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Kordain
October 29th, 2010, 03:49 AM
this is in the world of Univarel, my world for all my fantasy stories that i could spawn. i have a well developed and complicated magic system in place so i doubt i'd change much. i want to know what information readers want, what background information? this is the introduction into one part of a story that i am writing, if you read dank, it is the same world. also describing action perfectly is near impossible, but we can try our best. if something needs to explained in the story tell me and i can add it in right quick. thank you for you honest responses.







Lightning arced toward Darvii, like blue boney fingers reaching for him. As he ran forward he tried to slow down and get into a better stance, but he was too slow, he raised his left hand to curb to lightning bolt, but he couldn’t do it because he was moving too much. Instead the bolt traveled through his left hand over to his right shoulder then down his legs and into the ground.



He recoiled and fell to the earth. He tried to move but his muscles still would not respond he could feel bits of electricity coursing through his body. He lifted himself upon his hands and knees enough to see his comrades dashing around only half with swords in their hands. One of them that was standing still was targeted for a lightning bolt, it shot through the air toward the man, he in turn raised his left hand to intercept the bolt as it raced toward him. The man bent his knees and crouched with his left side facing the bolt, his right hand was pointed toward the ground beside him. The bolt just as it was about to strike his hand instead it pooled in his palm then shot for his right hand. It pooled in that palm as well then struck the ground. Almost like a ball of yarn it uncoiled then finally all of it had entered the ground.


Unfortunately for him one more bolt raced toward him and he had little time to stop the next. Instinctively his right hand lifted up to protect him but the lightning lanced down his arm and then stopped in his chest. He flew back ward with smoke streaming off of him. The man was a Jormon, mage fighters, men who were train specifically to track down those who use their magical abilities and capture them and if necessary kill them. Usually a man without abilities would be helpless against a mage who had good fighting powers however these men had been trained to channel the power source of magic, dage. Everyone had dage but few had the power to burn it to convert it to spells and magic.


Darvii stood up and raced toward the root of the lightning. One man in stood in the village green letting lightning loose from his hands toward the dozen men trying to get close to him. He had a vest on that was open in the front with soft wool pants that could be seen by the strong moonlight even between the bursts of electricity. He had no hair on his body, what once existed had long been burned off. His name was Naegal a man from the northern border; he was half Severos, the wild barbarians north of the border. One jormon was running on the roof of an inn on the green, as he turned right toward Naegal he shot a blast at the jormon on the roof. There was a smoky explosion and the Jormon flew through the air, he landed with a thud and a crunch.


Several other jormons as they drew close unsheathed their swords but Naegal’s lightning only was focused better into their bodies sending several more tumbling backwards. But there were more but they were either hit by lightning or tried to keep their distance. Archers were ineffective because they needed both their hands for their bows and both hands for protection from the lightning. Darvii started to run a circle around Naegal after his mind sparked with an idea. After he was behind Naegal he started for him but Naegal turned frequently enough that he saw Darvii before he was two dozen paces away. He fired lightning but Darvii rolled to the side and continued his charge.



Naegal fired again and Darvii did a perfect deflection the lightning jumped from his left hand to his right then to the ground. Before he could fire again a jormon leapt upon Naegal and tried to take him to the ground. Naegal let electricity course through his own body and it leapt to the jormon attached to him. The man tried to scream but he fell off and started to convulse. Naegal scored a direct hit on two more jormons who had distracted him, that gave Darvii just enough time to get close enough. Darvii drew his sword and brought it down on Naegal’s shoulder. Darvii started to convulse as electricity shot through his sword and into his body, it arced into his head and his vision faded, until he lost consciousness.

jnimri
October 29th, 2010, 03:45 PM
I'm not a huge fan of fantasy, however, I do like that the action was immediate. I'm not sure if this is an exerpt from a larger work or if it is the introduction to something you plan on making into a novel. Either way, I like that you already have an entire world created in which to play with. That sounds like it could be fun and the possibilities are endless.
Moving on to the more technical aspect, the only thing I saw were some spelling and grammatical errors. The one spelling error that stood out to me was something that might just be a personal choice. You kept saying 'lighting', but the context seemed like it was supposed to be 'lightning'.
An example of the grammar mistake is the line: "That gave Darvii just enough time Naegal scored a direct hit on two more jormons before Darvii had drawn his sword and brought it down on Naegal’s shoulder." I don't understand, "That gave Darvii just enought time Naegal scored..."
Otherwise, this seems like quite an interesting tale and action packed.