep writing I want to read more...so far so good.........! :)

November 2nd, 2010, 10:58 AM
I nearly didn't start reading this when I saw you wrote fantasy thinking it would be! But hey, you've got to finish this now! What will she do? Leave him? Find a lover? Kill him!!

November 2nd, 2010, 12:08 PM
This was really really good! I loved the pace and the little details included. For example the dripping wax of the candles onto the red linen tablecloth. Things like that are a really nice touch.
Really enjoyed this, looking forward to reading more!!